Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
A singular lack of faith
Here’s how my mind works.
I’m thinking about all the various spoof blogs I know: Madonna’s Personal Blog, Harriet Miers’s Blog!!!, and Mel’s Musings (Mel Gibson’s Blog), and I’m wondering, what other famous people have fake blogs in their honor?
If anyone deserves a Harriet Miers-style blog, it’s George W. Bush. Google George Bush’s Blog and you’ll get this defunct site (last update, June 6, 2001). Then there’s Bush Blog!, which at least updates a bit more regularly (last entry, December 17, 2005). GOP.com, the Republican National Committee’s official blog, is the funniest of the three. With a headline like Economy Continues to Thrive, you know they have writers who will give The Daily Show a run for its money.
After that, I get the bright idea of looking for God’s blog. Turns out, He has several, like this one, or this one, which I rather like. Maybe I just dig the idea of God singing a Barry Manilow song for Jesus’ birthday.
He wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair
He saw Lola dancing there . . .”
But what really gets me is this one, called Godblog. On June 3, 2002, someone named Steve Jones set up Godblog on Blogspot. His tag reads,
Some of the amazing stories that people have told me or I have experienced about God doing stuff.
and his one and only entry reads,
No link. Nada. Talk about a let-down.
So, Steve? Put up or shut up. If you don’t want to run Godblog, that’s cool. It’s easy as pie to destroy your blog — believe me, I know. But leaving up a blog that reads
Some stories of God’s amazingness
with nothing else to back it up depresses the hell out of me, and I’m agnostic.
Anyway, what we really need is for one of the God’s Blog guys to start leaving entries on George Bush’s blog. You know, to mess with his mind.
GEORGE
(the Lord, like Death in Terry Pratchett’s novels, should always write in caps)
YOU’VE DONE QUITE ENOUGH, GEORGE. TIME TO STEP DOWN NOW, BEFORE LUCIFER AND I ARE FORCED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING WORSE THAN HELL.
J.
Yeah, something like that.
D.
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Glad you like my blog, “Doulgas”. By the way, when I am blogging, God guides my hand. Also when I am directing movies. It’s pretty cool.
You know, Mel, as long as I have your attention . . .
What the hell happened to you? I really liked The Road Warrior. Sure, you already had that Charleton Hestonian martyr complex going, but the Road Warrior plugged on and he made a sequel, too! Kind of a sappy, crappy sequel — I mean, cute kids, Mel, really — but he hung in there just the same.
By the time you hit Braveheart, you were all into that martyr thing, getting your guts dragged out and your nuts cut off so you could be a hero to your people. No wonder you look like hell now. No wonder you’re so obsessed with religion.
Want some career advice? Show up in the next Harry Potter movie. Trust me, it’ll be good for your soul.
By the way, my name really is Doulgas. Friends call me “gas” for short. No quotation marks necessary.
Damn. I used to think you were cool.
Well,
“gas” What you criticize as my “martyr complex” evinces your hatred, and perhaps fear of, all things Christian.
Harry Potter? That is a well known satanic film which brainwashes our children. It is clear where your true loyalties lie.
“Gas”, you can go on saying that those who have found the joy of Jesus Christ have a “martyr complex” or whatever you want to call it, but once you do accept Jesus, trust me, you will think I am very cool again. And you will enjoy all of my movies.
Thanks for the tip about the topless Swedish babes by the way. I will have to try that out.
Mel, I knew you were a washout the moment you made your twelfth or thirteenth Lethal Weapon movie. I see Passion as a desperate cry for help and nothing more. Mel, I love ya man, or rather, I love the 1980s Mel. Please, take my advice, and do a few action flicks a la Road Warrior where homoerotic Wez-types kick the shit out of you but end up eating your boot in the end. You’ll dig the implied homo-bashing, and the rest of us will dig seeing you do what you do best: drivin’ hard down the Outback, beatin’ crap out of Lord Humungus and his minions (I know you love the thighs on this guy), and gettin’ screwed in the end.
Doul – I’ll give you a million gajillion bucks* if you can attract Mr. Rickman to your blog.
(*Canadian)
Morine, so that’s, what, about $US 7.59?
It’s a deal!
So, it was God who’s responsible for that distorted version of Scottish history in Braveheart.
Well, but what would I know, I’m a bloody Campbell who will end up in hell anyway. 😉
yah, I’ll be a corporate sponsor and throw in some real money if you get Rickman.
Mel’s a good start though. And his blog has some funkadelic commentators.
But why not go for some dead big names who blog from The Other Side? Who wouldn’t love to see them? Shakespeare! Petter Lorre!
Very well. I’m here. What’s all the fuss about?
Oh, I see. You’re all falling over yourselves for that talentless hack Gibson. Have you seen his Hamlet? Only Olivier could have made a worse muck of the Bard’s words.
I agree with you, Doulgas. Gibson is a desperate man who seeks respect in all quarters. Listen to me, Mr. Gibson: a taste of Shakespeare didn’t improve Shatner’s or Stewart’s respectability, so it surely will not profit you! Go back to your Never Never, your Mago Island, your Top End, and stop subjecting the rest of humanity to inimatable YOU.
Talentless hack?
And what was the last multi-million dollar blockbuster you produced, Professor?
I am the engine that drives the Harry Potter franchise.
Top that, marsupial-lover.
Easy. I resurrected Christ for a movie.
Oh, I want to watch that fight – magic wand against broadsword.
I understand you crucified him, too. Very Christian of you.
Yeah. And I made $370 million dollars off of it. Beat that, Judas.
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Hi Professor—I’m not wearing anything.
(I’m a very bad girl.)
Hi Prof. Snape, what happened to your blog? Did Voldemort jinx it?
Mel, allow me to point out that you brought up the Judas reference, not I. Perchance you have something to confess?
Mm, my dear, you look lovely in your birthday suit, and, might I add, it represents a vast improvement over that frumpy chenille negligee.
Gabriele, a gremlin played havoc with my template. What do you expect from a blog-authoring tool which rhymes with bugger?
Don’t forget IloveTomDelay.com Sorry this Campbell got in on the conversation late. Love on ya, Snape. AR is a sexy.
Better late than never, Blue Gal.
By the by, I prefer to pronounce the initials pirate fashion, thus:
Arrrrrr.
I hope Mel gives those 370 million dollars to charities like a good little Christian boy.
Here I am, late to the party as alwyas. M is too busy showing off her birthday suit to clue me in.
Professor – loved you in Sense and Sensiibility! Also in Die Hard … you had your blockbuster days as well as Mel.
Mel – I’m the only one here who liked The Passion, I guess it helps to be catholic … and you looked marvelous in a kilt (in Braveheart) 🙂
Holy crap on a cracker. There has to be some sort of cyber world flag that can go up when delicious repartee is being served.
Sorry I’m late, but I really enjoyed the exchange nonetheless.
Doug, you lucky swine, attracting such names to your blog. If I didn’t love ya so, I’d scratch your eyes out.
X
Scratch his eyes out at your peril, X. Doul is a good friend, an honorable man, a dedicated husband, a kind, caring father who never loses his temper, a physician beloved by all his patients, and a most vindictive photoshopper.
Professor Snape’s just mad that Mel crucified Christ instead of using the cruciatus curse. And also hook me up for the Snape-vs-Mel smack-down. I’d even do pay-per-view for that.