Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Contests
Contest: win a signed copy of Valley of the Soul
Halloween will soon be here*, and with it the release of Tamara Siler Jones’ third forensic fantasy, Valley of the Soul. I’ll be interviewing Tam tomorrow and Wednesday, so stay tuned.
But you’re wondering how you can win a signed copy, right? Here are the rules:
1. Between now and Friday, post a true-life scary story on your blog. Doesn’t have to be supernatural, and I guess it doesn’t even have to be true (like I’m going to check your facts?) But, damn it, try to creep us out.
2. To qualify, you’ll need to link back to this contest post and link to Valley‘s page either at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
3. I will post a link back to your site at the bottom of this post, and (of course) I will be hyping this contest all week.
4. In the comments, let me know when your post is up.
5. I’ll choose a winner by drawing and announce the name this Saturday.
Tam has a contest of her own, too!
D.
*OMG. Check out Lyn Cash’s kitty litter cake. Oy.
Okay, who got sperm on the ferret cage?
I couldn’t help it. Sometimes, it . . . you know. It gets away from me.
Duggar Mania: we have a winner *and announcement*
He’s brilliant. Many women want to be carnal with him. And I quote: Stephen, I love you and want to have your babies. No small wonder he found inspiration in the Duggar family poster.
Stephen wins
A box of condoms and a bottle of sex lube
or
A $25 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble
and
this BEAUTIFUL photoshopped poster
featuring his winning entry:
Congratulations!
As for me, I’m feeling thoroughly sapped of creativity this evening. Sorry, but it happens sometimes.
As for the announcement:
Miss Snark is having another Crap-o-meter fest: Query + first page. Details here.
I think I’ll do one for my NiP.
And another announcement:
My piece on Anna Pou, MD made it to Mike’s Blog Roundup, woo-hoo! I’m already sucking up my fifteen minutes of fame.
D.
Duggar Mania
Contest! Enter now, win condoms and sex lube!
In case you missed Kate’s link the other day:
Those of you not familiar with the Duggar Phenomenon, AKA Mass Production Wombology, AKA the “Full Quiver” movement, may want to start here and then follow the links.
I thought long and hard about a better caption. Truthfully, “Vagina, It’s not a clown car” sets the bar very high (image pinched from Watertiger, the Dependable Renegade). “Free Jinger” came to mind, but that’s kind of an in-joke among us Duggarphiles. “She Who Must Conceive” — well, that only applies to Michelle and neglects all those Duggarlets.
Then I thought, hey, why should I do all the work? It’s been a looong time since we’ve had a contest, right?
So here’s the deal. Offer me an alternative caption. If it makes me laugh, I’ll put your name into a drawing. Winner gets a package of condoms and a bottle of Astroglide, woo-hoo! Or a $25 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, your choice.
I’ll close the contest and announce a winner on Tuesday. Have fun!
D.
PS: I count only 14 kids, but she’s had 16. Time to update that photo.
An eBook challenge from PBW
I’m also challenging all you writers out there to do the same: write and publish a new short story, novellette, novella, or novel of your own in e-book form* and post it for download on your weblog, web site, or any host site on October 31, 2006. I’m using Adobe .pdf format because that’s what I’ve always used. You’re free to use alternate formats, but I’d go with something that allows everyone to read it. Your e-book can also be any length and any genre; the only requirement is that you provide free access to it (it doesn’t have to be a permanent addition to your weblog; if you have file storage issues I suggest leaving it up for a week or two.)
She’s offering prizes, too, so check it out.
Here’s my response: “Heaven on Earth,” a story I wrote almost two years ago and still love. It’s semi-autobiographical, inasmuch as my grandfather almost certainly had multi-infarct dementia. As for the science fictiony stuff, well, who knows. Papa was such a storyteller, I found it fitting to make him the star of his very own bubbe-meintze*.
We’ll use this post as the comment thread for those of you who decide to read my story.
D.
*Fairy tale, tall tale. Literally (I think) “Grandma’s story.” In our family, bubbe-meintze meant, “What horseshit are you asking me to believe now?”
Edited to add:
I received this in my email today:
I’m afraid we have an awkward situation here. Perhaps I should say I have an awkward situation. In fact, WORLDS APART #1 has been published and includes your story “Heaven on Earth.” I was aware that not all authors had received their complimentary copies, but after searching my email files, it appears that I never even sent you an author agreement.
All I can do is include the agreement (found below) and hope you will be pleased that your story has in fact been published. I have already printed a substantial number of copies and have planned to print more to take with me to LACON IV (World SF Convention) in Anaheim later this month. I have reserved a table in the dealers’ room.
You are certainly free to self-publish, but I would hope you might hold off a while.
I am going to hold off, at least until I hear back from him on my suggested compromise plan. In the meantime, I’ll put up a different story, maybe one of my silly/erotic ones. Stay tuned.
D.
Our Basket Case winner is . . .
jmc, if you want Basket Case, please email me (azureus at harborside dot com) with your snail mail addie, and I’ll take care of it tomorrow. If you don’t want it, let me know in the comments, and I’ll choose a different winner.
In honor of jmc, I’m gonna do her meme.
Bailing out on a Crusie, and a giveaway
Yes, I know I should have consulted with Candy before buying Jennifer Crusie’s Faking It. Can I say anything good about this book? No. Fifty pages into it and I’m bailing.
Here’s why, in ascending order of importance.
1. Poorly written, poorly edited. If my internal editor is having more fun with a novel than I am, something is wrong.
2. Rush job. Close cousin to #1, I know, but here’s the thing: so many of the conversations leave me wondering, “Huh?” that I suspect Crusie zipped through this without re-reading. Or perhaps I’m just that thick.
3. An implausible story line which relies too much on coincidence. ‘Nuff said.
4. Forced humor. I loved Bet Me and What the Lady Wants mostly for Crusie’s sense of humor. I know she can do better than this.
But the most important reason I’m dumping Faking It:
5. I don’t give a damn about the H or the H, I don’t like them, and whether they hate each other forever’n’ever or screw like minks for the last 100 pages of the book, I don’t care. What’s missing is believability — they don’t feel like real people to me.
***
You want a book recommendation? Here’s a book recommendation: buy Carl Hiaasen’s Basket Case. Read it for pleasure or study the man’s technique; he’s a master.
I really ought to write a full review on Basket Case, and perhaps I will some day soon. For now, though, I’m spent. I slept poorly last night, then worked until 5 PM in the OR. (More tonsils. And more tonsils. And more tonsils.) I squeezed in 45 minutes in the gym, then popped back over to the hospital for Surgery Committee Meeting. Oh, the horror: it lasted until just past 8:30. Forgive me if my muse is chattering like a Hellraiser cenobite.
I’m torn over whether to write a crappy Thursday Thirteen or bag it altogether. I think I’ll leave the decision until tomorrow, which means I’ll probably bag it altogether. Ah, well. You’ll live. I have a terrific idea for a TT, but I don’t want to ruin it by writing a tired rush job tonight. (Here’s the idea: Thirteen Horrible Diseases. One of my top picks would be PAM. I’ll let you puzzle over that one.)
But back to Basket Case, and the giveaway: I’ll send a copy of Carl Hiaasen’s Basket Case to one randomly chosen commenter. Lurkers, this is your time to come out of the woodwork.
Suggested topic for comments (if you’re a lurker who doesn’t comment “because I never know what to say”):
Think about a book that you stuck with for a short while (say, less than 100 pages) then gave up on. Why did you stick with it for as long as you did, and why did you finally give up?
Wish me luck getting sleep tonight. Insomnia can be a real bitch sometimes.
D.
And the King of the Gypsies is . . .
Dean!
Here is the complete list of entries:
Demented Michelle’s post on the modern Roma of Europe
Bonnie Wren’s Super Sabado: a bit light on Gypsies, but Star Trek makes up for it
Kate’s bwaahahahahahahahaaaa entry
Lyvvie gets nasty on us. Don’t tell her mom
Actually, it was really easy picking the winner. Dean was the only guy who entered, and it makes no sense whatsoever for a chick to be King of the Gypsies, so —
Just teasing. Contestants names were written on identical slips of thin paper, which were then tossed into the air by an impartial representative of the accounting firm of Pfysting, Rhüm-Chob, and Taynte. (That would be me.) Dean’s was the only slip to land face-up. It’s kismet, I tell you.
My thanks and regrets go out to those of you who did not win. I wish I could send you all a copy of Gogol Bordello’s Gypsy Punks, but we’re still in savings-mode on our remodel (bare wood countertops, bare wood floors, and not that nice wood, either. Stuff with nails and staples in it, and all kinds of mysterious stains).
We’ll do another contest soon . . . maybe another bad sex-writing extravaganza?
D.
King of the Gypsies: Contest!
My love of Gogol Bordello knows no bounds. Like a recent religious convert, I want to share my new obsession with all warm bodies in my vicinity and anyone I can reach through the e-ther. What better way to stir the pot than have a contest?
Here’s the prize: Gogol Bordello’s Gypsy Punks, which includes “Never Young,” “Not a Crime,” “Dogs Were Barking,” “Oh No,” “Start Wearing Purple,” and my current fave, “Mishto!”
And here’s all you have to do:
1. Write a post on Gypsies. (No racism, please, not that any of MY homies would dream of doing something like that.) Yes, you need a blog to do this.
You can be as creative as you want to be: how you lost your virginity in the back seat of a Camaro listening to Cher’s “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”; a book review of Stephen King’s Thinner; an endless rant on how much you hate Fleetwood Mac’s “Gypsy.” I can think of more, but I don’t want to spoil your fun.
2. If you draw a blank on Gypsies, you may write a post based on this line from Gogol Bordello’s song “Illumination”:
You are the only light there is
For yourself my friend
3. You need to do two more things:
(A) Hype this contest, linking back to this post, and
(B) Leave a comment in response to this post, indicating that you have posted your entry. I’ll post a link-back at the bottom of this post.
4. The contest will end Midnight, Pacific (PST), 6/15/6. On 6/16/6, I’ll draw a name at random from among the contestants. I will then email you or contact you on your blog. You’ll need to provide me with a snail mail addie so that I can send you your prize. If you would like a different Gogol Bordello CD, just say so.
5. Entries outside of the USA are welcome. I don’t mind paying overseas shipping.
6. If you come into this contest late in the game but still want to participate, email me, and I’ll post a one-day extension. In fairness to all entrants, I’ll need to receive your email by Noon PST 6/15/6. My email addie is azureus at harborside dot com.
The moustache commands you!
The entries thus far:
Demented Michelle’s post on the modern Roma of Europe
Bonnie Wren’s Super Sabado: a bit light on Gypsies, but Star Trek makes up for it
Kate’s bwaahahahahahahahaaaa entry
Lyvvie gets nasty on us. Don’t tell her mom
D.