Bwahahahhahahahhahahahahha!

Hate National Review Online’s Jonah Goldberg? Think he shames the rest of the tribe? Read this great skit over at alicublog.

By the way, we’re talking about the uvula today over at Wax, Boogers, and Phlegm. Get to know your other “man in the boat.”

D.

Virgins, and panties, and mucus, oh my!

The antidote to low hit rate suckage: equal parts virgins, panties, and mucus.

From Fukuyama Hiroaki, author of How to Talk Dirty in Japanese and English, we have this statement:

With regard to recent postings about the sexual promiscuity of young Japanese ladies, I find it quite shocking. It seems to be the second part of an orchestrated racist campaign of Japan-bashing to tarnish the reputation of Japanese girls.

This internet article, entitled “All Unmarried Japanese Girls are Virgins,” purports to be an antidote to said “racist campaign.” I’m not sure what good it will do to combat one sweeping generalization with another, but I do know that you forfeit the moral high ground with statements like this:

Regarding the rape of the 12-year-old Okinawan child, I have been called upon to voice my opinion about the 12-year-old girl who was raped by three Afro-American savages. This was truly a great tragedy for the poor girl. Now she will never be able to get married and live a happy life. She is forever tainted in the eyes of Japanese society and no respectable Japanese man will have anything to do with her. Those three savages got off easy.

Afro-American savages? Forever tainted? The rape did indeed happen, but why respond with racist slurs? And why hold it against the victim?

On a lighter note, Backless Lingerie offers specially designed panties which will allow you to show as many inches of butt crack as you’d like without showing any trace of underwear!

Quote:

Let’s be frank: What if you could wear truly invisible panties with complete confidence – no peek-a-boo thongs, no panty lines, ever? Fashionistas from Vogue to Cosmo agree – visible thongs, once popular thanks to Christina Aguilera and Pink, are a thing of the past. Though the jeans keep getting lower, it’s no longer cool to flaunt those g-strings. What’s next?

Man oh man. Butt crack, g-strings, peek-a-boo thongs, Christina Aguilera . . . soon, my hit counter will be burning a hole at the bottom of the page!

Yesterday, Michelle mentioned how a discussion of mucus boosted her hits. And I thought, why didn’t I think of that? I’m the archbishop of mucus. But enough self-linkage. Surely there are other interesting mucus sites on the Web.

This website explains how your cervical mucus changes during your fertility cycle.

Wordspy has this definition for “mucus trooper”:

mucus trooper (MYOO.kus troo.pur) n. An employee with a cold or the flu who insists on showing up for work. —mucus troop v.

That reminds me . . . no doubt you’ve all heard this, but a panel of linguists chose Stephen Colbert’s neologism ‘truthiness’ as the 2005 Word of the Year, and they’re not giving Colbert credit. He’s been bitching about it this week on his show, and with good cause. How dare they not give a writer credit for his words!

Back to mucus. For you paranormal romance writers, make sure you thoroughly understand ectoplasm — ghostly mucus — because without it, those cosmic copulations are hella painful.

Although . . . I’ve heard you can use specially designed personal lubricants, such as Astral Glide.

My first case got bumped by an emergency. Can you tell?

D.

2006 Bloggie Nominations are open

Nominate your favorites here.

Did I nominate myself? You betcha. As I have pointed out previously, I play the lottery, too.

My parents’ reaction to Brokeback Mountain was disappointingly tame. “It was too long,” my dad said. “So these two cowboys love each other. They needed over two hours to show me two cowboys in love with each other?”

My mom said, “Feh,” or words to that effect.

Back to work.

D.

Help me earn that blogwhore of the year award!

Jona nominated me for Blogwhore of the Year over at The Best of Blogs, so I thought, weeell, hell, I’d better do me some good whoring.

The real reason for this post: lately, several new names and faces have shown up in the comments. Some of you don’t even want to rip me a new one. Anyway, if you’d like to do some reciprocal blogrolling, let me know. You need only ask. And if you’re a lurker, it wouldn’t kill you to say hi.

By the way: I only drop people from my blogroll for two reasons. One, they haven’t updated in forever; two, they say something hateful or racist in their blog. (I don’t think I’ve dropped anyone for that reason, but it did keep me from listing someone.) If I’ve dropped you by accident, let me know.

Waking up from anesthesia, one of my patients today said, “Who are you?”

“I’m your doctor.”

“You’re full of shit.”

You know the best thing about these conversations? Repeating them back to the patient days later. It’s so tasty.

If you haven’t seen it yet, One Good Move has the video of O’Falafel’s interview with Dave Letterman. I love it when O’Falafel drinks his coffee ;o)

The General puts a human face on our government’s civil rights abuses. I feel so much safer now.

D.

Looking Backward

I’d hate to plot this on the same scale as the YesButNoButYes gang’s graph, but I’m happy with it, just the same.

I can’t remember why or how I started Shatter (AKA Balls and Walnuts). Who turned me on to Blogger? I’m far too much of a technological nincompoop to find something like that on my own.

Blogging gives me the illusion of writerly discipline. Look at me, I’m writing every day — sometimes two or three times a day! Perhaps I had hoped that discipline would carry over into my more serious literary pursuits, but it hasn’t. If I had channeled all of this effort into my manuscript, I would have finished it months ago.

But then I wouldn’t have met all of y’all.

My first real post (April 9) concerned my short story, “My Troll Lover”, which reminds me: damn, that’s a fine story. I really ought to buff it and send it out. Again.

The big traffic bump in May came courtesy of John Scalzi. What amazed me, though, was the way my June traffic didn’t fall back to April levels. Smart Bitches didn’t discover me until July, so I really can’t account for my June numbers.

The rest of the growth I attribute to regular posting, persistent schmoozing, and shameless Technorati blogwhoring (my bloggenitals were particularly sore in October). Don’t know if I can continue this growth rate, but you know something? I don’t care. I’m having fun, and I like my gang of readers.

Happy New Year, everyone.

D.