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You’re all winners

Seriously. If I had to choose one winner for our contest, I think I’d plotz. So you can ALL* do a little victory dance (not a work-safe link, btw) and when you’re done, email me your snail mail addie, and I’ll arrange for you to receive a copy of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

I’m at: azureus (at) harborside (dot) com

And I’m a winner, too. I finished a 2000-word short story this weekend. It’s still a bit rough, but if you’re curious, here it is: “The Necklace.” Fellow blogger Pat Johanneson has part of a story up, too.

Sorry, I won’t be personalizing these copies. I’m too lazy. Generous, but lazy.

D.

*All = those of you who wrote stories. I’m not that big a pushover.

Hate speech is not protected speech, bucko

UPDATE: Firedoglake runs with the story.

I spent a good, long time yesterday reading this post and its comment thread (Spocko Rocks ABC! Micky (sic) Mouse Blinks!) over at Daily Kos. Here’s the story, in a nutshell: a blogger with the handle Spocko became concerned over the hate speech excreted by KSFO DJs Melanie Morgan, Lee Rogers, Brian Sussman. He started recording some of the more egregious examples and posted them to his blog, Spockosbrain.

So you’ll know what we’re dealing with — and you won’t have to take my word for it that this is hate speech — here’s Lee Rogers talking about a black man in Lincoln, Nebraska:

“Now you start with the Sear’s Diehard the battery cables connected to his testicles and you entertain him with that for awhile and then you blow his bleeping head off. “

Melanie Morgan on Nancy Pelosi: “We’ve got a bulls-eye painted on her big laughing eyes.” She also called for New York Times editor Bill Keller (and nine editors from other newspapers) to be hanged in public.

Lee Rogers on Indonesia: “Indonesia is really just another enemy Muslim nation. … You keep screwing around with stuff like this we are going to kill a bunch of you. Millions of you. ”

And Brian Sussman, in response to a critical caller, demanded the caller to prove he wasn’t a Muslim: “Say Allah is a wh*re!”

Mind you, not all of these are on the same footing. Recommending the torture/murder of a man in Lincoln, or the assassination/lynching of editors and public officials, clearly crosses the line, while Sussman’s crap may not meet the criteria of hate speech. (Don’t know, not a lawyer.)

Anyway.

KSFO is owned by ABC/Disney. One of their lawyers got Spocko’s ISP to shut him down; Mike Stark at Daily Kos picked up the story, and now we have a blogswarm. Read that link above, though — the tale of how Spocko has gone after KSFO by informing advertisers of all this hate speech is inspirational and edifying.

Today, Mike Stark reports on the Spocko blogswarm. Follow me below the cut.

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Capturing the dream

You may not realize it from reading this blog, but I’ve been blocked for well over a month now. To psych myself up for what I hope will be a more productive writing weekend, I thought I’d post a few quotes on fiction-as-consensual-dream, an idea I first encountered in John Gardner’s The Art of Fiction (a book I dearly love and recommend to all writers).

I’ve quoted Gardner before, but it’s been well over a year, and some of you are relatively new to Balls and Walnuts. Here’s the money shot:

If we carefully inspect our experience as we read, we discover that the importance of physical detail is that it creates for us a kind of dream, a rich and vivid play in the mind. We read a few words at the beginning of the book or the particular story, and suddenly we find ourselves seeing not words on a page but a train moving through Russia, an old Italian crying, or a farmhouse battered by rain. We read on — dream on — not passively but actively, worrying about the choices the characters have to make, listening in panic for some sound behind the fictional door, exulting in characters’ successes, bemoaning their failures. In great fiction, the dream engages us heart and soul; we not only respond to imaginary things — sights, sounds, smells — as though they were real, we respond to fictional problems as though they were real: We sympathize, think, and judge. We act out, vicariously, the trials of the characters and learn from the failures and successes of particular modes of action, particular attitudes, opinions, assertions, and beliefs exactly as we learn from life. Thus the value of great fiction, we begin to suspect, is not just that it entertains us or distracts us from our troubles, not just that it broadens our knowledge of people and places, but also that it helps us to know what we believe, reinforces those qualities that are nobles in us, leads us to feel uneasy about our faults and limitations.

This is one of those paragraphs, like Nathanael West’s cannonball quote, which I revisit to fire myself up. If all else fails, I’ll write a bit of short fiction — that will often break a block. I’ve posted a new challenge over at Writer’s BBS, so perhaps I’ll participate in it. Something, anything to get unblocked.

I wish the muse would tell me what’s bugging her.

Back to fiction-as-consensual-dream. I’ve been rereading Conrad’s Heart of Darkness (I read it for the jokes), and came across this today:

It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream — making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is the very essence of dreams . . .

And I wonder if he wasn’t thinking about writing — or perhaps editing — as he wrote these words:

No, I don’t like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don’t like work — no man does — but I like what is in the work — the chance to find yourself. Your own reality — for yourself — not for others — what no other man can ever know.

I would argue that Conrad’s Marlow is wrong on both counts. He does capture the dream-sensation; that’s the beauty of Heart of Darkness. And I also think he conveys to the reader his perception of reality.

That’s the goal, then; that’s the prize. When you can immerse your readers in the dream, even to the point of sharing those inexplicable dream sensations, you’ve succeeded in your task. Entertainment is important too, of course, but the two goals go hand in hand. I think the reading experience is so much more satisfying when the author falls away, is forgotten, disappears from view. We aren’t writers so much as we are conjurers. What better magic than when the magician himself vanishes?
D.

Odds and ends

Hmm. Let’s see.

The contest is still running. This will be a tough one. As an added incentive, it looks like Kenney does indeed want to use these stories on his website, and he’s going to post them at his show! Imagine: hordes of hoity-toity San Franciscans, champagne in hand, pinkies pointing outward, speaking in hushed tones as they read your short fiction.

I suspect my story “Heaven on Earth” got swallowed up in the holiday rush. My pal Corn Dog read it, but I suspect some of you missed that post. It’s a favorite of mine, that story, and I’d hate for y’all to miss it.

Speaking of Corn Dog, my new spam blocker, Akismet, thinks she’s spam. I think she’s far superior to spam — pâté de foie gras at the very least. Anyway, I think I’ve fixed it but only time will tell (CD, leave me a reply so we can see if everything is cool). If anyone else is being blocked, please email me at: azureus (at) harborside (dot) com. UPDATE: nope, we’re still screwed. And she can’t post to Dean’s or SxKitten’s blog, either, and they both use Akismet. I wonder what gives?

More later. Gotta go make dinner.

D.

The artist formerly known as Kenney: a contest

After School Special, by Kenney Mencher
Click to see larger image

My friend Kenney Mencher, formerly known as Kenney Mencher, has a big show opening on January 12 at 826 Valencia in San Francisco. I have my fingers crossed that some of you Bay Area folks might make it to the show. I’d love to go, but I have fresh tonsils bouncing around (I like to stay in town for at least 10 days following a tonsillectomy, in case there’s delayed post-op bleeding).

Here’s the contest. Kenney’s paintings are all about narrative; in that sense, he has a writer’s heart. Guess that’s why I like him and his work so much. Anyway, take a look at Big Red and, in the comments below, tell me the story behind the painting. Note that there are no right or wrong answers, but whoever’s story tickles me the most will win my copy of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? Maybe I’ll even autograph it (because even though I didn’t write it, I should have written it).

I’ll let the contest run for the next couple of days. I’ll announce a winner on Sunday, how’s that?

Warning: Kenney has been known to take work inspired by these crackpot contests of mine and put them on his website (see this poetry page). If you object to that, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, let us know in the comments.
D.

Thirteen college memories: sophomore year

Mind-boggling, isn’t it, that I haven’t written a Thirteen for my year in the dorms? Well, not really that mind-boggling. Sophomore year was one of my worst years ever, so I don’t go there without some trepidation.By the way, I’ve added a new category for my Thirteen fans: Thirteen Candles. All Thirteen, All the Time. Revel in it.

Below the cut: thirteen dormie memories. (Here’s a photo of the cast of characters; and if you’re jumping into this out of sequence, here’s the freshman year thirteen.)

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While standing on one foot

In the OR today, one of my nurses asked me if I’d celebrated Christmas this year.

“No,” I said, a bit confused, since she knew the next part: “I’m Jewish.”

“Well, some people celebrate Christmas even if they’re not Christian.”

This is true, and I said as much. My wife’s family (Buddhist) always celebrated Christmas, and their Buddhist temple puts up a humongous tree every year. Considering Christmas’s pagan/druidic roots, why not celebrate Christmas? It’s fun. Those trees smell nice, too.

At this point, one of my other OR staff people asked, “So you don’t believe . . . I mean, you must believe in something.”

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Walnut, licensed sex therapist

Well, not quite, but closer than you might think.

Recently, I learned (but have not been able to confirm) that in 2007, the American Board of Sleep Medicine will allow physicians to sit for the Boards exam without first doing a 12-month fellowship in sleep medicine. In other words, pass the test and you’re in. If this is the case, and assuming I pass the test, I could do a few things I can’t presently do.

ENT docs have a share in this turf since we treat snoring and obstructive sleep apnea. Sleep medicine also includes treatment of insomnia, a subject near and dear to my heart, and parasomnia, which is the subject of today’s post.

Parasomnia is a catch-all term which includes a variety of inappropriate sleep behaviors: restless leg syndrome, sleepwalking, sleep-talking, sleep-eating, and yes, sleep-screwing, also known as sexsomnia. We’re not talking about porking the mattress in the middle of the night. Every guy does that. (Don’t bother to deny it. You were asleep — how would you know?) No, we’re talking about behavior that can break up families and land you in jail.

Here’s one of the seminal papers (*cough*) in sexsomnia. The linked page includes eleven case reports of sexsomniacs. Yeah, I thought the whole thing was a laugh, too, until I read the reports. It’s one thing to make unwanted advances on your spouse, quite another thing entirely if one of your kids is sleeping in your bed. This is scary stuff.

I have to wonder about the 16-year-old whose mom found him downloading male porn off the internet while asleep, but if you can fix yourself a ham and cheese sandwich while asleep, googling is a piece of cake.

You’ll be glad to hear this is a treatable condition which does not require a full body condom. Some of these folks were treated with clonazepam, some with CPAP (the mask device we use to treat obstructive sleep apnea).
Somehow, I always knew I had a future in sex.

D.

Oh, you who are wise in the ways of spam . . .

As some of you know (those of you who snoop the bottom of the page), I use Spam Karma 2 to gobble my spam. And it does a damned fine job of it, too, with one exception: Nokia Ringtones.

I hate these bastards. Somehow, they’ve outwitted my every attempt at blocking them. Daily, I get anywhere from 1 to 30 trackbacks (trackbacks, not comments) from “Super Blog” expressing insightful sentiments like, “Hey nice site” or “Free mosquito ringtone.” Incidentally, I can’t imagine anything more heinous than a mosquito ringtone.

These trackbacks come in from multiple IP addresses, but they’re all from one URL, “Super Blog.” Since they’re trackbacks and not comments, blocking the URL does nothing. I suppose I could block all trackbacks, but then I wouldn’t have anyway of knowing what y’all are saying about me!

Any bright ideas?

D.

Hopes for the New Year

No resolutions, my friends. I know what I need to do. But there are innumerable things I have no control over, things I would like to see happen in 2007. Here are a few.

1. Please, for the love of God, no more ugly crotch shots from the likes of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears; nor do I want to watch Nicole Richey descend further into her heroin-chic fashion world of anorexic glam.

2. All war criminals and perpetrators of crimes against humanity should be given the Saddam treatment: they should stand trial and be summarily hung by the neck until dead. Gentlemen, you know who you are. The world will breathe a sigh of relief when you’re gone.

3. Katie Holmes should find a loophole in her prenup with Tom Cruise and stick it to him for every penny. Tom should then sink into the obscurity his talentlessness and all-around psychopathology so richly deserves.

4. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should begin demonstrating some true leadership skills — hmm, how about championing the impeachment of Bush and Cheney? — or, failing that, they should clear the field for candidates who will show some backbone. On that same note, I’m hoping Al Gore will announce his candidacy this year. Until he does, my vote is for Edwards.

5. Needless to say, I’d like to see all the troops come home from the Middle East. Colin Powell’s Pottery Barn rule ignores the fact that when glass shatters, you can’t put it back together. You can pay for a new one. When a government emerges from the mess in Iraq, we can (and should) pay reparations.

6. Can we please have one single, solitary year without another Law & Order spinoff? This weekend of CSI/SVU marathons has left me with a vaguely guilty feeling, as if I should expect a call from Vincent D’Onofrio and his goons at any moment. Note to Hollywood: drama can happen outside of New York. Drama can happen outside of a courtroom. Drama does not require murders or gruesome sex crimes. Jeez.

7. I would like to see a new book from Martin Cruz Smith (it’s been two years since Wolves Eat Dogs), and a new movie from Alan Rickman other than the latest Harry Potter flick.

8. And oh, am I ever looking forward to the release of Spore, the PC game event of the decade!

So what are you hoping for?

D.

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