Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Supersnark
Bam has the coversnark (postersnark?) on the upcoming Superman Returns, which leaves me with . . . what? Superman’s sexuality doesn’t interest me. After all, Larry Niven covered this subject to hell and back in his 1971 short story, “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex.”
Niven’s story hails to us from the latter part of the Golden Age of Science Fiction, back when stories were long on concept, short on plot, character development, and, well, anything that might make you think you’ve been reading a story. There are many notable exceptions to this — Jerome Bixby’s classic, “It’s a Good Life,” Jack Vance’s “Bagatelle” (or, indeed, nearly anything else by Vance), Frederic Brown’s “Arena” (upon which the Star Trek Gorn episode was based — but, trust me, Brown’s story is much better), or Niven’s own “Inconstant Moon.” Us over-35 types could probably go on and on about the Golden Age. Still, “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” has its merits.
The story is a pseudo-academic treatise on Kryptonian reproductive habits in general, and on the pitfalls of Kryptonian-human lovemaking in particular. Here’s a snip:
Lastly, he’d blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El’s semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy’s puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
It goes on too long, in my opinion, but Niven works in enough zingers to make the trip worthwhile. Interestingly enough, he completely misses the now-popular gay hypothesis. Wonder if he’ll give us a sequel?
D.
Yeah, Doug, I’ve read it. It’s hilarious. Have you read Krypton Nights by Bryan Dietrich? It’s a collection of poems about Superman from the points of view of Lois Lane, his parents, himself, and Lex Luthor. It kind of reminded me a little bit of Man for All Seasons.
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