A shaggy meme

Candy put me up to this. Which ten celebrities would I most like to shag?

Let’s start with the ones you already know. First in my heart, Jacqueline Kim.

Mmmm. Lao Ma.

I have no idea what she’s like as a human being. This is physical attraction, nothing more; although I doubt Xena Warrior Princess would lip-lock with a Republican.

Y’all know I have a thing for columnist Cintra Wilson.

Cintra’s one hell of a looker, and she’s smart, too. Long before Stephen Colbert came up with “truthiness,” Ms. Wilson wrote that the Bush ’04 campaign had one and only one plank, “the strengthiness of strengthy strength.” I read her column in The Wave every week without fail, and you can, too. You’ll need to download the pdf file, but Ms. Wilson is worth every byte.

While we’re on the subject of smart, beautiful, and that all important sexual prerequisite, left-leaning, let me not forget Maureen Dowd.

I like to imagine Maureen and Cintra typing away at their computers, each wearing nothing but a witty smile. Maureen, New York Times Op-Ed columnist and author of Are Men Necessary?, would flash me an evil grin and say, “Prove me wrong, booger doctor.”

Cintra looks up from her computer. “He’s mine, she-witch!” she cries, and flashes her two-inch-long ruby red fingernails.

Then a big puddle of mud appears in the middle of the bedroom, and Cintra and Maureen duke it out in the mud, fighting over yours truly. Oh, yeah.

You know what I have to say about that fantasy? Good thing Grace Jones isn’t in the room, ‘cuz she would kick both their asses.

Rumor has it that on the set of Conan the Barbarian, quarterstaff-wielding Grace put someone in the hospital. Now, that’s what I call method acting! My kinda woman.

And I like her music, too 😉

You know who I’m going to keep out of any cat fights? My tribe-gal Sarah Silverman.

I’ve waxed on, waxed off about Sarah before. Such a sweet face, I hear her grandma say whilst kneading Sarah’s chin betwixt matronly fingers. Why the acid tongue, Sarah bubbeleh? What did your mother ever do?

She raised one sharp-tongued comic, that’s what Sarah’s mamma did.

Oy, but she’s so cute. I couldn’t bear to see Grace Jones kick her ass.

Anyway, Karen and I most recently saw Sarah in The Aristocrats — a really fun movie, and every bit as filthy as you’ve been led to believe. Here’s a link to AVC’s interview with Sarah, in which she touches upon, among many things, her time on Saturday Night Live, and the various jokes which have gotten her into trouble over the years.

Sarah, I would treat you like a goddess*. You know how good Jewish men are to their women.

*at least, when I’m not trying to think up who else to shag.

It’s damned difficult coming up with ten. However, when I ran through my mental list of smart & cute, one other name came to mind: The Daily Show’s Samantha Bee.

Yeah, I’d do Samantha, even if she is still pregnant. Especially if she’s still pregnant.

Aside from wit and humor, power turns me on (hence Grace Jones). With that in mind, it should not surprise you that I yearn to worship Cate Blanchett,

but only as Galadriel, and that would be Galadriel with the ring, thank you very much, and thoroughly corrupted:

In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountains! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!

(Tolkien, man. He sure did luuurve his Capitals and Exclamation Marks!!!) But when Cate Blanchett performed those lines, all I could think was, “Yes, yes! Give her the ring! Let me Despair!”

On a different note, I have, since childhood, had the hots for Lauren Bacall.

Do you think I care that she’s 81 years old? She’s Hollywood, get it? She slept with Bogart. She co-starred with Paul Newman and John Wayne. Besides, 81 or not, she still has great bone structure. Bone structure never leaves you. Trust me on that, I’m a doctor.

But at the end of the long night of shagging, it takes one potent sexual dynamo to get my engine revvin’ for more. Who, you ask, is up to the task? Who can resurrect the dead after nine performances?

Foxxy Love, that’s who — that hunka burnin’ love on the right.

***

I tag: whomever has the time and inclination to play this silly (albeit fun) game. Why don’t we do like the Thursday Thirteen. If you post your own Shag 10, let me know in the comments, and I’ll post a link to you below this line.

Thus far, only Blue Gal has picked up the meme. Guess you’re all a bunch of monogamites. 

Tomorrow, I really have to do some editing. Really.

D.