Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Cosmo jumps the shark
It’s true. I haven’t done a Cosmo 13 in a very long time, because eventually the mag’s self-satire undermined my own feeble attempts at humor. After the third or hundredth headline promised, Twenty-four New Ways To Make Her Beg For More! and delivered,
1. Give her a sensuous massage at 1 AM.
2. Give her a sensuous massage at 2 AM.
3. Give her a sensuous massage . . .
. . . I decided to call it quits. For several years, I had wondered who made up Cosmo’s target audience. I came to the conclusion it was composed of young women who find titillation in French words like frottage yet blanch at anatomically accurate descriptions (thus, Grip his member firmly, and don’t forget to fondle his two little friends). Women who, for thrills, like to put sprinkles and chocolate chips on their vanilla ice cream.
Naturally, this month’s cover grabbed my attention. (Cosmo covers often do. Who wouldn’t want to learn Ten Ways to Make him Pass Out from Ecstacy?) I mean, really: what topic could be so racy Cosmo couldn’t talk about it on the cover?
Take a moment to think about it. Come up with your best guess and then join me below the fold.
No, not bestiality.
Not even anal sex.
Perhaps The Seven Secrets of Fabulous Fisting? No such luck.
Oral sex. I shit you not. Something as common as oral sex is, for Cosmo, too potentially offensive to put on the cover. But that’s not it at all; no, some brainiac realized this would be an attention-grabber par excellence. Shame they can only do it once.
D.
THIS? This is the point at which Cosmo jumped the shark for you? It did that for me the second time it promised sex secrets that would drive me crazy and they turned out to be all the stuff i’d been doing since I was about 16.
Maybe it was the dashing of that last glimmer of hope that Cosmo might have something truly outrageous with which to surprise me.