The Pee Post

A probing, prodigiously particularized  post penned by your perennially puerile protagonist, um . . . Pwalnut.

This idea came to me in the wee hours of the morning. If my muse has found a topic which interests her, I’m not about to argue, even if the inspiration was painfully obvious.

Before we proceed, I have one administrative detail for you. Yes, the contest is still open. Scroll down, check it out. It’s fun! It’s easy! How can you not participate?

Onward to the Pee Thirteen . . .

1. Wet dreams. (What made me think of this: Raw Dawg Buffalo’s post the other day about wet dreams and morning wood. Awesome use of vegetables to illustrate a point, Torrance. Here’s a different kind of wet dream.) Am I the only male who sometimes dreams of out-of-control urination? In the dream, I’ll be minding my own business hitting the bowl when suddenly my business takes on a mind of its own. And now I’m painting the walls, hitting the ceiling, creating my own personal uric greenhouse. What the hell does that mean?

2. Water sports is one slang term for sex involving urination. Not my kink, mainly because I find the odor to be offensive, but I can understand why some folks would get into it. Urine is warm and wet and as personal and intimate as any other bodily fluid. In healthy individuals, urine is sterile.

If you want proof that some folks can use the Bible to justify anything, Proverbs 5:15 has been interpreted as an endorsement of pee play:

Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.

Needless to say (I hope), urine is not always safe. In infected individuals, it can carry Hepatitis B and a variety of STDs. Handle with care.

3. Ear drops. Guess it shouldn’t surprise me that people advocate urine as a cure for ear infections (but it has to be the FIRST MORNING URINE!) There’s even a bit of truth to the idea. We know that an acid pH antagonizes the growth of fungi and bacteria in the ear canal. Urine is a weak acid.

Of course, you could accomplish the same thing by putting a few drops of diluted white vinegar in the ear canal, but some people like to get fancy.

4. Beet salad isn’t something I eat very often. Maybe that’s why I always forget that beets turn urine a deep brick red, almost as if one were bleeding internally. Once in Crescent City, I ran next door to our community health center so that I could dipstick my urine. Nope, no blood. The last time this happened to me, I thought, “Oh, it’s cancer, it’s finally shown up” only for an instant before remembering the beet salad from the night before. And while we’re on the subject of colorful pee . . .
5. Rifampin was one of the original antibiotics used to treat tuberculosis. It has also been used to treat leprosy, and nowadays it has an important role in the treatment of drug-resistant Staph infections (MRSA).

It also turns your urine a brilliant, nearly fluorescent orange.

Other rainbow urines:

Blue urine (from artificial colorings in foods and medications)
Mahogany urine (from the excretion of bile)
Green urine (in some folks who have eaten a lot of asparagus)

6. Urine therapy has been claimed as a cure for, well — you name it, and you can cure it by drinking your own pee. Here is a quick overview, with a few money quotes.

[Martha] Christy says doctors have deliberately not highlighted the benefits of auto-urine therapy because there are no profits in it for them.

Evil doctors. And that explains why I hate ear candling, too — because it keeps all those lucrative wax impaction patients out of my office!

Dr Michael Stroud, an expert in nutrition at England’s Southampton University – and a member of explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s record-breaking expeditions – says people who believe their urine can cure them of Aids and improve their complexions are “daft as brushes”.

I love that. “Daft as brushes.” Who knew brushes were daft? Anyway, the close is priceless. I wish I could remember this episode . . .

Perhaps the last word should be left to that embracer of all things alternative, Jennifer Saunders’s character Eddy in the sitcom Absolutely Fabulous: “It’s urine therapy, darling, it’s not to be sniffed at.”

7. Why does asparagus make pee smell bad? Just ask Mark Leyner, he of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? fame. In the companion book Why Do Men Have Nipples?, Leyner writes:

Asparagus contains a sulfur compound called mercaptan. It is also found in onions, garlic, rotten eggs, and in the secretions of skunks. The signature smell occurs when this substance is broken down in your digestive system. Not all people have the gene for the enzyme that breaks down mercaptan, so some of you can eat all the asparagus you want without stinking up the place. One study published in the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology found that only 46 percent of British people tested produced the odor while 100 percent of French people tested did. Insert your favorite French joke here________________________________.

Other theories: here.

8. Marking territory with urine is something we humans have given up, although perhaps not as long ago as you might think: “Some monkeys and other primates urinate on their feet so that they leave their scent on trees as they travel.”

From Primatologist Kimran Miller at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls:

“So we think the alpha males might use urine-washing to convey warm, fuzzy feelings to females, that their solicitation is working and that there’s no need to run away,” Miller said. “Or they could be doing it because they’re excited.”

In addition, Miller and her colleagues found that when monkeys were confronted with aggression — even by something as subtle as a glance — after they urine-washed, 87 percent of the time the aggression ended. This suggests it might help appease aggressors, “a sort of ‘Hey, whatever happened, I’m sorry,'” she explained.

I think I need to try this next time Karen and I have a fight.

9. Technology rawks. Now women can pee standing up (the “aaaaah” at 0:49 is simply precious). Buy P-Mate here for less than a dollar apiece!

10. Pee on that third rail with impunity. Mythbusters proved that by the time the pee stream reaches the third rail, it has already broken up. No physical connection, ergo no shock to the willy. When Adam tried to pee on an electrified fence, however, he did experience a little tingle . . . although maybe that’s cuz Kari was working the camera.

11. How to hold in pee when you don’t have access to a bathroom . . . who knew it could be so complicated?

12. Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe did not die from a ruptured bladder, contrary to the oft-told myth. The story goes that Brahe was hosting a dinner party, and at that time it was considered the height of rudeness for the host to leave the table. In various accounts, Brahe dies either of a ruptured bladder or from a urinary tract infection caused by prolonged retention. In fact, he likely died of mercury poisoning — Hard to say whether he used mercury as a medicinal or whether he was poisoned.

But can a person die from a ruptured bladder? Apparently so. Or at least, it has been reported in the British Medical Journal that ruptured bladder is a rare outcome of binge drinking. If I had been asked, I would have sworn that ruptured bladder could only occur as the result of trauma. I’ve learned something today!

13. How to disguise leaks. When a man gets a *cough* certain age, his bladder and prostate become willfully evil. It’s not at all uncommon to go pee, think you’re finished, tuck your willy back into your pants, and discover — SUDDENLY — that there are still a few cc’s left. If you’re at work and you don’t have a change of dress slacks, what do you do?

I’ve found that the surest solution is to splash water all over my pants and shirt. If my patient were to look at me funny, I would say, “Our faucet. It explodes sometimes.” Or I’d say, “Funky water pressure in that bathroom — watch out!” But no one ever looks at me funny. It’s an odd thing.

Remember how this works, folks? Yeah, I know, it’s been a while. But I thought I had run out of Thirteen topics. Anyway: leave a comment and I’ll leave you some linky lurve below.

Enjoy your Sunday and your week!

The Linky Lurve Section begins . . . HERE:

Dan wants you to get your business cards right

Lyvvie’s really getting into supersex supersets (and the diff is?)

joolz loves Dexter and Obama. My kinda gal.

D.