Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
We’ve narrowed it down
. . . to either Dog Pee Place, Water Damage, The Cat House, or The Dung House.
The options are actually more appealing than their nicknames would suggest.
Dog Pee Place is on a quiet street in a nice neighborhood. It’s more expensive, a bit more remote, and the bedrooms are small. So named because the occupant’s Pomeranian was that excited to see us. Landlord’s a cool dude. I liked him a lot.
Water Damage is one among over a hundred condos, all of which were built in a substandard fashion. Most but not all of the problems with this particular condo have been fixed, but there’s still a crack in the floor of the master bath, and apparently the whole place has to be raised four inches. Advantages: it’s month by month (cuz if they decide to fix it, they want to be able to give thirty days notice), it has the nicest master bedroom of all of the properties, and the bedrooms are on a sub-level, so they’re cool, cool, cool. On a hot day, the bedrooms were easily in the high sixties, even without the AC on. Disadvantages: they could toss us out with thirty days notice.
The Cat House would probably be the nicest of the bunch were it not for The Bonnie Situation*. I called this guy yesterday. Does the place have AC? Yes. Do you allow cats? Um. Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll have to ask my wife, she’s terribly allergic. I called back later. Do you allow cats? I don’t know, I’ll have to ask my wife, she’s terribly allergic. Today, we’re looking at the place, really liking it. So how’s the cat situation? I’ll have to ask my wife. But only if you’re really serious about this place.
We figure he’s scared to death of his wife.
I ask him: so, what’s up? It’s not like she’s going to be living here, right? (Although part of me is thinking: maybe she’ll be living here. Hey, man, your wife, is she hawt?) He says, We’ll be moving back in a couple of years. What if we give you an additional security deposit so that you can clean the carpets after we’re gone? I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my wife. But only if you’re really serious.
If I called him right now, I’m willing to give 10:1 odds he hasn’t asked his wife.
We call it The Cat House because a black cat strolled through the back yard and Jake befriended her. Nice cat, took an immediate shine to Jake and even let me pet her. But the moniker works well for other reasons, too.
The Dung House may be the perfect place for us. The price is right — fully five hundred dollars per month cheaper than Dog Pee Place or The Cat House. Big place, lots of hardwood floors, good-sized master bedroom. But the neighborhood smells like cow shit. Or maybe pig shit. How should I know — I’m not a country boy. It smelled like a County Fair.
We think maybe someone in the neighborhood is fertilizing; we’ll check back tomorrow morning to see if we’re unfairly maligning the place.
All of them are two story homes. I tried to find a rambler, I really did, but no one would call back!
Home tomorrow . . . and one week from today, we’ll be back in Santa Rosa.
For good.
D.
*I think I like Pulp Fiction even better in Italian.
COOOL! Congrats. I’m so happy for you. I have to vote against the Dung House. If it smells like shit now it will smell like that for a long time.
Nah – I live in a farming area. You get desensitized to the smell really fast – and it’s not like they spread manure every day. I’ll bet it’s fine today.
Pig shit has a sharp ammoniac tang to it, quite unpleasant, although it depends to some extent on what they’ve been fed. Cow shit isn’t really bad, although the stuff they spray on the fields has been collected up and fermented for a while: it’s like COW SHIT instead of cow shit.
Horse shit is actually not unpleasant.
Chicken/turkey is ghastly.
You need to do a bit of scouting and see where the smell is coming from. If it’s from a big building full of pigs or a chicken/turkey farm, it’ll be concentrated and nearly constant, and I disagree with MM, you will not get used to it. If it’s from someone spraying manure on their fields, it’s no big deal.
my grandmother used to live in the mushroom capital of the world, kennett square, PA. you know what they grow mushrooms in? SHIT. so the whole town smelled kind of funky, but as mm said, you get desensitized to it pretty fast. i vote for dung house, i think.
My brother worked on a chicken farm in the mid 80s. I think I can still smell it on him!
Dean’s right. Poultry shit’s NASTY, pig shit ain’t great, but cow and horse shit isn’t too bad, all things considered.
If someone were spreading manure on their garden, you’ll smell it for a day or two then the stink will compost out and not smell anymore. It does stink for a while, though.
Could you be near a meat processing or sewage treatment plant? If so, the smell will never end.
I grew up on farm. When I cleaned the sheds, and spread the manure, it was not fine the next day, nor the day after, nor the day after that. Chicken shit has staying power. I killed the asparagus one year with it. DO NOT MOVE NEXT TO THE DUNG, HOFFMAN.I don’t give a crap what anyone says. Been there done that with the poo – horse, cow, sheep, and chicken. DON’T DO DO IT.