Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
I almost killed myself today
Every ten years or so, I have to open my mouth and say something so incredibly stupid that my entitlement to a Darwin Award seems inevitable.
At the post office today, I waited behind some pregnant woman with dreadlocks. Nearby, lurking about and talking to himself, stood a man with wild, dark hair, and tattoos galore. He was a fidgety dude, small, wiry, with unblinking eyes.
I stepped up to the counter to buy stamps and send off a couple PaperbackSwap books. Dreadlock gal was to my right. Scary dude had wandered off to another part of the post office, well out of ear shot.
I almost said to the post office clerk, “So. What’s with Charlie Manson?” but I was in a non-snarky mood, I guess, and kept my mouth shut for a change.
On the way out of the post office, who do I see driving off together? That’s right: Charlie Manson and his pregnant gal. The same pregnant gal who was standing three feet away from me when I would have made my lousy joke, the same gal who would have repeated it back to her wild-eyed boyfriend, the boyfriend who would have tracked me down and killed me, my wife, AND my son, thus allowing me to meet all of the requirements for a Darwin Award (no progeny, dontcha know).
There’s a Jewish teaching that you should only speak if you have something necessary to say. One should be deliberate in one’s speech, that’s the idea.
I’m starting to see the wisdom of this.
***
New patient, a guy in his fifties. He’s sitting in my waiting room, filling out paperwork while I work through my afternoon’s patients. One of my patients gives me a big hug. Nice old gal, she’s sorry to see me go, what will we ever do without you, etc. Another old gal comes in, gets her ears cleaned out, insists on a hug. We’re going to miss you, we’re so sorry to see you leave, oh come on give me another hug.
Finally, I called my new patient back into the room.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You won’t have to hug me.”
D.
These days, I think twice about using the horn in my car let alone making comments within earshot of people who resemble Charles Manson.
I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve *almost* said something and been terribly relieved within moments that I didn’t. I don’t catch myself from embarrassment every time, but it’s happened often enough that I at least make the effort to not speak first and regret later.
“Only speak if you have something necessary to say.”
Dang. Where does that leave me. With my lip zipped I guess.