Another Thirteen

I could have done Thirteen Fruit Desserts. Baked apple! Rhubarb crumble! Port-poached pears!

I could have done Thirteen Hospitals. My son and I were born in the same hospital — how exciting is that?

And I could have done Thirteen Coins. Thrill to the story of the controversial 1878 Trade Dollar — Liberty on a Commode!

I could have done any one of those Thirteens. But would it have been fun?

Naaaah. Instead, I chose . . .

Thirteen Dominatrices

1. Mistress Gabriella teaches two or three tough guys to respect her authoritay. This video cracked me the hell up. How challenging can it be to say, “Thank you, Mistress?”

Disrespect is one common way to “green light” the dominatrix, so maybe these fellows are really into the pain scene. Then again, maybe they’re just plain dumb.

2. Emma Peel may or may not have been a bedroom dominatrix, but she certainly dressed the part.

Looks good in black leather? Check. Kicks male ass with a smile on her face? Check.

She looked damn good in other outfits, too.

Onward to the real dommes . . .

3. Natasha Strange, whose website claims she Puts the OW in Meow. You don’t enter her site; you flee or submit.

I love that she references Miss Manners on her etiquette page. What should we aspire to, Mistress?

Be one of these!

The boy who eats a small meal before coming to see me, and does not have a drink. He shows up on time. He smells clean and is dressed nicely. He takes his shoes off just inside the door. He politely leaves the tribute in an envelope on the altar and places himself at my feet. He discusses all health issues and limits with me as well as his interests.

4. The very cute C. J. Arabia spanks her pussy. Bad pun. But is it any worse than “kitty porn”?

5. MKM’s MySpace page. I’m having fun looking at all of her friends, and her friends’ friends, and her friends’ friends’ friends . . .

I think dominatrices look cool. Plump or thin, old or young, put ’em in black leather and they all look fine. But what is it with doms? If I were a chick, would this look good to me? (Hey, I think I went through residency with that guy. Wonder if he remembers me?)

6. Miss Grey: a woman who knows what she likes (and doesn’t like).

I can’t make up my mind what I like best about dominatrices’ websites. The pictures? Their lists of likes and dislikes? Their wish lists, sometimes known as ‘tributes’? Their demands for and expectations of complete, unquestioning respect?

And it occurs to me: all women should have websites like this, whether they’re into the BDSM scene or not. Wouldn’t courtship be far easier if we knew a woman’s likes and dislikes, preferred gifts, expectations?

To answer that other question — what do I like most about these sites — I think it really must be the likes/dislikes. I learn so much. You’ve heard of golden showers, you’ve heard of brown showers, but did you know that men who fancy Roman showers want a woman to barf on them? I didn’t (but I figured it out quickly enough).

Yes, some of this stuff can be translated with a modicum of imagination. Once you know that CBT = cock and ball torture, it’s a cakewalk to see that NT = nipple torture. But what about ErosTek? And what’s a Tucker telephone?

You can clicky clicky to find out, you know.

One thing on Miss Grey’s list of desires intrigues me: Predicaments. I wonder what that entails?

7. And then there’s Selene, a Berkeley home girl who offers, among other services: mind games, financial domination, goddess worship, and forced masturbation.

Insert marriage joke here.

8. Meet Ms. Dana Specht, spanking expert. I had better watch what I say — it looks like she makes house calls.

9. Calico is a smart and funny dominatrix-blogger who writes Dominatrix Next Door (clearly, I grew up in the wrong neighborhood). I enjoyed her Unofficial Client Rules — it’s always helpful to know how much to tip, don’t you think?

Check her out, though. I had to stop myself, or else you would have had a Thursday Nine and not a Thursday Thirteen.

10. Miss Victoria X explains why you should never ever ever never suspend a bound sub using a neck collar and then leave the room.

11. Radical Vixen is a self-proclaimed hippie chick with the right politics and, lo! she’s giving away sex toys in her Blog Anniversary contest.

My wife, the domme:

Meh, not one of my better photoshoppes.

12. Bitchy Jones’s Diary — Y’all know I love a bitchy woman, so of course I would like Bitchy Jones. If I can steer you to only one post, it would be her Perverted Sex: A Useful Glossary. This snip will give you a taste:

Male: God, god, god! What is wrong with people? Male is not a noun. It is an adjective. You are not a submissive male, you are a submissive man or a submissive male human. Or perhaps a submissive male gorilla – which would be sort of hot.

This is great. I love it when a writer’s personality comes through so clearly in one single post. Wow.

And just cuz I’m a guy and hormones rule my neocortex and this woman is hot, my ultimate Number Thirteen has to be,

13. Mistress Matisse, she of the killer body. She writes a kick-ass blog, and her recent article (for Seattle’s The Stranger) on sexual predilections of the Presidential candidates rawks. Smart! Literate! Beautiful! Cruel! Who could ask for anything more?

Be cruel to me in the comments and I’ll give you some kinky linky lurve.

Oh, to be a college student again. Shaina, you have it made.

Corn Dog’s doggy is a stamp, while my ferrets’ highest aspiration is to crap all over everything.

Pat’s gonna kick ass and settle a few treckle lansing disputes, too

Kate-as-Summer tells men how to get more sex (so what do I have to do, turn my tongue into a Swiffer?)

thursday thirteen

D.