Thirteen Valentines to Audrey Hepburn

Only number three on American Film Institute’s top 25 actresses? How dare they!

1. My Fair Lady. See, this is what I love about homeschooling. My explanation of iambic pentameter led to “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain,” which led to a discussion of the myth of Pygmalion, George Bernard’s play based on Pygmalion, and finally, this video. Jake seemed to find it hilarious. And, truly, there is something very funny about an old-fashioned Hollywood musical. If you’re not used to seeing actors and actresses break out into song, the effect is electric. As in, What the hell . . . ?

2. Sabrina. Here’s Audrey singing “La Vie en Rose” to Humphrey Bogart. (Karen says she lip-synched the singing for My Fair Lady. I don’t know if this is really Audrey singing, or not.) One enduring testimony to Bogart’s greatness is the fact he looks so much older, so much more tired, so much more used than Audrey Hepburn here, and yet he still works as a romantic lead. That’s because Bogart is Bogart. People sometimes forget that about stars: they’ve become far more than their physical selves. Part of the star’s soul is up there on the screen for all to behold, for all to share.

It’s true of Bogart, and it’s true of Audrey Hepburn.

3. Funny Face. Fred Astaire, he’s another one. If you had never seen him dance, what would he be? Some goofy-looking guy, that’s what. None of Astaire’s dancing in this clip, but Audrey’s really singing here (“How Long Has This Been Going On.”)

4. Breakfast at Tiffany’s — the ending. I’ll ruin it for you. In what has to be one of cinema history’s crassest uses of symbolism, Holly Golightly sets her pussy free, then decides her pussy would be happier as a kept item.

And could George Peppard look any more GQ?

5. Two for the Road — the ending. Fast forward to 00:58 and get a load of Audrey’s outfit. The shades! The, um, whatever that thing is which keeps us from seeing her boobs and neck! And here’s Albert Finney before he got all old and worn out.

What could be better Valentine’s Day fare than their enduring words of love:

“Bitch.”

“Bastard.”

Aaaaah. Reminds me of my childhood. You know what they say: the best gift you can give your children is a loving marriage.

6. Robin and Marian. I’m always pointing out bone structure to my wife. “Look at her!” I scream. (I don’t scream for many things, but I do scream for good bone structure.) “WHAT CHEEKBONES!”

Why is bone structure so important? Because with good bones, a face never ceases to be beautiful, no matter how old it gets. Here’s Audrey at about age 46, telling Sean Connery how much she loves him.

7. Always, her last movie. Here she is at about age 59, still gorgeous. Skip forward to 00:52 unless you really dig hearing Richard Dreyfuss’s whistling skills.

The soft focus and lighting help, of course, but the cinematographer still needs to have something good to work with. How many of today’s starlets will look this good at 59?

8. The Lavender Hill Mob, one of her earliest roles, wherein she gets to do a li’l cheek-rub with Obi-wan Kenobi. I didn’t know she was in this movie; that’s one more reason to put it on my Net Flix queue.

9. Charade features Audrey opposite Cary Grant. I’ve never seen this one. What’s up with the shower scene, wherein Cary Grant takes a shower in his suit and (as far as I can tell) puts on effete manners? Bizarre.

10. Wait Until Dark is a really weird flick. I’ve only ever seen the ending. Audrey’s blind, and she has to get the better of Alan Arkin, who I gather is some sort of homicidal drug addict. Or something. Anyway, he wants her dollie, and he’s not taking no for an answer.

11. The Unforgiven, which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube (here’s clip one). Here’s the blurb on YouTube:

Legendary director John Huston is at the top of his form with this powerful exciting tale of forbidden love set against America’s most ruggest and ruthless frontier. Starring Burt Lancaster, Audrey Hepburn and Lillian Gish, and featuring a script by Ben Maddow, The Unforgiven is a tough Texas saga filled with pride, prejudice, and passion.

Indian by birth. secretly adopted by whites, Rachel Zachary soon becomes the target of lawless racism and brutality when her true identity is revealed. The indians want her back, the local whites want her dead, and her only hope for survival is a man who must face the terrifying fight of his life – to save the woman he loves!

12. How to Steal a Million. Audrey Hepburn, Peter O’Toole. ‘Nuff said.

And you knew I had to save it for last . . .

13. Roman Holiday, which earned her the Academy Award for Best Actress (1953). Here she is being gullible for co-star Gregory Peck. There’s a tribute at the end of this viddy, but if you’re looking for Audrey Hepburn tributes on YouTube, there’s a million of ’em.

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Well, there it is, my better late than never Thirteen.

You know what to do.

thursday thirteen

Dan’s mega-list of thingamabobs for bloggers

(#7, Top Ten Obscure Google Search Tips, led me to search “better than oral sex,” which in turn led me to this dude who apparently thinks masturbation is “a problem.” Get real. And you should see his tortured reasoning for why oral sex is sinful.)

While I’m busy giving Valentines to Audrey Hepburn, Dean’s giving ’em to sxKitten. Maybe that explains why he can lay claim to his #4 and I can’t . . .

Da Nator, a room full of dead cats is no way to spend a Valentine’s Day (and cleaning ear boogers is?)

sxKitten’s back atcha. I wonder what Karen’s nickname for me would be? The Fumigator, perhaps.

Raw Dawg Buffalo writes about the dangers of super delegates bucking the trend

Darla loves a parade

Thirteen drafts from Gailann

D.