Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
GallimauFriday IV: spam spam spam spam Edition
Remember the Big Suit?
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My quarantine box gets email:
Licenced online pharmacy! Best prices
Ooh, look how they spell “licensed.” They must be Canadian.
Canadian Pharmacy
See? And I bet they sell a lot of
Penis Growth OilPenis Growth Oil is an all natural safe and effective male enhancement and penis enlargement madication.
Rub vigorously on your penis . . . guaranteed to make it larger.
What about,
Is your partner happy?
“Karen, are you happy?”
“The question is, are YOU happy with your lower anatomy.”
“Who, me? I’d like to gain 1 to 3 inches! Listen to this.”
Psychological Benefits of a Bigger Penis
The face of a man is usually an open book to most women. They can read practically anything in our faces. I’ve known ladies who could tell the size of my penis, bank account and the status of my sex life by taking only one look at me. Of course, the look was followed by the lady’s departure in the opposite direction.
Karen: “What is the size of your penis bank account?”
It’s, um, comfortable. Yeah, that’s a good adjective. But perhaps I’d be happier with a
TamikaOverlargePhallus
I keep trying to get the wife to say, “Too beaucoup! Too beaucoup!” but she won’t play along. Perhaps if I had an overlarge phallus, she’d have no choice. So: what does it take to have an overlarge phallus?
Dammit! Another spam for VPXL, the herbal penis-enlarger. Okay, I give up: how much will it cost me to add 20% to my girth and 1 to 3 inches to my length?
Only $199.95 for a six month supply. Prices like that, I can’t afford not to have a larger penis.
I still don’t understand emails like this:
Subject: Plagues itselfThe hind that would.
Does littleharm save to his.. The office of God and the.
No link, no ad. *scratches head*
Hmm. This looks different.
DannyErectileorganQueen-sized
Queen-sized? Not King-sized? I figure this is yet another ad for VPXL (I received well over a hundred of them in my spam box).
Nope. It’s different! Wondercum:
Here’s a topic that every man has thought about, but few discuss: the abundant, potent volume and intense shooting power of the healthy, virile male.
Maybe you desire a bigger, more impressive load of cum… Maybe you have always felt that your orgasms could be stronger and longer… Maybe you seek ways to increase your fertility and potency… or maybe you’re a guy who’s experienced some diminishing of potency and intensity as you get older, and want to restore it or even go beyond all previous sexual highs.
Yes . . . but will it make my phallus overlarge?
D.
I’ve occasionally thought of using the babble that spammers use to try to fool context filters as the basis for a writing exercise.
Today we have King Replica, and gratitude!cairn rink coexistence.gushing.
Gratitude. Cairn. Rink. Coexistence. Gushing.
Don’t do it! I have an old short story in which I tried to lampoon jargon-loving hard SF. Of course, I had to make it nearly impossible to read. Even though it was IMHO pretty funny, it didn’t get a nibble from any of the zine editors. Not a nibble.
By the way, what do you suppose VPXL stands for — Very Penis Extra Large?
A quick technical caveat here: since you’re linking to real spam sites, your own search engine karma is likely to get dinged by Google… If you’re going to leave those links intact, they should probably have ‘rel=”nofollow”‘ attributes on them.
YIKES! Thanks for the tip. Problem solved (hopefully in time!)
I’d like to know why they think I need a bigger penis. It’s not part of my standard issue equipment, although I do have one on loan pretty much any time I want. But they’re not targeting him, they’re targeting ME. Can’t they understand that I’m absolutely happy with the one I get to enjoy, no added anything needed.
Btw, does anyone actually buy Spam Stuff? Why aren’t these places going out of business for lack of sales?
Tam, there are always plenty of insecure boys and men out there willing to pop the $$$ for a bigger d.i.c.k. Cuz no matter how many times you women say size doesn’t matter, there are always other women who say it does. And those are the voices we hear.
People do buy from spam. In traditional direct mail, 2% used to be considered a good conversion rate. Now I think it’s down to .5%. So, you can try to budget such that a .5% conversion rate will, at the minimum, cover your expenses for the printing and mailing of the piece.
With spam, you don’t have all that. If you get a fraction of a fraction of a percent of people to buy, you’re covered and you’ve probably made some money. If you can send out a million eMails and only .0001% of people buy, that’s still 100 sales.
That’s why you don’t see any targeting (usually) in spam as you do in direct mail. We probably all get ads for both male and female “enhancement” products, and it doesn’t matter to the spammer who incurs no additional cost if his message reaches the wrong people.
In fact, every so often you will read of people that enjoy getting spam because it makes them aware of stuff they wouldn’t otherwise have heard of. Seriously. Those people do exist. And, so long as even just .0001% of the population doesn’t mind getting spam and might even purchase something because of it, our eMailboxes will continue to get flooded with the stuff.
“Too beaucoup!” OMFG I thought I’d split something.
Is there such a thing as “100% pure suburban Oregon whitesnake”..?
Suburban? Around these parts, it’s 100% pure rural.
I got that “Extra-jizz is great!” spam and thought – EW!! I figured increasing your load would be very inconsiderate. A bigger wet spot? Choke the kindness of the head giver? And you may want to “increase fertility” but men never consider the woman in this because; what goes in, must come out. We don’t just absorb that stuff you know. We get yet another wet spot.
This is for men who watch “Cum Shot” porn and think “I want to do that!!”
Yeah, it’s a weird, weird world, innit?
I used to enjoy the charms of the MegaDik (or is that MegaD!k or maybe Meg@Dik?) spam series. Almost poetic the variations on “Did dollies gaffaw at you in the public toilet?” All the images! Why does the author think the reader is showing his equipment in some sort of mixed sex public facility? Does the author live in a country with co-ed toilets that clearly don’t have even privacy panels? I sort of miss them – almost poetic.
Canadian pharmacies? Oh, please. Stock tips? No magic there either. I appreciate those online casinos willingness to welcome we Americans, but even the 500 Euro starting bonus, won’t bring me into the fold – or maybe it’s the lack of formal attire in my digital wardrobe.
I know this is going to be a stupid ass question but umm, man I saw that vpxl stuff. I looked up every formula that it said was in the bottle and it appeared safe going by the ingredients. Look, this is really low but man i’m a very VERY VERY VERY good lookiing guy. But i have a small penis. And its like taking away my dignity. I just wondered if anybody knows weather this vpxl stuff is a scam or could it be ligimate. I know its part of spam email but is spam email ever something benefical? Because if i had any hope of it working without harming me, i’d take the pills but i want some kind of sign that this is ok tfor me to do before i do it. If anybody gets this and may have a answer to my question, email me at msaturn401k000@yahoo.com