Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Somewhere in the world, it’s Thursday
Today’s Thursday Thirteen:
Thirteen Things I’d Rather Do Than Get My Eyes Examined.
Photo by Joshua Heller, who would probably agree with today’s Thirteen.
I had an early day in the OR today, intentionally early so I could make it to my annual eye exam. You’ve had your eyes examined, right? They put that green shit in your eyes so they can touch your eyeballs, and that’s just the appetizer, the first hint of terror to soften you up for the full waterboarding of a slit-lamp exam. Once you’re weeping like an aging diva, the doc brings out the big light and the big magnifying glass, because, guess what, he only seared your macula and optic disk, and there’s a whole lot more retina left to fry. Then they send you home with plastic wrap-arounds and the assurances, (A) it’s safe to drive. No, really! And (B) don’t worry, it’ll all be better in two hours.
Right.
So I was thinking about all the procedures I would rather endure than a dilated eye exam, et voila, here we are.
1. High colonic irrigation. How bad can this be? The hydrotherapist has you lie down, she sticks a hose up your ass and fills your colon with warm whatever, then pumps all the badness out. It sounds . . . oh, I don’t know. Relaxing. Certainly more relaxing than having your eyes charbroiled.
Besides — all the beautiful people are doing it.
2. Dental cleaning. I’m having this done tomorrow, so I’ll be able to vouch for this one firsthand.
A few years ago, I had a horrible approach-avoidance problem. My hygienist was as cute as she was cruel. I stuck with her for a couple of years, but when she introduced me to ultrasonic cleaning, I bailed. No one fucks with my ears.
3. Lumbar puncture. As you may recall, I have firsthand experience with this, too. It’s not bad, provided you’ve been pumped full of demerol and the practitioner knows what he’s doing.
When I was a kid, I remember learning that lumbar punctures are the most painful common medical procedures. This is not true. Bone marrow biopsy is the most painful common medical procedure. I’ve heard air contrast myelograms aren’t a cake-walk, either. Neither of those procedures are going on this list.
4. Blood donation, which I really ought to do. I donated regularly while in med school, not so regularly since. I tried to be a sperm donor, too, but they didn’t want me. “Too many aberrant forms,” the fertility guy said. My suspicion? Not enough demand for hobbit sperm.
5. Cardiac stress test. You would think there’s nothing unpleasant about a treadmill test, wouldn’t you? But you’d be wrong. I didn’t mind breaking a sweat on the treadmill (although I prefer elliptical trainers). I do mind having a bunch of patches of fur shaved from my chest. I looked ridiculous — kind of like Steve Carell after his partial waxing in 40-Year-Old Virgin. The hairy parts tickled and irritated the hairless parts, so I thought, why not shave off the whole thing? So I did.
It still itched like crazy.
Funny thing — my belly (shaved for my recent umbilical hernia operation) hasn’t bugged me one bit.
6. Wax irrigation. We ENTs don’t clean wax this way. We have little scoops and loops and hooks and bitey things to get the wax out comfortably.
Primary care docs and their nurses don’t have our cool tools, so they have to lavage the wax. Unfortunately, this feels like the worst wet willy you’ve ever had. And if they get the temperature wrong (too warm or too cold), you’ll develop a powerful case of vertigo, too. It’s a thermal effect — the temperature difference gets your inner ear fluids moving around, which fools your brain into thinking you’ve just stepped off the Magic Teacups.
7. Psychoanalysis. Lie on a couch for an hour fifty minutes and bash your mom. Admittedly, this would get old after a while, old and expensive.
Anyway, that’s what blogs are for.
8. A massage. Yes, I know I’m really falling on a sword here. But to make this pledge sincere, I’ll volunteer for one of those full-day massages.
9. Cystoscopy, i.e., having a urologist look up your urethra and into your bladder with a flexible endoscope. Sure, it’s a little freaky having a nurse squirt lidocaine up your urethra, and it stings like hell, but only for a moment. Then you’re screaming I CAN’T FEEL MY PENIS! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY PENIS? until she pries open your eyelids and you see your limp johnson wagging happily between your legs.
The worst part: afterwards, I kept feeling like I had to pee even when I didn’t need to.
The best part: afterwards, you get to take pills which turn your pee blue. Woot!
10. CT of anything with contrast. I’ve heard that during the contrast infusion, it’s common to feel a huge influx of blood into your pelvis. Sounds like fun.
11. Local injection. I love how docs think it’s better to torture people with lidocaine injections in order to spare them the pain of a procedure. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to perform the mental balancing act and ask yourself: which is more painful, the procedure or the local?
Here’s one extreme example: if someone comes into my office with a broken nose, I crack it back into place without any anesthesia whatsoever. Sometimes, this takes two attempts. Sound cruel? Not when you realize that to get the nose numb, I would have to inject no fewer than five separate nerve bundles — and each of those injections would hurt like a bugger. Brute force is by far the kinder approach.
12. Chiropractic. Yeah, yeah, I know a lot of you luuuuurve your chiropractors. But remember, I’m a doctor. I’m what all those herbalists, homeopaths, touch therapists, and aromatherapists call an allopath. I’m the enemy, yet here I am putting my spine in the hands of an alternative medicine doc.
I tried it, though. Twice. This was back when I wasn’t exercising, back when I swore no one ever developed a sports injury by sitting on his couch. I preferred to suffer with my lower back pain. Massage helped, but I thought perhaps chiropractic might give more lasting results.
It didn’t. Regular exercise is the only thing that keeps my back quiet.
13. Sex therapy. You’re thinking, Well of course he’d rather see a sex therapist than get his eyes dilated, right?
Trouble is, you have to be mighty careful choosing your practitioner.
You know how it works: leave a comment, get the lurve. What’s your least favorite medical procedure? Did I forget any nasty ones?
Dan, stripping naked is the only way people take me seriously.
microsoar’s ferrety goodness
Note to self: watch Lyvvie’s videos when I’m on a faster machine
Kate gives us a Linda Winfree Thirteen
Suisan’s scholastic horror stories
Dean’s Thirteen favorite posts. Plenty of reading material to keep y’all busy!
Darla: Thirteen Things in Plain Brown Wrappers
Josh’s 19th Century Frameshop
Mia’s Carrie’s pissing off her muse
Read Mauigirl’s viral story (sounds like fun!)
Get elfed with Erin
D.
I sometimes surprise the eye doctor and staff by being able to read when they tell me I shouldn’t. Didn’t enjoy the one time the numbing stuff wore off (or never kicked in to begin with) when he’s messing around putting glass whatchamacallits on my eyeball.
2. I had a co-worker once whose father didn’t like going to the dentist. So, he had all his teeth removed and wore dentures. I am not kidding.
6. So, you saying peroxide is a bad idea? I’m telling you, it’ll kill an oncoming cold.
And I had a patient whose mom got tired of all her daughter’s dental bills and had all her teeth pulled (the daughter’s). Child abuse, much? I think that story shocked me more than anything I’ve ever heard in the office.
Peroxide’s okay if you spike it with vinegar — say, three parts peroxide, one part white vinegar. Acidifying the solution helps to prevent infection. We’re talking EARS here, by the way.
Not sure HOW you’re using it to prevent a cold . . .
Some (wacky?) theory said that the cold virus originates in the ears and then spreads to the sinus cavities. To kill the cold, you put drops of peroxide in your ears and keep it in there for 5 minutes per ear.
I figured, what the heck, I’ll test the theory. So, whenever I feel a cold coming on, I do that. Apparently, it works. Most of the time, it seems to nip the cold in the bud. Sometimes I will still get a cold, but not a bad one. I haven’t had a really bad cold since I started the “experiment.”
The power of suggestion? I would doubt that, since I have tried a number of wacky cures that didn’t work out as well. Like the one where you put a teaspoon of sugar with some clove on your tongue, let it dissolve and then spit until you can’t spit anymore. It soothes the throat for a bit, but doesn’t cure the cold.
I have a friend who recently walked into the chiropractors’ office and was half an hour later taken out on a stretcher to an ambulance. He spent 2 weeks flat on his back and another month or so with limited mobility.
I am NOT anxious to visit one.
Those folks I know who do go to chiropractors, without exception, achieve only temporary “relief” from symptoms – they have to have weekly apointments. It’s a great racket!
Cracking your knuckles is bad, so I can only imagine what spine cracking will do. I have had some really good results from acupuncture. I got free treatments when I was pregnant and had severe pain under my right buttock and numb patches on both hips. I don’t buy into the whole theory of Chi clearing and stuff, but I must say, after one visit the pain was dramatically reduced. It was a major help in my last trimester.
Procedures I’d rather avoid? Well a PAP smear is no picnic. I found a lumbar puncture (epidural that didn’t work, the bastard) a creepy experience as you can feel and hear the pop inside your body. But I think the worst thing I voluntarily went through was eyebrow waxing. For some reason when I puck them myself, it doesn’t hurt, but someone else doing it is fucking torture.
amnio was funky–it wasn’t the pain, it was the strange sensations as the needle goes through the different layers of the body. And then there was watching the sonogram and seeing my idiot child 2 try to get in the way. Hey! whazzzis? hey a toy!
and laparoscopies afterwards because of the rising bubbles hitting the shoulders. Ow.
Are we done whining yet? No? Good! I have to go do tthirteen about a rioter.
#9 Why is it that on most of the medical illustrations showing a cross section of the lower body the person is tipped forward at the hips? It’s so distracting to have the torso leaning like the Tower of Pisa. Any thoughts?
Least favorite medical procedure? Teeth cleaning’s got to be up there. Labor wasn’t terrible, although with Neo it was 33 hours long with an epidural and vacuum suction at the end. The tears were no fun to heal up. However, my least favorite medical procedure has got to be drawing blood.
Apparently I have very small round veins and they roll away from needle sticks. The first part of my labor with Saul I had a nurse trying to set an IV line inbetween every contraction. I quite seriously thought I was going to pick her up by her throat.
Hate getting vein sticks. ::shudder::
I had a procedure once that even I won’t talk about openly. It was painful, but mostly it was degrading. I think I’d rather have had a bone marrow biopsy: at least that would have given me some pain that I could fight.
Having my eyes examined is always a treat–apparently there’s a vein in one eye that’s odd or huge or something (I knew, but I forgot–sorry), and the last time I went in, they called all the other eye docs in to look at it and took pictures and just had loads of fun.
Oh, and I have “deep cups,” too, which always panics them until they look at my records.
I totally agree.
I’ve never had my eyes dilated for an exam before, is this common practice now-a-days in the States?? I do remember when I was a kid and getting my annual exam, I had a wee crush on the Dr. (Who, as an adult I can now attest, was SO HOT!) and every time he moved in super close with that eye thing with the light, I’d bust out in giggles. Makes me snicker just to remember it. He wore Polo. *sigh* The biggest blue eyes…
That whole bit in Friends with Monica and Tom Selleck, was my fantasy on TV.
I also find the eye picture a bit creepy because they still have their contact lens in.
I don’t mind eye exams. Don’t bother me a bit. And I can’t give blood because I lived with the mad cows in England for too long. Cross off one thing that might twinge my conscience with guilty “I should do that” thoughts. Yay!
I’d rather get the eye exam than the dental cleaning or get drilled for a crown. And I’ve had #9, and that was no picnic either; again, I’d rather get the eye exam. I’d rather get a pap smear than get a crown. My dentist knows how I feel.
Oh, and PS? Getting my boobs mashed during a mammogram is much worse than an eye exam.
Dan: regarding your quick cure for the cold: Nuh-uh, nope, no way, eh-eh, ain’t gonna happen. I would sooner believe the peroxide activated some special meridian which kick-started your immune system yatta yatta.
microsoar: I’ve heard stories, too. And what really scares me? Stories about chiropractors manipulating baby spines. *shiver*
Lyvvie: I don’t know how common it is; all my docs want to do it to me. At least this optometrist only wants to do it every other year.
Kate: rising bubbles hitting — whaaaaat?
Suisan: One of my least favorite things was watching a nurse try to set an IV on my wife, over and over again, poke poke poke poke poke. I thought I was going to throw up.
Dean, I thought you didn’t want anyone to know about that beer bottle extraction? Oops!
Darla, my wife has “tilted disks”. She was quite popular among my fellow med students.
Josh, somehow I knew you would.
Carrie, you’re kidding me — they’re asking about residency in the UK nowadays?
Sis, I would MUCH rather get my boobs mashed. MUCH.
Interesting to see how many of the above I’ve had (2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 11, 12). Turns out I have pigment sloughing, which the first time someone saw it, brought an onslaught of med students to see. I only find out a decade later that it can lead to untreatable secondary glaucoma. Great! And I used to only worry that all the color from my iris would be rubbed off. Also great was finding out that after LASIK one’s eye pressure can’t be accurately read by the air puff machine, which not all docs know…
I also always have some red blood cells in my urine, which upsets the doctor reviewing the results. Finally did #9 and turns out there’s no cause, that’s just how it is.
Why is there no contact info for the six-hour massage? And what about tag team massages? I could see spending six hours getting a massage. Oh yes.
My chiropractic experience has been mixed. I recently went to an osteopath (full disclosure – my uncle is an osteopath) and had him fix my back problem along with longstanding plantar fascitis. What a relief! Of course, since I haven’t changed anything in my life (same unergonomic chair, no exercise, etc.), I think it’s coming back… Still it’s fun to take the homeopathic sugar pills.
Mammograms in European are much improved from the smashed breast (and surrounding tissue) on a plate I had in Maryland. My last two were nothing more than mildly uncomfortably.
Hope your exam went well and good luck with the dental cleaning!
P.S. One more annoying little known medical fact – you can indeed brush your teeth too hard and over time cause your perfectly healthy gums to recede. Geez! Moderation, moderation, moderation!
they pump you up with air (or something like it) for a laparoscopy–at least for endometriosis. I guess that’s to make room to look around? Afterwards the air has to go somewhere. OOO although I bet they let a lot out of the small camera/cutter incision at the end of the procedure and I hope it makes a pppppppthhhh embarrassing fart or balloon noise and everyone in the operating room laughs. I wouldn’t know, I was asleep at the time.
Anyway the bubbles inside the bod rise to the shoulders and cause A LOT OF PAIN.
Hey, yo. My last one was more than 17 years ago, so maybe they don’t do the bubbly thing any more?
Kira: my dentist’s power went out and they had to reschedule. Reprieve!
Kate: How strange! And anatomy-defying, for the bubbles to go there. I know they still blow people up (no other way to do it).
OK, I have to tell you, with the exception of the massage, I’d rather have an eye exam than ANY of the other procedures you mention.
The CT scan with contrast – which I’ve had – is indeed an interesting, um, sensation. But the fact I was having it to see if cancer had spread to my lungs (it did not, thank goodness, and I seem to be fine now after 3 years) I wouldn’t have put it on my top 10 list of things I’d like to do.
Do not feel obligated to link me at this late date. That’s not why I’m here. Baby, I give comment UNCONDITIONALLY.
Fact is, you’re freaking me out doc. I can’t handle ear wax and broken noses and pecker prods and everything else. I just stopped in for a nice little drink.
erf!
Okay, now I’m going to go read up on the sex therapist.
Did she mean organisms or orgasms?
Who cares? She looks pretty damn good for 101.
Oh great. Now I just read Dean’s comment and I have to worry about that.
Mauigirl: three year survival is always a good thing 😉
Erin, you’ll get the linky lurve whether you want it or not. It’s the only thing I can do to you against your will without being charged with a crime.
It’s not just England–I can’t get blood because I was living in Germany during certain periods.
Am I the only one who LIKES getting their teeth cleaned? I love the smooth feeling of freshly polished teeth, and the slightly gritty polishing stuff. Plus, it’s the only kind of exam where I get all kinds of praise. 🙂
yes, darla you are the only one.
I keep hearing Steve Martin’s dentist song from Little Shop of Horrors . . .