Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
We need weapons.
One of my patients has a digital anemometer. With Sunday night’s storm, he clocked 90 mph winds.
Karen presented me with a list: axe, flares, dried food, rope, multi-tool, first aid kit, water, etc. You know, one of those lists. I spent Monday afternoon going from store to store, buying emergency supplies. Some are ingenious, like this block of magnesium with a flint built into it. You use your knife to scrape magnesium shavings, then strike your knife against the flint to ignite the magnesium shavings, which in turn ignites your kindling. Magnesium block plus flint: ten bucks. Box of matches: yeah, yeah, I know, but magnesium is neat.
I’m proud of the axe I bought. It’s an axe on one side, a maul on the other.
“For pounding posts into the ground,” I told Karen. “And then we tie rope to the posts.”
I have no idea why I would be pounding posts in the ground and tying rope to them, but it seems a useful thing to be able to do. Survivorman does it all the time. He also distills his own urine.
“We need weapons,” Karen said. I didn’t point out that the axe/maul makes one mean looking weapon, but I guess it wouldn’t stand up to a real firearm. “If things go to hell, do you suppose people invade big houses first, or trailers?”
We have a big house and our primary possessions are books. In the post-apocalyptic world, if you need reading material, invade our house.
Someone, one of my readers, I think, once recommended a shotgun. There is (my reader wrote) no better deterrent than the sound of a shotgun getting cocked. Shotguns have visceral appeal: point and shoot, little or no aiming necessary. Shotguns are not a surgeon’s weapon.
I need to buy another five gallons of water, dried food to last several days, and a radio. But what kind of radio? A two-way radio, I think, something primitive, something that won’t be destroyed by the electromagnetic pulse. A two-way radio so that I can call for help when my zombified neighbors start breaking down my doors and I have run out of shotgun cartridges.
And I need Cipro, for the anthrax attack.
Then I’ll be safe.
D.
You’ll be safe until you slip and fall in the shower, that is 😉
Or, you have could googled “earthquake supplies” and bought it all in one place 😉 Seriously, though? We bought our stuff from these guys. Among other things, they sell cases of sealed water pouches that have a 5-year shelf life…
Good luck finding an EMP-resistant radio – without spending military levels of $$, you’re talking tubes. Check out Soviet surplus radios, I suppose. Er. Not that I spend any time worrying about zombie attacks or anything like that.
Do you have a Faraday cage? It may or may not, depending on the source, protect against EMPs.
Iodine tablets?
A safe room?
Don’t forget, in the post-apocalyptic world, books get burned for heat or used for toilet paper, so I’d put some barrier in the library, or build a hidden room.
Of course, if you want to get real fancy, you can get an underground shelter with a NBC filtration system. Has a single entrance, which makes it more easily defensible.
Don’t forget a portable toilet. Good for camping or the apocalypse.
And, get one of those radios that runs on batteries, solar or hand-crank. Wrap it in a non-conducting material and seal it tight. Wrap that in aluminum foil, tightly with no gaps, for a make-shift Faraday cage.
Don’t forget a flashlight, preferably LED for longer life and battery efficiency. And, batteries! Rechargeable, plus a solar charging unit.
Can opener. Duct tape.
Might want to get some gold and silver coins, just in case the future alien overlords don’t accept U.S. currency. Cigarettes and gum might be worthwhile to have for trade. Leather goods too. Tools. Repair kits. Repairing things will be big business, because a lot of things you won’t find new anymore after the end comes.
Make sure you also know and have whatever tool you need to turn off the gas to your house (if you have natural gas) because, depending upon the calamity, you might have to turn off the gas.
Geiger counter?
Think about the apocalypse, much?
No, seriously, thanks 😉 It’s all good advice, especially the bit about the solar-powered love doll.
Don’t forget a knife sharpener too, because eventually you may need to sharpen your axe or knife. A grinding wheel would be good. If you can build a flywheel, you can hook it up to that and sharpen your blades without electricity.
Also, some insulation, aluminum cans, glass or plexiglass, dull black spray paint and some PVC pipe so you can build yourself a solar heating unit should the need arise.
Which also means you’ll want a big box, aluminum foil, newspapers and said black paint so you can build yourself a solar oven to cook your food. You could buy one too.
You might want to get an older car too, one that doesn’t have a lot of modern electronics, so that you’ll be able to start it after an EMP attack. Unless you manage to turn your garage into a huge Faraday cage (and dare to pin your hopes that a Faraday cage will protect against an EMP).
Which also means older generators that don’t have fancy electronics either. Perhaps a diesel-powered generator, because you may be able to make your own biodiesel fuel should it become necessary. But a bunch of vegetable oil and a couple other ingredients I can’t remember right now.
Salt! You may need to salt foods for long term storage if you won’t have refrigeration. A food dehydrator may also be a good idea. Look for 12V appliances, so that you can run them off batteries or generators without using as much power as an AC unit would.
Also, zinc (or galvanized iron) and copper sheets/strips. That way, you can make salt water batteries or batteries out of potatoes and other vegetables for powering low energy devices, such as a clock.
You might also want to stock up on vegetable seeds, as you may need to grow your own food.
An motor home might also be a good idea in case you need to relocate.
Radio options link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A21677295
Why not ham radio where you can contact other survivors around the world?
Typical that we’ve not heard of the end of the world here in the UK. Always a season behind the Yanks.
Actually, if you just get yourself a shotgun, you can go and take whatever you need from the poor saps who don’t have shotguns.
True basic emergency supplies? Water, food, warmth. Good sleeping bags, a high-quality water filter (I have one that will remove everything but dissolved contaminants), some freeze-dried food, a camp stove and fuel.
Is it the Apocalypse already? I’d have sworn I set my alarm. I must’ve shut it off while I slept.
Up here in Canadaville, we got about 15cm (or 6″) of snow yesterday. And now it’s -29C. Brrr.
In Cincinnati, a single snowflake falling is the first indication that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! WHITE DEATH! WHITE DEATH!
But, for some reason, the local media doesn’t (yet) seem to be hyping it up as much as usual. Guess the grocery stores haven’t paid their dues to the stations or something.
In the post-apocalyptic world, if you need reading material, invade our house.
I’ll keep you on my list, though the local libraries will be my first hit, naturally.
It was strange here in the Portland area being in the only space with a relative lull from the high winds. The rain still lashed horizontally, obscuring nearly everything once it was dark, and it was weird to think that as bad as it was, it was calm compared to the rest of the state.
I keep meaning to do a search for online vendors of dried food. I wonder if anyone has commissioned a taste test? One could order MREs, for example, but the foulness of an MRE is legendary.
When you’re sitting/sleeping/living a very short distance from a 5-gallon bucket and plastic bags that together comprise your toilet, you may not even notice–or care–about any foulness of MREs.
There’s a lot available at http://survivalacres.com/, but the guy looks like a serious survivalist. Which almost always means that he’s as nutty as his own nutbars.
I’ve found that most Mountain House, Richmoor, and Alpine Aire freeze-dried foods are at least palatable, with the exception of eggs. I have never found a freeze-dried egg dish that wasn’t execrable. If you’re a serious foodie, freeze-dried won’t compare, but they beat the living shit out of starving. In fact they leave starving lying bleeding in a ditch.
I recommend getting a TV that will survive the Apocalypse, say a TV powered by 100 potatoes? And you’re going to want to get a good VCR too and record EVERYTHING. What do you think will be on after the Apocalypse? Teletubbies? CNN? Mythbusters? Bah! All gone! So record all that stuff. Even crap you hate. Record children’s shows for the kids, and record all those news reports saying “EARTH IS HAPPY AND DOING GREAT”.
And, in case the toilet starts spewing snakes, get a chamber pot.
And don’t for the Eden Kit! After the apocalypse is over, just pop one of these! INSTA-EDEN!
Ah, yes, does anyone else know about the GECK (Garden of Eden Creation Kit)? Never did locate one of those em-effers.
By the way, Jake, aren’t you supposed to be reading The Odyssey right about now?
Dean: thanks for the link and the recs on edible freeze-dried food. On my way to check that out.
I keep meaning to do a search for online vendors of dried food.
I’m partial to the Mountain House brand (an Oregon company). You can get their food at places like GI Joe’s and REI.
The company that manufactures MH does the manufacturing for nearly any brand of dried food you can think of (Rice-a-Roni, Top Ramen, strawberries that go into Baskin-Robbins ice cream, Jenny Craig, etc.)
Thanks. I like the idea of a 25-year shelf life. We’re bound to see the end of the world some time in the next 25 years, don’t you think?
2012.
I’ll bite.
Why 2012?
We have to survive at least long enough to see Sealab 2020.
Isn’t 2012 the reboot of the Aztec calendar?
Sorry, Mayan calendar.
Yes, 2012 is the end of the Mayan calendar. I think there is an Egyptian pyramid prophecy timeline that’s supposed to end at or around 2012 as well.
I have a scifi NiP that I had hoped to get published in advance of 2012, but that seems all but wishful thinking now.
On the flip side, we’ve survived the Mother Shipton’s prophecy (1991), the Great Depression of the 1990’s, the millennium and the Earth flipping on its axis and ushering in a new ice age in May of 2005.
How about the pending magnetic field flip? Or the Yellowstone Caldera swelling…?
Or the impending parmigiano reggiano shortage, which will cause the Flying Spaghetti Monster to flee our universe, thus collapsing the space-time continuum.
protected static: If the magnetic field flips, we can hope for a crustal displacement as well, in which case, north would still be north.
Doug: I think the cover of the next issue of TIME declares “Flying Spaghetti Monster is Dead.”
There is a wiki dedicated to Zombie Attack Survival. Thanks to the Internet, we can all be prepared for everything!
Did I miss the closing tag? I thought I had it.
Thanks for closing the tag before your link TOOK OVER THE WORLD! (or at least my comment thread).
The zombie wiki looks fun. There really is a wiki for everything, isn’t there?
The zombies stole my original closing tag.
It must have been a particularly brainy tag, then 😉
Oh, my! Scientific proof zombies are real!
A closing tag is definitely present and correct in this comment.
I don’t know…I don’t have that survivor urge anymore. When I was seven I was very upset that our family didn’t have a fallout shelter in their back yard like our neighbors had, but now I’d just as soon go in the first nuclear flash. We’re right near New York so probably our survival would be limited anyway once the radiation got us.
When everyone was so upset about Y2K my half-sister and B-I-L stockpiled their house full of #10 cans of beans and rice and all kinds of stuff. What a waste!
If you’re not at ground zero, a nuclear attack is survivable. Radiation isn’t good, of course, but it does weaken over time and shelters can be built to guard against the radiation. Plus you can have the additional protection of iodine tablets. A larger problem would be fallout contamination. You don’t want to get that stuff on you, but it can be washed off cans and if the soil is covered with plastic sheeting or some other kind of protection, you can keep the fallout dust from contaminating the soil so you can still plant a garden for food.