Some guys are so picky

Given a healthy dose of luck, I should have a Cosmo Thirteen for you this week; but as I worked my way through the November issue, one article caught my attention — one so special, I knew I would never be able to do it justice within the narrow confines of a Thirteen.

What Not to Do in Bed

Most guys aren’t going to tell you to your face that one of your mattress moves isn’t hitting the mark . . . but they’ll tell us! Read carefully as dudes confess the techniques that left them less than enthralled.

By Daniel Kraus

I know a certain 19-year-old boy who is getting well and truly and regularly laid. Recently, I told him, in absolute seriousness, never ever to take a steady supply of sex for granted. With that advice in mind, let me lambaste the sensitive morons of Cosmo who would have women believe there is anything they shouldn’t do in bed.

The Nutcracker

“I was dating this chick, and one night while I was brushing my teeth, she reached out and crunched my nuts hard. I don’t know what maniacal sex tips she’d been reading, but it hurt! A gentle squeeze is good; squashing the sack with a kung-fu grip, bad.”

–Meyer, 21

Meyer, enthusiasm is a rare commodity. Cherish it, nurture it, but above all praise it. Maybe when you’re eighty, you’ll be pulling chicks into bed like Hugh Hefner, but the odds are against it. Poor, old Meyer. You’ll be looking down at your shriveled nut sack, longing for the bygone days when a woman seized it with full-throated gusto. The exquisite pain you whine about now will seem like the sweetest of memories, every bit as precious as the Cal-Stanford Big Play. And you’ll be beating yourself over the head with your walker, wondering what other expressions of lust she might have sprung on you, had you not thrown her over for squeezing your wee nads a little too hard.

The Clinician

“Dirty talk is a delicate art, and some words don’t have that magic. I briefly went out with a girl who talked like she had just graduated from gynecological school. ‘I want your penis inside my vagina,’ she’d moan. And that sounded downright sexy next to her use of icy cold terms like testicles and clitoris!”

— Roy, 25

Roy is an even bigger twit than Meyer. How tough is it to say, afterwards, “That was the best ever. You know what I’ve always wanted, though? A woman who would talk dirty to me . . . using the dirtiest words possible. Could you do that for me?”

There. The criticism (if any) has been couched in praise. But this can be done with even more panache: tell her what you like about her body; admit you’re not a great lover, but you really want to know what turns her on so you can do a better job pleasing her; ideally, get HER to ask you what you’d like next time. Then spring the “talk dirty to me” line. I mean, geez. I could do this in my sleep. I’m wondering if Roy did do this in his sleep — his brain was clearly not engaged.

People, I’m telling you, some of these guys are so sensitive, their dicks register earthquakes in nearby countries.

Paul, age 26: “Beware the MP3 player!” (Right away, you know this guy needs a good bitch-slapping.) “My girl set it to shuffle and then gave me the signal she was feeling frisky. No problem: Barry White got me worked up into a frenzy, the Rolling Stones had the passion building . . . and then right as we were about to have sex, the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse theme song kicked it.”

I LOVE THAT SONG. If I were still in the love trenches and my gal played that for me, I’d be all “Daaayum, I’m your bitch now, you tell me what to do and I’m doing it!”

(Oh. Wait. I forgot. I’m that way all the time anyway.)

This next guy has a promising future ahead of him . . .

“While I was in the tropics, a girl across the bar was clearly trying to seduce me. First, she rubbed a cherry over her lips — cliché but whatever. I was willing to go along. But then she took her turquoise-colored drink and, on the way to her mouth, ‘accidentally’ spilled it on her skimpy white top. It was supposed to be sexy in a wet tee-shirt kind of way, but all I could think was ‘What a mess!'”

–Mike, 23

. . . saving all his urine in empty jam jars.

Do any of these stories contain a legitimate deal-breaker? The woman who fakes orgasm and does a piss-poor job of it might depress some guys, but I would look upon her as a challenge. She has issues. I like a woman with issues. What about the woman who nearly breaks her guy’s nose with her pubic bone? Change positions during oral sex, but for the love of God STAY with this woman. Energy like that is hard to come by. Aggression — scratches, rug-burns, rough reverse cowgirl — can be harnessed.

Honestly, in that whole article, I found only one bona fide turn-off.

The Girl Scout

“I love it when a girl has protection, because it means that I don’t have to worry about running out to buy condoms in the middle of the night. BUt one night, this woman I went home with whipped out an industrial-size box of condoms, already opened, with many missing (aka used). It made me wonder just how many guys had passed through that same bed.”

–Brant, 27

Brant has a point. This is not an appealing mental picture.

More to the point, while I might not mind being a notch on some woman’s belt, I doubt she would make good relationship material.

So: what are your deal-breakers? ‘Fess up. I worked hard writing this post. Least you can do is post an ill-considered comment or two.

D.