Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The Lazy Thirteen
Dig the frog. This fella took a perch right next to my front door.
Sometimes work sucks the life out of me. When that happens on a Wednesday/Thursday, there’s nothing for it but to write a dead easy thirteen.
From Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord (I told you this was a lazy Thirteen):
1. #4: Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
2. #7: When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
3. #21: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
4. #26: No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
5. #48: I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
6. #59: I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
7. #65: If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
8. #73: I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
9. #81: If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
10. #83: If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
11. #87: My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
12. #99: Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
and my favorite,
13. #98: If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Meh. Sorry for the lack of new material. If you’re rarin’ for lurve, I’m still here.
Dan longs for the days of Babylon 5
(me, I’m still pining for the chick with two bellybuttons)
Da Nator on orgies, Divine, and significant stick figures
Corn Dog’s gettin’ her geek on
D.
#12/99 is more than a wee bit outdated now. USB and Flash drives can hold gigabytes of stuff. Floppies? Do computers even come with floppy drives anymore?
Picky, picky! It’s the concept, man, the concept!
Evil Overlords are good with concepts. It’s the execution that gets them in trouble!
BTW, the “chick with two belly buttons” was in Genesis II, not Earth II.
By God, you’re good!
And if you must insist on putting the hero to death by a method that involves lengthy suspense – like being tied to a conveyer belt heading toward a stamping machine, stay to watch. Don’t POQ and trust the technology to finish the job!
See, there you are over-complicating things again. To be an evil overlord, all you need to do is get the Supreme Court to hand you an unearned election.
oooo, snap! Da Nator Wins.
Damn. Now I’m all depressed about real evil overlords. I did a TT about The Police.
Carrie, if you had done a TT on the Thought Police, then we all would have been on the same page!
Ugly morning ahead, folks. Let’s see how fast I can produce some linky lurve.
My personal favourite is:
“One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.”
We witnessed this in action while watching Return of the King with Monkeyboy, who was only 4 at the time (but he’s a bright child). When the Witch King of Whatzit announced, in chilling tones, “No man can kill me!”, Wee Lad turned to us and said “So is the princess going to kill him?”
Tolkien obviously didn’t have a 5-year-old advisor.
I dig that little froggie.