Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Sauna come-ons I can handle
It’s all these pokes, vampire bites, pirate invitations, zombie attacks, and naughty gifts I can’t manage. Facebook is stressing me out.
First, the sauna story. It’s not much of a story. In fact, if you don’t know my brother-in-law, I doubt it’s any kind of story at all. Well, here, try this: conjure in your mind the most macho homophobe you know. Good. Keep that image in sharp focus.
Karen’s brother managed the Y nearest my med school. Back then, I wasn’t much for exercise. I would go maybe once a week during an “active” phase, ignore the gym for months at a time, faithfully pay my membership dues — what a waste. When I did haul my flabby ass to the Y, I liked to lounge around in the sauna. I figured the heat would get my heart rate up into that critical target zone. Twenty minutes of that and my work was done.
One evening, I became aware of funny noises emanating from the only other person in the sauna. Slippery noises. Pud-pounding noises. As I left, I took note of a towel around the man’s waist and what appeared to be a busy hand.
Was this a come-on? Who knows. I was a little uncomfortable (although, unlike Tucker Carlson, I didn’t bring any of my med school buddies back with me to rough the guy up), so I left. No, the funny part came when I told my brother-in-law. He managed the joint, so I figured he would want to know so that he could tell the janitors to do some extra cleaning.
Okay, I’m lying. I knew he would have a fit and I was eager to see him unravel.
He wanted a physical description of the guy. Was he tall? Short? Old? Young? What color was his hair?
Sorry, man. I wasn’t looking that close.
Come on, I’m telling you, this is important. Everyone signs in. If you can think of any identifying information, we can figure out who it was . . .
On and on, way past the point of funny. I never could give him any info besides, “I’m pretty sure it was a guy.” I suspect the not-knowing drove him mad. Not long after, he began managing a different local Y.
Anyway, about Facebook. What is all this stuff? Every time I show up, there’s a half dozen new invitations. SxKitten and Dean keep biting me. Can’t they bite each other? And they want me to be a pirate, too, them and Da Nator and Cap’n Dyke; and people keep poking me! I get bombed and super-poked. People want me to be honest with them.
The only thing that sounds vaguely interesting: Shaina sent me a naughty gift, but to find out what it is, I have to add Naughty Gifts to my Facebook applications. And to do that, I have to send five naughty gifts to my friends.
Fine. Done. But now I get an error message telling me sorry, Facebook fucks up sometimes, hey, it happens. We’ll let our admin know sometime real soon, ‘kay? So did my friends get their naughty gifts, or not? And why can’t I customize the naughty gifts? WHAT’S THE DAMN POINT IF WE’RE GIVING EACH OTHER THE SAME NAUGHTY GIFTS?
I’m too Type A for Facebook.
D.
…no one ever asked me to become a pirate *sniffle*
But I don’t like it. I think it’s a wee fad most folks will get over rather quickly. And I think the owner is a complete freakin’ idiot for not taking the $1.6 billion offer made by Yahoo – that would be quite an achievement for a 22 year old Harvard drop out. Except, like I said, he must be an idiot.
You make me fear saunas…
Yes, he probably is an idiot.
I’m just playing with it lately – it’s something of a phase, I’m sure. I keep bombing you to get coins for the pirate game, so no worries. I’m sure within a few days I’ll be completely bored and back to checking facebook… never.
P.S.: “pud”. ew.
P.P.S.: I tried to comment on your last post multiple times, but your comments interface wouldn’t let me.
Facebook? Where do you get the time for this stuff, Doug? Do you sleep at all? Sheesh.
I usually just ignore most Facebook invitations. Nobody’s feelings seem overly hurt by it. As for all the pokes — Firefox + Greasemonkey + Autopoke = crazy delicious.
(Greasemonkey is a plugin for Firefox that allows you to create or install various little mini-scripts which run on certain pages. Autopoke is what it sounds like — a script that automatically returns any pokes you’ve received.)
im sorry. facebook’s a poo. i TRY to resist all the new applications, but i HAD to see what my friend sent me, and then of course i HAD to send gifts to people…i sent you blue balls. which is a picture of two blue balls. hehe. i sent things to dean and sxK too. it was fun.
oh, and similar to pat J, i have a toolbar that i added to firefox that lets me know the instant i get poked or wall-messaged or friend-added or anything. wish i was computer savvy enough to do autopoke though…
Lyvvie, just hang out in the all-women saunas. Guys are icky anyway.
DN, I’m not sure why the comment thingy effed up. I’ll check later.
Darla, that’s one of the things I object to about facebook. It’s a potential time-sink. I don’t think the “fun” is equal to the time invested.
Pat, I’m having a hard time understanding how anything about facebook can be described as crazy delicious.
Shaina, thanks for the blue balls. I already have quite the collection 🙂
We bite because we care.
Test
An anonymous message! You’re making me hot. And I love tests.
“handle.” Heh.
Did you know there’s a men’s jack-off club in Seattle? I read the Stranger online for Mistress Matisse’s articles and there’re always links to the club. I figure it’s a good idea to get those guys together so they won’t be playing Let’s Jack Off Togethah in their local sauna or airport men’s room.
So why do you think everyone’s so down on Craig and didn’t hound Vitter? Both broke the law.
BTW, I did a TT. You’ll have to do a FF.
this video, lifted from ferfe, is the best ever.
if a business meeting was run like a blog. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771556
I haven’t really been able to get into Facebook. I invested waaaaay too much time figuring out MySpace and just don’t have time to invest on a new social networking site. I am finally at comfortable place with MySpace where I spend maybe 10 to 15 minutes a day over there instead of indulging in the enormous timesuck it used to be. However, it has been a long time since I gave a guy a set of blue balls. Sounds like fun. I may have to check Facebook out again, lol.
Brownie points to Kate for detecting my sneaky “handle” pun 🙂
Vitter (A) came clean (heh) to the GOP leadership before the story broke, so they had a chance to handle the spin and weren’t blindsided, as they were with Craig; (B) had a heterosexual dalliance. Remember the old saying about killing a political career: don’t get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. Vitter + Live Girl = business as usual, and Vitter’s poo-poo antics were never confirmed, to my knowledge, so that angle didn’t hit the media. Diaper Boy’s political career lives on.
I’ll check the vid a little later, after Karen wakes up.
KariBelle, don’t even get me started on MySpace. It makes me feel OLD because I can’t understand why people would invest so much effort in a crappy interface when even Blogger works better (in my hands, anyway).