Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
I am not gay.
Sen. Larry Craig, who in May told the Idaho Statesman he had never engaged in homosexual acts, was arrested less than a month later by an undercover police officer who said Craig made a sexual advance toward him in an airport men’s room. — IdahoStatesman.com
I have nothing but sympathy for the Republican senator from Idaho. The man devoted his entire professional life to defending and promoting solid Family Values by voting to impeach President Clinton (after all — Clinton was a nasty, bad, naughty boy), opposing a woman’s right to choose at every turn (0% rating by NARAL — such a badge of honor), and most of all, working diligently to scuttle any bill which might promote gay rights. Yes, you have to respect a man with such a wide stance on the issues.
And what does he get in return for decades of public service? He gets the shaft, that’s what, courtesy of the International Gay Conspiracy! This whole situation really blows.
I feel for this man, though, because I, too, am not gay.
True, I was seen holding hands with Arnie Whitlock in second grade, but there’s a good explanation for that. At lunch, Arnie scrounged French fries from the cafeteria floor, and after school, he always wore his jacket in such an amusingly jaunty way. Understandably, I mistook him for a Parisian. I had heard that young men in France showed their friendship by hand-holding, so I was eager to make him feel comfortable here in the US of A. (Oh, that reminds me. USA! USA! USA!) This sense of brotherhood also motivated me to help Arnie find the boy’s room whenever he had to do Number One.
Like Senator Craig, I, too, have been mistaken as a stalker of gay male patrons in a major department store. But the man had such a funny tee-shirt on (I’m With Stupid — hah! And he wasn’t even with anyone!), I had to ask him where he bought it, how much it cost. I kept trying to catch up with him and he kept evading me. The only way I could corner him was to follow him into that bathroom stall. I managed to say, “How much –” before he began screaming for security.
And of course, no one understood.
But the Tallahassee bust was so unfair. That truck stop restroom was crowded. Standing room only! And is it my fault I have a shy bladder? My lawyer certainly didn’t think so, and the jury agreed with him. So, yes, I went into a stall to void my bladder, and the toilet was filthy. I wasn’t getting anywhere near that thing. Fortunately, there was a conveniently sized hole in the partition between stalls, and I could see a clear shot into the next toilet. Not only that, but written in black marking pen above the hole were the words, “For Instant Relief, Stick Cock in Here.” (Believe me, I didn’t need a hand-engraved invitation.) My bad luck there was a highway patrolman on the other side.
But welcome to my life. The police always seem to show up at the most inopportune moments . . . like the time I mistook that fellow in Central Park for the hot dog vendor. I told him I liked his sausage and wanted to buy a Cleveland Steamer. Isn’t that what they’re called? You know, all plump and hot and smothered in mustard. Anyway, I wasn’t sure why I had to lay down on the ground for it, or why he pulled his pants down and squatted atop my chest, but fortunately one of New York City’s finest broke it up before I could find out. And you know what? They arrested us both, even though I wasn’t the one who had exposed myself.
Damn it, I’m still hungry for that hot dog.
But that doesn’t mean I’m gay.
D.
/snark
I always worry a little about writing this sort of satire. Will I offend my gay readers? Does a writer have to be gay to poke fun at this guy? Because, you know, I’m not. Gay.
No, seriously.
I just wish I was in the stall next to Larry Craig… instead of getting in trouble he would have had a good time!
What’s wrong with the gay men of Boise?! I think they need to shout their outrage…the Senator called them icky and not worthy of his hetero seed!
Doug, your satire makes me a bit sad. I’m not gay myself (!) though I have a close family member who is. I have no experience whatever of the male “gay scene”, and all I know is what I read. And what I most often read about is a stereotypical gay male who hangs around in public toilets and is willing to have “relations” with anybody who’s up for it. And it would seem that this culture actually exists. Certainly the local toilet graffiti and the number of local and overseas celebrities who’ve been caught out trolling for casual gay sex seems to indicate that it does.
And that’s what makes me sad, though I’m not quite sure why.
This is a good piece of writing. We talk about what crosses the line in satire when I do this unit with my Honors kids. I don’t think this piece crosses the line. Can I say “piece”?
Microsoar – I know. It’s weird! What happened to the good old days of the highway pull over zone? Public toilets are really the domain of the heroin junkie, not the casual gay encounter. They’re just messing up the socio-stereotyping we all rely on for grounding.
*giggles*
Karl: check out his voting record before you step up to the plate 🙂
Lyvvie, I suspect the homophobia in Idaho must be thick and furious. The man has been in public office for 27 years, I think? And that whole time, he’s been reelected because he’s such a staunch homophobe. (Oh, sure, it’s more complicated than that . . . he’s antichoice, anti-stem cell, pro death penalty, etc. etc.) So he HAS to pull the “I am not gay” shtick if he thinks he has any chance of surviving this. He can’t survive this, though; I heard on MSNBC last night that he allowed this thing to surprise the Senate Republican leadership. They’re busy throwing him under the train.
microsoar, from what I know/what I’ve heard, the bathroom-trolling community is hardly representative of the gay communtiy at large. My guess is, most of the guys who do this aren’t doing it out of desperation. They’re doing it out of the excitement of public sex, anonymity, etc.
Sis, you’re welcome to use this piece (!) as exemplary satire in your high school Honors classes. Let me know how you plan on explaining a Cleveland Steamer to them 😉
Hi Carrie. Not sure how to reply to a giggle!
wait til you read Jon Swift. Same vein, more blood. It’s funny. Not to worry bout cha. xo
There’s a great summary of the ‘tearoom trade’ here. It’s a lot less representative of gay culture now than it was, oh, 20 – 25 years ago – but its roots run deep and wide.
As for satire – that’s always touchy. Yes, if you’re ‘of the tribe’ being satirized, you get far more leeway. OTOH, I can’t tell if The Onion’s classic “Why do all these faggots keep sucking my cock?” piece was written by someone who is gay or straight – and *that’s* some damn fine writing.
I’d like to use it, but with all the politically correct stuff I have to be careful about, I don’t know HOW I’d explain a Cleveland Steamer. Suggestions?
Thanks, BG. Swift’s column is certainly more encyclopedic than mine.
ps, thanks. That’s a fascinating letter over at TPM. And here, I found the Onion article you mentioned. FUNNY.
Sis, I think you could ease into the conversation by explaining another Republican senator’s kink — Senator Vitters, diaper boy.
Oh, and this from Wonkette: it’s nice to know that Tucker Carlson is on the job! And here’s a diary at Daily Kos calling for Tucker’s firing — the dude brags about gay bashing, and then he, Abrams, and Scarborough chortle over it. Gaaah.
but how wide is your stance? huh?
Well, I am double-jointed. It comes in handy during these illicit assignations.