Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Your ass deserves the very best
My room at the Lodge came equipped with a Washlet Toto, which sported a warmed and cushioned seat, front and rear bidets. I tried both bidets, but lacked the equipment to appreciate the former. The rear bidet was a revelation. Push a button, and a narrow, warm water jet hits you in the ass. You have to scoot around a bit to get it into the right spot, but the learning curve is shallow. I figured it out the very first time.
A wee knob allows you to control the water pressure, and at max pressure, I’m sure it could handle the toughest jobs. And even if you don’t require the max pressure, go for it anyway and revel in the sparkly clean sensation of an asshole well scrubbed.
Was there a blow dryer? I never did figure that out. Toto’s new product, the shapely Jasmin, features a warm air dryer. And, oh, they’re not called toilet seats anymore. Call ’em docking stations.
The Jasmin comes in Colonial White, Sedona Beige, and White White (it’s white, okay?) and retails for $799.37. A steal, if you ask me.
The Japanese lead the pack in toilet innovation. This next one caused me to burst forth in spontaneous haiku:
Miraculous loo
Monitors your health ev
ery time you go pooyup, i’m not quitting my day job
Look at this thing. Clearly, the Japanese have discovered advanced teleportation technology, because you don’t even have to take off your pants. It also measures blood pressure (shown) and urinary sugar (not shown).
Other Japanese toilets play classical music and sport a nightlight, have “nanotech” surfaces so smooth that toilet-cleaning is a thing of the Flintstonian past, and even electrocute your buttocks to provide a body fat measurement. From that last link comes word of Japanese Toilet Wars:
Unimpressed, engineers from a rival company, Inax,
counterattacked in April with a toilet that glows in the
dark and whirs up its lid after an infrared sensor detects
a human being. When in use, the toilet plays any of six
soundtracks, including chirping birds, rushing water,
tinkling wind chimes, or the strumming of a traditional
Japanese harp.
The Sound Princess emits white noise to mask the natural music of the colon, and there’s even a talking toilet which offers potty-training tots encouraging advice. (COFFEE SPEW WARNING on that video.) Domo arigato!
Seems everyone in the world is ahead of the US in toilet technology — even the UK, where they have a British Toilet Association and a toilet tsar.
As for me, I’m looking hungrily at the Lotus ATS 909, a deluxe model with rear wash, feminine wash, pure stream (colon wash), and massage. Massage! The seat is heated, there’s a built-in dryer, and the unit has a deodorizer, too. The only bell-and-whistle it lacks relative to the Lotus ATS 1000 is the remote control. So I have to ask myself: how much is it worth it to me to be able to surprise Karen with an unexpected pure stream colon wash?
Lotus ATS 909: $599.
Lotus ATS 1000: $649.
Look on Karen’s face when she gets an unexpected hydromassage: Priceless.
On the other hand
Emergency room bills after Karen gets done with me: Probably in the four-figure range.
Dammit, I can’t make up my mind.
D.
Explaining to the ER staff why Karen did so much well-deserved damage to you: extremely embarrassing. (You now she’d take you to your own ER!)
Oh, yeah 🙂
I doubt they’d have much sympathy for me.
This certainly trumps my recent bathroom plumbing post.
btw. American toilets are scary with their high water mark. The first time I saw one I thought it was broken. In Oz, of course, we have the low tide models which flush with extra water from the rim rather than swirling the existing water away and refilling.
The most disconcerting thing about the US/Canadian version is that should your bowels be in excellent form, the supporting nature of the water close to your personal outlet allows for the natural cohesion of the “product” to form stools of astonishing length. Yes, I looked, dammit.
Too much information, probably.
Excellent!
Microsoar, after reading my first paragraph, how can you claim too much information? Here at B&W, there’s no such thing as TMI.
Thanks, O’Brien!
wow, that potty training video…kinda scared me. i understand your warning now! eek.
as for the bidet-toilets…i’m still a little iffy. ‘course, i’ve never really had the opportunity to try one…i’ll reserve judgement.
I dunno…I really like me some bidet.. LOL I’m afraid if I had one though, I’d be breaking off a quick one every time I went to pee. (Well, this month at least!
Thorne, ssshhh! Shaina’s too young to hear about such things!
No. Yuck. Ew.
I don’t want toilets that are smarter than I am.
Oh, but aaaaaaah.
You’ll try anything once, won’t you?
I’ve got one of the these for my house and all I have to say is VERY NICE. We got this bad boy but for wholesale. Still, a lot of money to spend on something to shoot water up your bum. The selling point? How do I diplomatically put this? My missus promised if I got one of these that the Y would be open for dining at all times. Oops! TMI. But how do you say no to that?!