Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
If I told you you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?
When I was a teenager, I imagined married couples would have sex constantly. Nightly at a minimum, perhaps more often, work schedules permitting. Why wouldn’t they? They would have the means, motive, and opportunity. It would require a focused act of willpower to get anything else done.
I excepted my parents from this presumption, of course, and my girlfriend’s parents, too. Impossible to imagine any of them getting nasty. But people in their twenties — wow. Hook up a generator and you could light a metropolis.
At 17, I never imagined fatigue could affect libido (like I would have let a sleepless night slow me down?) Nor did I think illness, worry, or depression would ever factor into the equation. What could you worry/be depressed about if you had a steady supply?
The photo comes from Avenavin.com, a website that markets Avenavin, a “female vitality blend.” I find this photo remarkably expressive, from the pocket pool-playing nitwit in the foreground to the scheming Mrs. Robinson in the background. I can almost hear her saying, “Rrrroooowr!” They need to include a video demonstrating her new, improved pouncing ability. But I can’t help but think her plans are ill-fated. Perhaps it’s his Morrissey-like look of despondency.
I found the Avenavin folks by googling “female libido” (this, after Thorne led me to Feministing‘s piece on a new drug which makes female shrews waggle their bottoms, present their rumps, and eat less food). Avenavin isn’t the appetite-reducing bum-shaking drug, just to be clear; what it is, is a mixture of various herbs ‘n spices. They give an ingredients list, if you’re curious. Anyway, I was taken by some of the testimonials:
It is wonderful, I made the mistake and took it before bed and tried to go to sleep, I had to wake my husband up in the middle of the night, but he didn’t mind. Just wanted to say thank you again! So does my husband!
See, men are ready all the time. It’s the nature of the beast. The only thing that destroys my libido is stomach flu, and even then I wake up with erections. What woman wouldn’t want that same sense of readiness?
Thanks Avenavin, I feel like a sorority girl again. I’ve become more confident, more aggressive and much more sociable since I started taking your product. Incredible sex and I have several orgasms now before climaxing.
Not to stray too far off topic, but am I missing some sort of fine distinction between orgasms and climaxing? Cuz if I am . . . I mean, I’m still trying to wrap my head around female ejaculation.
What I’m attempting to say is this: I still can’t understand why married couples aren’t boinking nightly. Assuming neither partner is in pain or grievously ill, that is, and that both have the skills to make it fun for the other. Sex should trump everything: not just fatigue, worry, and depression, but screaming babies, overdue bills, hangnails, and hangovers.
If we were more bonobo-like, the world would be a better place; but libido apparently defies logic. Which is why I pledge to make tomorrow’s Thirteen about aphrodisiacs. Hopefully, I’ll discover one we can slip into the water supply.
D.
Why?
Four. Children.
That’s why.
Sigh. Sleep wins again.
a friend of mine put it like this:
sex is like filet mignion. it’s good once a week. twice a week is still pretty good. three times a week and you could use some chicken.
most times, life trumps sex
Hmph. Then why do men get erections every time they dream? I agree that life usually trumps sex, but sex should trump everything. This real life thing is for the birds.
I’m with you Doug, I really am!! I’m a right proper little bed bunny myself – it’s the Husband who’s always tired!! You get him told!
But crying babies trump sex – sorry. they’re just far too distracting.
I wonder if in long term relationships, if masturbation becomes the quick fix for sexual frustrations because the lovemaking aspect is too time consuming. We’re a busy busy busy society and a wank can be done in a matter of minutes, discretely. Whereas the passion of lovemaking can take (and should take!) longer. Just look at the markets today for sex toys. It speaks volumes about where the sex is happening and it’s a whole lot of solo.
I don’t believe all of those people buying toys are using them in couple’s sex. If your wife pulled out an eight inch realistic throbber would you find that exciting? I know my Husband wouldn’t. He’d be like “But what’s wrong with mine?!” It’s just not worth the months of ego stroking it would take to repair that kind of emotional damage just for throbber fun.
I’m thinking this should be used as a post at my place instead of in your comments….*grin*
“I have a question. I use Avenavin and I think it’s heaven sent! My husband doesn’t keep up with me though. I like to have sex every day now it seems and he can only produce once or twice a week.” I gave him Avenavin for about a week and it worked. He too is easily aroused when using it. Our question is, can he take it? He said he doesn’t want to start talking like a woman or growing boobs :). Please email us back.” Lea L.
Poor woman, and they never did answer her question! I’m curious myself now how this would affect men seeing as…9) Are there any additional non-sexual benefits?
Yes, many women have reported firming and fuller breasts, reduction of facial hair, thickening of hair and fingernails, less fatigue, weight loss, improved urinary function, decreased hot flashes and cramps during menstrual cycle and many other great health benefits.…the guy has a valid point!
It’s true. Daily sex went the way of Unicorns; a pleasant fantasy, but just not realistic. I’m with you, though. It would be nice. And what is it with the miss-matched couples?? LOL. I always heard about men who wanted it all the time, but when they got it they could never keep up!! I’d settle for 3x a week, but with the GirlyBoi working construction she does come home beat, so Venusday is a sacrament!!
Lyvvie, we actually do use our “toys” together, although every once in awhile I do have to clean out the drawer, check all the batteries and make sure all is in working order, myself. *sigh* It’s a tough job, but somebody has got to do it!!
My laundry and ironing caught up every day.
My kids’ beds made every day, homework done without my nagging every day.
Accounts balanced every day.
Excercise every day.
Time to write every day.
Coming home from work and someone has walked the dog and prepared supper, then washes the dishes every day…
Once that happens, then I’d have time for sex every day.
Doug, you’re always entertaining. Impractical, but entertaining. 😉
Daily sex is a lovely fantasy, but who has time?
Here, a quickie lasts a half hour, and we don’t normally get undressed for anything under an hour. That’s a pretty substantial amount of time to invest on a daily basis.
Then there’s the logistical aspect. This house… well, there’s obviously a reason why Germans aren’t having kids. There’s a little railing in the master bedroom that overlooks the living room. Which means that you can hear everything between the two rooms. I don’t hide the fact that we have sex from the kids, but I don’t particularly want them to listen to it, either.
And the schedules. Ours are offset by 2-3 hours. That is, I get up 2-3 hours earlier than he does, and bedtime is the same. Sure, he could come upstairs early, but I also go to bed before the kids, and there’s the noise issue.
Lunch is good, and we usually manage at least one “lunch date” a week, but he can’t always take 2-hour lunches.
Plus, there’s the anticipation factor. When you know you’re going to get a couple hours of gourmet sex on Friday night, that can keep you happy with self-serve the rest of the week.
It’s obviously a YMMV kinda deal. Given a choice, I’d pick what I’ve got–once or twice a week of really fabulous sex. Which is probably why that’s what our sex life looks like. Now I feel like a controlling bitch. Gee, thanks, Doug.
I believed the same thing growing up, Doug. I’m the flip-side of most assumptions – the men in my life have been less driven than me 🙁
And yes, the bonabo seem to be onto something…
Speaking strictly personally, I have to disagree with the “sex is like filet mignion” quote. Full blown, fantasy-fulfilling sex is like filet mignon. Quickie sex is like grabbing a sandwich because that’s what you have time for. We try to grab a sandwich at least 3 or 4 times a week, usually more. Why? Because it feels good. It gives us (at least) 15 minutes to focus on each other at the end of the day. It’s free entertainment. We sleep better.
And it makes Doug jealous 😉
Which is not to say I don’t enjoy a nice, juicy filet every now and then.
Yes, SxK, you and Dean are what I had in mind when I said, “If we were more bonobo-like.” You apes.
Renee, I know the guy of your dreams is on his way . . . he’s coming down the road . . . he’s at your door . . . and he has an enormous woody.
Yet again, I have to say the comments on this blog are some of the best reading! (I like the blog part lots too! Don’t want Doug feeling left out.)
As far as my corner of the world goes; Yeah I have to agree with MM, only instead of a dog, it’s 6 cats & three litterboxes. Oh, yeah, it’s also holding down a household and 1/2 a pediatric practice….
Yup, I love my readers. I need one of those sidebars that says, “If you’re skipping the comments, you’re missing the best part.”
Thanks, everyone! Time to finish up on my 13.
I shouldn’t be feeling alone! Alright, unless we’re both having time off work it isn’t *every* night, but with four kids, two jobs, and a demented dog, I NEED sex. It relaxes me, takes the day’s worries away, and reminds me I’m not as old as I sometimes feel, in fact bloody hell, without it would life be worth the effort…?
At least in RL I’m not alone, one of my best friends is even more rampant than me ;o)
Oooo, and may I suggest to those women too tired to bother – try watching 300, even thinking about it makes my heart beat faster (and I really shouldn’t have thought about all those bodies at 8 in the morning, good grief now I have to get through the day!!!)
Jesus effing hell. If I took that shit, they’d have to put me in a cage.