The Too Much Information Quiz

Regular readers know: I like to pretend that I have no shame. But is that really true? Surely there are some things even I wouldn’t do. I’ve never given you the full monty, for example, and never will. If it were something to write home about, I might reconsider. But until those “Why Be An Average Guy Any Longer?” pills kick in, you’ll have to live in ignorance.

So I thought: why not devise a test to see whether I lack all shame? and why not share it with my readers? and why not have some fun with it, too?

Here we go. Excuse all the male pronouns, but tonight I have no patience for the he/she business; substitute appropriate pronouns for yourself.

1. Reading Balls and Walnuts one evening, you notice that Walnut has linked to a pornographic video of a woman giving birth to a cell phone. How do you respond?

A. I’m not clicking that link. Walnut has burned me too many times.
B. Damn it, I have to look.
C. Not only do I look, but I drag my hubs over so that he can watch, too.
D. AND the two of us spend the next ninety minutes trying to find links for even more bizarre videos so that I can leave Walnut a suitably nasty comment.
E. Then I realize, damn, I’ve done this much work, I’m putting these links together for tonight’s blog post.

2. You’re dreaming. In this dream, you are in a crowded room full of attractive people — people you wouldn’t mind getting to know better. You realize your arousal is showing and the others are noticing. And now you realize it’s all a dream, and now you can do whatever the hell you want. What do you do?

A. I’m naked? Around a bunch of strangers? I’m running out of here right now.
B. You mean I can do whatever I want? Screw this joint — I’m going to find my worst enemy and kick him in the nads.
C. I’ll find the most attractive person, take him by the hand, and lead him off into a private room.
D. Hell, why stop at one? I’ve always wanted to experience a threesome.
E. I’ll yell, “Come on, y’all, I’m rarin’ to go!”

3. You’ve just had a bowel movement which looks exactly like Snarling Dick Cheney. What now?

A. Would never happen. I always flush without looking.
B. I’d flush it. The world doesn’t need two Snarling Dick Cheneys.
C. I’d holler, “Honey, come look! I just pooped out a Snarling Dick Cheney!”
D. I’d take a picture and post it to my photoblog.
E. I’d take a picture, then fish out the poop and auction it off on eBay.

4. Your high school squeeze (from waaaaay back) reveals he secretly taped the two of you having sex. In a fit of remorse, he hands the tape over to you, saying, “Do what you will with it.” You take it home, watch it, and — damn, you looked great! And no one would ever recognize you! And it’s the hottest bit of vid since that woman gave birth to a cell phone! What do you do now?

A. Destroy the tape. It was fun watching it once, but I have better things to do with my life.
B. I would keep it. You know, for the grandkids.
C. I’d host a private showing with all my best pals. Get ’em all drunk first, of course.
D. I’d show it to my husband. He needs to see how a real man makes love.
E. I’d upload it to YouPorn and leave my phone number under “comments.”

5. After your mother passes away, you find among her effects a diary from the time before you were born. In the diary, she reveals that you are not your father’s child; you are her love child with comedian Jerry Lewis. The man you thought was your dad is still alive — and grieving. What’s your next move?

A. Uh-uh, wouldn’t happen. Mom’s diary is private; I wouldn’t read it.
B. Keep it quiet. I wouldn’t want to hurt Dad.
C. Wait until after Dad dies, then share the knowledge with my closest friends.
D. Contact Jerry Lewis privately and hit him up for cash. That man has deep pockets.
E. Find an agent. Mom’s diary is bestseller material!

SCORING

Total up your points.

A: 0 points
B: 2 points
C: 3 points
D. 4 points
E. 8 points

How shameless are you?

0 – 6 points: Hold out your hands so that Sister Enel Retentive can slap them with her stainless steel ruler. You shouldn’t even be reading Balls and Walnuts.

7 – 14 points: Unbutton that top shirt button. Have a scotch. Smoke a joint. Live, for cryin’ out loud.

15 – 21 points: Dude, yer kewl. I would ask if you’ve done any nekkid blogging lately, but I think I already know the answer.

> 21 points: You haven’t blushed since the Carter Administration, and then it was because you felt embarrassed for his “lusted in my heart” bullshit. You’ve never met a dare you wouldn’t take.

I dare you to do the full monty on your blog!

D.

Walnut, April 25, 2007. Category: Quizi (testi?).

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