Thirteen cures for the common cold

Of course there’s no cure for the common cold. Why not? Biologist Bill Walker reveals our dirty secret:

Well, it’s time to confess: Biologists bought three stuffed mice and two petri dishes in 1974. These are recycled in staged publicity photos in such high-profile popular glossies as Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Cell, and Eur J Gastroenterol Hepatol. Our much-hyped “gene sequencing,” “chromosome imaging,” etc. are all done on Photoshop by companies in Taipei . All the rest of the money goes to yachts, scuba equipment, and private islands in Fiji for all postdocs and research associates. That’s why medical researchers always look so tanned and vigorous.

Since Science (note capital S) can’t come up with a cure for what ails me, let’s consider all the folk remedies of which I might avail myself.

1. Castor oil, a punitive laxative, will cause nausea and crampy diarrhea. You’ll quickly forget those nagging cold symptoms, AND you will no longer be full of sh!t. Sounds like a good deal!

2. Willow bark tea contains salicin, a relative of aspirin. It will take care of your fever and muscle aches and, if you’re a 20th century nurse thrown back in time by spooky Stonehenge-like stones to the 18th century Scottish Highlands, make you look tres wise to the locals . . . or they’ll think you’re a witch. Gotta watch out for them healers.

3. Chicken soup. That it cures the common cold may be an old wive’s tale, but don’t fvck with success. I always assumed chicken soup worked by replacing fluids and electrolytes (and a bit of good nutrition doesn’t hurt, either), but Wikipedia cites a study showing an antiinflammatory effect as well.

4. The herbal cocktail. Echinacea, golden seal, garlic, Astragalus, and chapparal are the biggies. In the link just cited, Michael Tierra writes, “To make your own herbal immune stimulant and cold and flu remedy,combine these herbs in equal amounts and blend approximately four ounces of the combination in a pint of gin or vodka.” Okay, I think we all recognize the active ingredient in this brew.

5. Apple cider vinegar, in case you are one of the Unilluminati, cures just about everything according to the Earth Clinic. According to these folks, “Apple Cider Vinegar, that wonderful old-timers home remedy, cures more ailments than any other folk remedy — we’re convinced!” I’m so glad they’re convinced. They’re so pleased with apple cider vinegar, they go on to report one patient who treated his own chest pain with a “shot” of “ACV” (anyone else here flashing on that cardiac injection scene from Pulp Fiction?), and others who treated their high blood pressure and obesity. Of course, since the pharmaceutical industry can’t make money on “ACV”, they don’t want you to know these inspiring stories oh yatta yatta fvcking yatta.

6. Lemon and honey: does it, as this site claims, “increase body resistance, decrease toxicity and reduce the duration of the illness”? Who knows. It tastes good and it won’t kill you.

7. Let’s get medieval on your ass. Remember Steve Martin’s SNL character, Theodoric of York, the Medieval Barber? Theodoric would end every skit with a contemplative soliloquy wherein he wondered about — aw, hell, just listen:

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly follow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

All of which is my rather longwinded introduction to Shirley’s Wellness Cafe, where urine cures all.

8. Zicam. Does this zinc gluconate nasal spray cure the common cold, or do users run the risk of permanently losing their sense of smell? Or are both things true? I have a patient who swears she lost her sense of smell using Zicam, but that proves nothing. Anosmia (loss of the sense of smell) is an uncommon but well recognized potential sequela of any upper respiratory tract infection. So where does the truth lie? According to Snopes.com, the jury is still out. However: the manufacturers call Zicam a homeopathic remedy, and homeopathy is bunk. ‘Nuff said.

9. Does anal massage cure the common cold? Don’t know, but for weeks I’ve been dying to write a post with those words. Anal massage. Mmmm. Doesn’t that sound good? The inventor, Joseph Kramer, sure seems to think so:

After studying the Anal Massage video teachings, give an external anal massage to a lover or partner. You may also draw from the teachings in Uranus. If possible, also receive a Rosebud massage. Your session should be devoted to external anal massage. If hunger for internal touch arises, honor that desire and then bring the attention back to the sensations and effects of external anal massage.

Before giving the massage, ask your partner for a short history of his/her awareness of his/her ass-whole. Make sure that you connect with your partner by massaging his/her full body before you engage the ass-whole. If you are in a lover relationship with your partner, take the time to talk about your mutual relationship with anal touch.

Ass-whole. Uranus. The man is an effing genius.

Physicians be warned: practicing this new therapy can get you fired in Sweden.

10. Colloidal silver. My elderly patient who hyped colloidal silver nonstop must have finally died . . . perhaps by argyrosis. Nevertheless, a year doesn’t go by without three or four folks swearing by this stuff. No, Americans are not “silver deficient.” No, this stuff does NOT work. Quackwatch has the full scoop.

11. Stick a needle in it. Does acupuncture cure the common cold? I’m not so sure. In this study, the control group received no treatment at all — so the placebo effect might have thrown the results. They needed to do some sham poking of that control group. In any case, the data looked mighty iffy.

12. But Linus Pauling can’t be wrong! Does Vitamin C cure or prevent the common cold? Eh, not so much.

13. The orgasm cure. One of the things I love about the Internet is the ease with which I can test scientific hypotheses. Can sex cure the common cold? I googled “Sex Cure Common Cold” and — you betcha! I was right! From BBC News:

Regular sex could help to ward off colds and flu – but only in moderation.

Psychologists in Pennsylvania have shown that people who have sex once or twice a week get a boost to their immune systems.

Scientists can evaluate how robust our immune systems are by measuring levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA), an antigen found in saliva and mucosal linings.

IgA is the first line of defence against colds and flu. It binds to bacteria that invade the body, and then activates the immune system to destroy them.

Dr Carl Charnetski, of Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, and his colleague Frank Brennan investigated the effect that sex had on IgA levels.

They asked 111 Wilkes undergraduates, aged 16 to 23, how frequently they had had sex over the previous month. They also measured levels of IgA in the volunteers’ saliva.

According to the New Scientist, the results showed that participants who had sex less than once a week had a tiny increase in IgA over those who abstained completely.

Those who had one or two sexual encounters each week had a 30% rise in levels.

But people who had very frequent sex – three times a week or more – had lower IgA levels than the abstainers.

Copy this and send it to your spouses and lovers, people, but be sure to omit that last paragraph.

That’s all, folks! You know how it works: leave me a comment and I’ll give you some linky love.

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thursday thirteen

D.