Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen Things I’d Like to Do in the Kitchen with Rachael Ray
Even now, she shines on me from the back of my box of Original Family Size! Wheat Thins, beckoning me with her girl-next-door smile — tomato-red lips, perfect, white teeth — daring me to join her in some Spinach, Garlic, and Vegetable Dip. Dunk your cracker, Walnut. I’ll lick it clean, and then we’ll nibble it together, just like those two mutts in 101 Dalmatians.
Oh, Rachael, how can I resist?
Games to Play
1. Let’s begin with an old favorite — hide the salami — which has certain flavor advantages over Conceal the Carrot or Carry the Cucumber. Rachael, in case you are fastidious about such things, let me reassure you: mine’s kosher.
2. Stuff the Manicotti. I prefer a creamy mixture of ricotta, parmesan, and assorted spices (salt, pepper, and nutmeg at the very least). I hope Rachael won’t mind bringing along an egg or two.
3. Knead the baguette. With proper technique, it can rise to four or five times its initial volume!
Hold that thought.
Cleanup Projects
4. Scrub out the oven. I prefer to do this work by hand; there’s no substitute for elbow grease. And you know, a properly cleaned oven? You should be able to eat off of it.
5. Revamp the freezer. Wonder what we can do with all those old ice cubes?
6. Varnish the back door. Other chefs would ignore your back door, Rachael, but not me. I’ll lavish so much attention on it, you’ll be able to see your face in it afterwards.
Main Courses
7. Snapper. Some guys might like those Cajun “blackened” recipes, but I prefer my fish raw.
8. Taco salad. I prefer the meat warm and tender, the lettuce finely shaved. Drizzle it with a bit of oil and vinegar and you’re ready to go.
9. Rachael needs beef. But what kind of beef? We’ve already hidden the salami; bologna is too darned similar, and besides, it’s a rather flaccid lunchmeat, don’t you think? Hmm. Tube steak? Too crude. Sausage? NO. We’re not making breakfast. Hot dogs? Maybe. But not just any hot dogs. Rachael deserves the best.
Rachel deserves Top Dog.
Palate cleanser
10. Ginger. After stuffing yourself silly (with food, you filthy swine), how do you wake up the palate? How do you make your mouth crackle with excitement and beg for more? Here’s what you do:
Peel a finger of ginger, as long and fat a finger as you can find. That stuff you read about soaking it in cold water? As O’Brien would say, eff that. Cold water is for wussies. Now insert that bad boy into the jaded, much abused orifice, and let it set there a spell, working its magic. About half an hour should suffice. Now let your partner run his tongue inside to get a good belt of spice.
Ginger is so refreshing.
Desserts
11. Whipped cream makes everything taste better. Everything.
12. Banana splits. But I’m out of bananas! What to do, what to do . . .
13. Creme brulee. Sorry, no double entendres; I just love creme brulee. Especially when consumed by the tablespoonful, as body shots off key anatomic areas. Got the picture?
Shaina (o blogless one!) probably regrets knowing me
SxKitten gives us 13 reasons to have sex. Like I needed more than one?
Pat’s 13 Basslines are still up for all to see
Suisan wants someone to hit her over the head. Really!
In a fit of pique (are there any other kinds of piques?) Kate saws off her wedding ring
D.
*snort*
This sounds like the Doug we all know and Luuuuuurve.
And again, I say — *snort*
I’m also somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I don’t know who the chickie is. (And yes, I’ve been told I live under a rock…)
wow…just wow…
I’ve posted on a not entirely unrelated subject. Must be the weather …
“o blogless one”? thanks doug…
i couldnt do justice to all y’all grownups. i’m just a poor college student, nothing exciting at all…
but maybe i’ll try one of these days. i used to keep a blog, now i just Facebook. hmmm…
Is that a hint for me to get off my butt and post something? Well, not tonight, ’cause it’s bedtime. But we’ll see what transpires tomorrow.
Also: I finally saw Rachael Ray on TV the other day. She sounds like an eight-year-old girl who’s been smoking for ten years.
Naw, Pat, I just put up a link because I don’t think I did links last week. Or did I? Was it the week before that I slacked off? Anyway, I’ve never seen Ms. Ray on TV. I’m merely testing Jim Donohue’s theory that Rachael Ray pictures are the surest path to blog stardom.
Shaina, am I In Your Face(book)? What the heck is a Facebook?
Kris, if Krugy doesn’t arrive soon, you and Rella need to pose with strawberries, a la La Rachael.
Seriously, are those pictures of Rachel Ray or photoshop spectaculars? She posed sucking on a strawberry? Ew.
Coulda been worse.
Coulda been a cherry.
you and Rella need to pose with strawberries, a la La Rachael.
Do you know just how much strawberries COST up here in Northern Canuckland, now that they’re out of season??
I’d have to sell off the Offspring. I mean, seriously.
Oh, and thanks for the linky luuuurve… it occurred to me AFTER I wrote my list that I should have made it into an official TT, but by that point I was too tired to do a do-over.
Rachel Ray recently got married and the big gossip types say the marriage is on the rocks because her new husband visits a professional domme. he likes to get spat upon. No, really. Maybe someone’s making it up, but not me.
Wonder if people with that particular fetish (wonder what it’s called) need pure spit for their jollies or if the spitter can cheat and use water or some other beverage. If they only want saliva, it could get tough for the domme after a while. “Lie back and think about lemons, dear.”
Okay, Kris, stick to bananas.
Kate, eeew. Now, whenever I look at that first photo of Rachael, I think she has a giant loogie on her thigh. Way to spoil things!
no, see, her HUSBAND’S the one with the loogie on his thigh. That’s his thank you to her. (sorry, sorry)
*thinks*
I do do a good banana…
Yes, Kate, I understood the direction of the fetish, but see now I have loogies on the brain, so, um, THANKS.
‘Tis a fine skill, Kris. Hone it.
Mythconceptions? Cool. I loved that book. 🙂
Loved your TT–it’s so… you. (how does one make an eye-rolling smilie?)
‘Tis a fine skill, Kris. Hone it.
I’ve never had a single complaint, thankyewverymuch.
Just haven’t had a chance to practice lately, sadly…
it just occurs to me that RR’s spouse might be in the wrong business (whatever it is)– he should be an ENT. You guys have access to that fun loogie-making material all day long.
By the way, Darla, your TT gave me an idea for tonight’s post. (Rubs hands together with glee.)
Kris, I’d offer to help you keep your skills sharp, but the wife might object.
Kate, you’re right. Thank God I don’t have that fetish. I’d never get anything done.