Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Spineless
If I had known Walnut had become a quivering pile of ichor, I would have packed a draught of NoSnivellus potion. I mean, my word, the indulgent flatulence I see before my eyes! I do not believe I have seen anyone reduced to such spineless inanity . . . save, perhaps, Lucius Malfoy — back in school, when I caught him in the broom closet with black-and-white boudoir photos of Yvonne DeCarlo and a handful of hippogriff oil.
Blathered our dear Walnut, “I’ve written this long post on death, but I don’t know whether to publish or shit-can it –”
I slapped him sharply across the mouth. I find this is the best way to focus his attention.
“Snap out of it, man!” said I. “Did you learn nothing from your brief and largely abysmal time at Hogwarts? Do you lack even the most delicate shred of Slytherin pride?”
In a manner reminiscent of Moaning Myrtle at her most despondent, Walnut wailed, “But what should I do?”
“Fool! Save it as a draft and let your wife read it. The woman has more sense in her little finger than you have in that fat grizzly thing you call a head.”
“But but but then I won’t have a post –”
“I’ll write your post. Satisfied? I’ll be a hack-writer for you, but you must cease this miserable moping at once.”
“You’ll write it? But, what will you write?”
“I have no idea. Perhaps I’ll answer questions about your failure at Hogwarts. Perhaps I’ll — what is it you do when you’re at a loss? — perhaps I’ll share my recipe for batwing and elvenballs soup.”
The floor, as they say, is open.
D.
Dear Professor Snape, would the Batwing and elvenballs soup go well with cheese and herb biscuits? If so here you go
proportional recipe…..
1 cup flour
a little less than 1 tsp baking powder
(some like a little sugar….it is an abomination to be avoided)
3 tbs butter (none of the fake stuff, it doesn’t work as well)
a good dash of salt and black pepper
a handful of grated cheese (extra sharp is best, but use what you like)
about a 1/4 tsp minced garlic
about a tbs of fresh chopped basil and parsley
then mix in enough heavy cream to make a thick, clumpy, batter and spoon into well buttered muffin tins (ideally the biscuits will be a little spiky on top, it makes for lovely crunchy bits)
Bake in a 425 degree oven for about 15 minutes, start checking after 10 though, I’ve never had the same baking time twice. These go well with beef and barley soup, and homemade chicken soup, perahps they’ll compliment batwings and elvenballs too.
I see one potential problem here, Beard. Elvenballs, biscuits . . . too much starch, perhaps.
But Walnut thanks you for the recipe, nonetheless.
did I ever tell you about simple chocolate pudding? I bet I have but it makes a nice change from the more complex potions
2 cups milk
3 tbs cornstarch
3 oz unsweetened chocolate
1 cup sugar
cook and stir and stir and stir and stir
The only tricky part is not getting bored during the stirring and A) taking it off too soon or B) walking away and letting it get scorched.
You can add fun stuff like liquor or vanilla any old time you want. It doesn’t mind; it’s forgiving gloop. . .Once it starts to thicken and boil, let it go another minute. Put in bowls, and put chocolate chips on top.
eat.
um, Sev? you busy Halloween? Want to give that pumpkin juice a miss (has to be repulsive stuff) and go barhopping with me?
My dearest Kate. We’ve never met, so how could you have told me about your chocolate pudding? As for barhopping, you strike me as a most intelligent and perceptive witch, so I would be delighted to get to know you better.
And who are YOU, “Professor” Snape, to malign our dear Walnut so much, hmm? Do you seriously believe that just because you have a title at the beginning of your name that you’re all that? Has it ever gotten you a date? I think not.
Twitching her feline tail,
NoxCat
A potion of Not-Give-A-Fuck-ivness.
1 bottle Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey, Black Bush if you can get it, White Label if you can’t.
That’s it, really. Drink some whiskey. Consider. If you still give a shit what people think, take another drink.
Dearest Professor,
I know that wizards and witches live slightly longer lives than muggles, so I’m assuming the need for health and fitness is important to keep those hearts beating happily. What kinds of exercises do witches and wizards take part in, aside from Quidditch. Are there magic gyms? Are there potions for bigger muscles and fat loss? If so, what excuses are there, or intolerances, for folks who choose to be a bit more portly, like Professor Slughorn. I wonder what you, professor look like under those dark robes.
Yeah, prof, let’s see under those robes. Purely out of intellectual curiosity, you understand. 😉
Noxcat, my dear, I do not lack for female companionship. I need only snarl and toss my lustrous black hair and they flock to me.
Dean, your potion is contraindicated in doctors who are on emergency call. So I am informed by Walnut.
Lyvvie, we have house elves who work our muscles while we sleep. It is a most efficient and pleasurable form of exercise. As for how I look under these robes, voila!.
Ha. I made you look.
Snape, baby — have I missed you!
Of course, I see that wench Kate has jumped all over you before I even have a chance…
Think you could barhop all the way up here to Canuckland? I promise I’ll show you a good time.
*smooches*
ooo, I love skinny men.
Of course I can’t tell if you’re male or female. . .Some way of measuring the pelvis, right?
Okay, you guys, he’s my houseguest. Which means Karen gets first dibs on finding out what’s under his robes.
Can we have a turn when Karen’s finished with him?
But will Karen peek and tell: that is question. And yet no question mark…how’d I manage that?