Balls and Walnuts
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Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part Trois
Balls and Walnuts reads Cosmo so you don’t have to. In this issue:
- How not to get raped by that special guy!
- The secret to gorgeous skin!
- WTF is wrong with 68% of men?!
- Couple fights from hell: get a life, people — I outdid all of these in my first year of marriage!
And much more . . . below the cut.
1. Cosmo’s advice on rape SUCKS.
This really isn’t funny. How do you write an article on rape without mentioning the key fact that 80% of victims are raped by people they know? EIGHTY percent. We’re talking date rape and incest, folks. But what is Cosmo writer Gayle Forman talking about?
As far as who might be the attacker, it’s just as likely to be the guy sitting on the next bar stool as it is to be the unknown perv lurking in a dark alley.
Man, this pisses me off. The intro cites the Natalee Holloway story — hardly representative of the vast majority of rapes. So . . . what is Cosmo’s big advice on how not to be the next Natalee? Don’t get drunk. Don’t hang out with drunk guys. Hang out with someone sober the whole evening, someone who will get you home in one piece. “Don’t Get Distracted by a Hot Dude.”
Not bad advice, but still, a disservice to Cosmo’s female readership. I googled “avoiding rape” and found a wealth of similar advice — advice aimed largely at the topic of stranger rape (TWENTY percent). How do you avoid acquaintance rape? This website struck me as having some sensible advice, but even it posted stranger rape above date rape.
Okay. End rant.
2. Soft & Dri ClearGlide anti-perspirant works even if you have double armpits.
Mmmmm. Double armpits.
3. Johnny Depp was in the original Nightmare on Elm Street.
They have a pic in Cosmo, but I still didn’t believe it. Lo and behold, IMDB confirms it. Nightmare was Depp’s first film credit.
4. Ah, the basis for a long and fruitful marriage: lying to him to snag that proposal.
“After two years together, he was still hemming and hawing about not being ready to get married. So I made up this ex-boyfriend from my past who’d suddenly decided I was The One.” Et cetera.
“I faked a pregnancy scare by skipping the placebos in my birth-control pill pack and going straight into my next month of pills so I’d skip my period” Et cetera.
Wow. This whole article (How Sneaky Women Get Their Way With Men) is full of similar “wisdom.”
5. The new secret to gorgeous skin: semen!
Kidding, kidding. Sorry, folks, but this article was TBR (too boring to read). Don’t they understand that guys read this magazine, too?
6. Christina Aguilera considers this outfit the bravest thing she’s done in her career:
Really? Wearing chaps with your butt hangin’ out is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? I’d have bet on the slutty peroxide dye-job, but what do I know.
7. Couple Fights From Hell: these people need to get a life.
- Jim and his girlfriend had a dueling war, Jim with the TV volume, his girl with the stereo volume. A neighbor called the cops to complain about the noise.
- Ashley got upset with her boyfriend’s messiness so she tossed all his stuff out their third-floor window.
- Rob’s girlfriend stranded him at a gas station three hours from home.
- Ann poured orange juice on her boyfriend’s shirt.
It goes on like that. Jeez, people, you call that hell?
Wimps. I’ll bet every one of you could offer up a better story. (Hint, hint.)
8. Five o’clock shadows are sexy; hyper-manicured goatees are skanky.
I’m growing in my beard big-time. Tres scruffy. Sexy or skanky? I’m looking for guidance, Cosmo!
9. Sexy surprises he’ll love . . .
Most of these are boring (buy him a towel-warmer? Sexy???) It takes a guy to sift the gold from the crap, and I’m just the man for the job. Of all these suggestions, two have merit:
- No panties
- Waxed cooter
I’ll even throw in a third for free: no panties AND a waxed cooter. Hoo-boy, Paris Hilton here I come! (Please, for the love of God, don’t follow that link. If you do, be warned, it’s not work safe, and I refuse to pay your medical bills when you splash your eyes with bleach.)
10. Amidst a sea of schlock, one article deserves kudos.
Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others) by Beth Whiffen
“Men crave sex that’s erotic, but they also want sex that makes them feel deeply bonded,” says Gratch [Alon Gratch, PhD, author of If Love Could Think]. In other words, it’s not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level.
Bit lofty in her prose, but Whiffen’s right. Great sex is da bomb, but feeling loved is better, and feeling loved while having great sex is the best thing of all.
11. Dan, 23, has a lot to learn.
How does he translate his girlfriend’s “Ooooh”?
“She’s pleasantly surprised . . . by how huge my penis is.”
No, Dan. That would be “Ow.”
12. 30 Sex Boosters is a snore.
I pity the Cosmo writers. It must be nearly impossible to come up with dozens of novel sex techniques every single month; the fact they edit everything down to vanilla sex doesn’t help matters, either. Are they afraid to squick people out? Don’t they understand us old folks are looking for things we haven’t already tried a jillion times?
Not that I’ve had sex a jillion times.
Not that I would mind having sex a jillion times.
Ahem.
13. (Drumroll, please) What is the sex fantasy 68% of men have?
68% of men say their favorite sexual fantasy is to play the part of patient, with their girl taking the role of naughty nurse.
My corollary: 94% of those men dropped this as their favorite sexual fantasy when their girlfriends dressed up in nurses’ uniforms and showed them this:
(From Medical Toys.com)
Okay. I admit it. That was just plain naughty.
***
Leave your comment and I’ll link you below.
Dean, I’m sure at least two of those women will let you photograph them in the nude.
Rella’s lifetime to-do list (Rella, you’ll have at least have to visit a beach to have sex on one)
Poor Kukka’s kitty’s sick. Send her some chicken soup!
Erin O’Brien has a post on nudes. Not a thirteen, but if you missed me in the nude last month, here’s your big chance.
M-EL at Ishbadiddle has some mighty fine News of the Weird for us this morning.
Gabriele, I love it when you talk about your pilumae
May needs to protect her rapidly vanishing sanity
Blue Gal has panties (surprise, surprise!) and cheap Venezuelan gas
Michelle still has the crud. Go give her some love.
Tam’s muse is back in the saddle!
Corn Dog lets sleeping dogs lie.
Maureen still won’t go public with her blog! Drat.
D.
Oh, I love it when you read Cosmo, Doug!
Nurse & patient? Yawn. OTOH, I suppose I’m a tad jaded because I’ve actually done that. 😉
My first Thursday Thirteen, on a topic that is dear to me.
#9..Oh my eyes!!! Bleach is just not enough!! Please, how the hell can I get that image out of my mind. Doug, you shouldn’t have done that, now I’ll be scarred for life!!! Ahhhh!
Before I forget, and my eyes totally bug out. I was totally thinking of you today as I visited my ENT. That scope-y thing down the nose is just nasty. 😉
Rella
Liked the topics, loved the commentary! “Lying to Snag the Proposal” made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. As a woman, I can’t stomach this behavior, AND I can’t help but think what a terrible marriage these people will have–constantly wondering if he REALLY wanted to be with you and if he REALLY would have chosen that path (had you not tricked him). Great for the self-esteem, eh?
Great TT! Thanks for the laughs!
Goddamn, Hofffman! After seeing that dildo, I may never leave the house again.
Re: #5, if you’ve never heard “HWC” by Liz Phair it is a catchy tune all about the beneficial effects of semen for the skin. Although it seems from the lyrics that it’s for, um, internal consumption rather than external application.
M E-L: I thought that was clear 😉
Hi Eryn! I didn’t know you lived in fear of butt plugs. I wonder if that phobia has a name . . .
I’m on my way to visit y’all to see who has 13s posted. See ya soon.
Kukka, my SIL did the pregnancy thing, only in the variant to actually not take the pill. The girl that came out of it is cute, but the marriage … well, I think my brother could have found a better woman. I bet she was mostly attracted by his income. 🙁
ROFL.
I think I’m pretty smart. I didn’t click that Paris Hilton link.
And I have one up today, on what I should do to protect what’s left of my sanity.
[…] 2. Doug, Cosmo, and you shouldn’t hit the Paris link (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) […]
Paris Hilton can afford panties, and should. Man, that is one unattractive twat.
I clicked the link! WHEN will I learn NOT to click your links?
Forget my eyes, my soul has been scarred.
M
I agree, BG. She’s a young woman with an 80-year-old cooter.
M, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It’s not the years on the cooter, it’s the mileage. 😉
#3, Yep, Johnny Depp was in it. He was the star’s boyfriend and got sucked into his bed, fighting against Freddy’s grip. Very cool. He was the last of the kids killed, if I remember right, but it’s been a while since I watched the movie.
#8, Definitely scruffy over hyper-manicured goatees. Altho a tidy (but not obsessively trimmed) full chin/cheek beard is yummy, too. I like about an inch of length, personally. Ish. Not too short, ’cause that’s spiky. And not comfy to smooch. 😉
I love beards!
Btw, that’s one scary butt plug!
In fairness to the butt plug website, that is the largest of a series. See, the idea is to work up to the big one.
I’m not sure why. I think it has to do with smuggling medium-sized mammals across the border.
(PETA readers: Kidding! Just kidding! No animals were harmed in the photographing of that butt plug.)
Tam, thanks for the beard advice 🙂
Paris Hilton symbolizes, in one skanky stupid package, about 80% of everything that is wrong with the world.
OOOOH! MAN! You should put your lookie lu warning BEFORE the Paris Hilton link, NOT AFTER! YIKES! I have a MAC G5 and Paris’ nasty came up as big as a Ford Taurus and just as ugly.
In Canada, we can’t even drive with our shoes off.
But that’s not to say that the passenger in Canada can’t have their shoes off, or other things exposed….
Ahem…
Rella
You gotta feel bad for the author of #10 who is happy to have sold her article anywhere, and then has to find it in the middle of all the rest of that dreck. I’m gonna do the same thing with FHM (French men’s magazine attempt – they never fly very long) pretty soon. Nice idea. Sorry I couldn’t actually stop in on Thursday.
Thanks for coming by, Alethea. I don’t feel that bad for the author of #10 — she got her article published in a magazine with hefty readership! So what if she’s surrounded by dreck. Her more intelligent readers will recognize value when they see it.
I finally caved and did a thirteen, too — wherein I ask Doug out on a date.Â
Well, what the hell. It linked, but it never STOPPED linking. Oh well. Doug The Mighty can fix it, I’m sure.
Link fixed, Amelia!