Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen doctor jokes
Bear in mind I’m writing this WEDNESDAY night and I’m tired, and maybe you’ll forgive me for this no-brainer thirteen.
1. The cure for tapeworm. No, I don’t have a lisp, and I don’t know why Stickam saw fit to supply me with one.
3. Here’s an old one you’ve probably heard.
Butch goes to heaven and discovers, much to his chagrin, a horrific line leading up to the Pearly Gates. He waits. And he waits. He wonders, Is this a test? Will I get thrown in Hell if I show any impatience? And he waits longer still.
Suddenly, a man runs forward, jumping the whole line. He’s wearing a white lab coat and holding a little black bag.
Butch asks a passing angel, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” says the angel, “that was God. He likes to play doctor sometimes.”
(Hey, I’m saving the good ones for video.)
4. Rick, a pre-med, had to pass Organic Chemistry to qualify for med school. But when the professor launched into another hour of endless blather on the reactions of carboxylic acids, Rick snapped.
“Professor,” said Rick, “why do I need to know all this crap?”
“To save lives,” said the professor.
“Save lives? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t see the relevance of an Organic Chemistry class to saving lives!”
“It’s highly relevant,” said the professor, “if it keeps morons like you out of medical school.”
5. Chuck’s phone rings. It’s his doctor.
“Chuck, I have some bad news for you and some worse news.”
“Gimme the bad news, doc.”
“You have 24 hours to live.”
“Twenty-four . . . Doc, that’s terrible! What could be worse than that?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
7. ‘Kay, I have to give you at least one inside joke. If you’re outside the biz, this will probably be meaningless to you. Sorry. Also . . . if you’re super-PC, you’ll probably find this one vaguely offensive.
Q: How do you say “fuck you” in Tagalog?
A: “Yes, Doctor! Yes, Doctor!”
8. A man goes to the doctor complaining of headache. He has smashed bananas in his ear canals, peas up his nose, and a cluster of grapes up his ass.
“Doc,” he says, “why am I having these headaches?”
Doc says, “You’re not eating right.”
9. Another inside joke. You have to know surgeons to get this one.
Two vascular surgeons are discussing their morning’s cases.
“What did you do this morning?” asks Dr. Schmidt.
“An abdominal aortic aneurysm repair,” says Dr. Barron. “And, oh, it was awful. Got into some bleeding, couldn’t stop it. The guy bled to death on the table.”
Dr. Schmidt roars, “WHO THE HELL WAS YOUR ANESTHESIOLOGIST?”
See, cuz we blame everyone else for our shortcomings. Get it? Get it?
10. A guy limps into the urgent care center and is greeted by the triage nurse.
“Hello!” she says. “How may I help you?”
“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing. I’d rather discuss it with the doctor.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve heard just about everything,” says the nurse. “Besides, the doctor expects me to take a complete history before he sees you.”
“If you put it that way . . . well, look, it’s like this. I have an erection ALL the time.”
True to her word, she notes down what he has said without blushing. Then she taps her pen against the intake form and says, “Hmm. Well, the doctor is awfully busy this afternoon, but I think I could squeeze you in.”
11. In the ER, the patient clutches his groin, moaning with pain. He gasps, “I have . . . blue balls.”
The ER doc calls out, “GET THE HEAD NURSE — STAT!”
12. Hold it for me.
13. My longtime readers will remember my favorite ENT joke (audio clip — yup, that’s me telling the joke).
Leave your comment below, and I will (shall? who knows!) link you below.
D.
LOL. Cute. Well, except that Stickam hates me… or maybe it just hates T-Online, which wouldn’t surprise me–lots of things hate T-Online.
Mine’s even more of a no-brainer. Happy fall.
I have one.
After enduring HORRIBLE headaches for weeks, a guy goes to the doctor. Doc examines him top to bottom, runs tons of tests, and says that sadly, the problem is that his testicles are too big and heavy, so they’re putting his back out of whack which is pinching nerves, blocking bloodflow, and leading to the headaches.
“What can I do?” the man asks.
“They’ll have to be removed,” the doc says.
The man says he’ll think about it and, desperate, he gets a second opinion. Same answer. The headaches get worse, pounding, knock you to your knees headaches, and, finally after weeks more of torture, the man relents.
After surgery, the headaches are gone but he’s horribly depressed. He’s walking down the street and sees there’s a sale at the mens clothier. Needing a distraction and maybe a little cheering, he goes inside. It’s crowded and there’s only one salesman.
The salesman is a little wizened guy and he hands things to the customers. Even without measuring them – our hero can’t see a single measuring tape anywhere – the clothing fits perfectly. At last, it’s our hero’s turn and the salesman smiles at him.
“What can I help you with?”
“I’m not sure,” our hero admits. “Just need a new look I guess.”
The salesman smiles and trots over to a display of undershorts. “Let’s start with the basics. Boxers or briefs?”
“Um, briefs.”
The salesman pulls a package of 42’s off the shelf, and turns toward the socks.
“Um, I don’t wear 42’s,” the man says.
The salesman turns and frowns, his head tilting. Yes, you do. I’ve been in this business nearly fourty years and I pride myself on properly fitting my customers.”
“No, really,” the man says. “I wear 36’s.”
The salesman takes a step back and squints at his customer. “That’s impossible,” he says. “36’s would put too much pressure on your lower back and give you TERRIBLE headaches!”
🙂
Sorry it was so long.
Oh, that’s awful 😉
I forgot the frog joke! This is a frog blog, and I went and forgot the frog joke.
Of course, everyone but everyone knows the frog joke.
Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him and finds a bullfrog growing out of the guy’s forehead.
“My God!” says the doc. “How long has that been there?”
Frog says, “Ain’t it awful? Started out as a bump on my ass six months ago.”
I love the parkinson’s joke. And Jake in the background, too.
I’ve heard the frog one lots of times, but it still makes me laugh. I’m easily entertained, I guess.
My list up (simple pleasures). I’ve been suffering from lack of imagination for the 13s lately.
http://jmcarr2001.livejournal.com/98892.html
Ha. Very amusing. You’re lucky I didn’t snort coffee out of my nose. (Well, okay, technically I guess we’re both lucky…)
I actually put together a TT this week — and I’m soliciting opinions, too. Check it out!
Shit. I forgot to change my name’s link. Go here instead —
http://www.krisstarr.com
No more coffee for Kris. Bad Kris!
I’m still giggling over #3.