Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen for the short list
Erin O’Brien has a short list which keeps getting longer all the time:
“If Rally Caparas comes here and wants to have sex, it’s pretty much a done deal,” I say to the television, from whence the Weather Channel is broadcasting the Travel Update.
“Ol’ Rally made it to the short list, did he?” says my husband from behind the newspaper. “What if there’s a logistical miscalculation and he comes here when I’m home?”
“You can go for a nice walk,” I say.
One of my older patients likes to call me Dr. Phil just to irritate me. Thus, I get to be Dr. Phil on occasion. (Don’t see the logic in that? Tough noogies, as my sis would say.) When I read Erin’s short list, I thought, “This is a healthy relationship. We should all have short lists. Spouses having lots of imaginary sex with celebrities is good for a marriage.”
With that in mind, here’s my short list.
1. Joan Chen. When did I first notice Joan? Was it on Miami Vice or Wise Guy? Don’t know; but she really took my breath away as Josie Packard on Twin Peaks. She had that way about her, as if she were an emotional wreck who needed nothing more than some good lovin’. And she wasn’t gonna get it from Michael Ontkean. I mean, the guy frenched Harry Hamlin in Making Love. Maybe that’s why Josie Packard always looked so pained. Anyway, Joan’s my age. That means a lot to an old fart.
2. Yôko Shimada. Remember Mariko from Shogun? She played Richard Chamberlain’s love interest . . . which, hot damn, might explain her pained expression, too! I’m beginning to see a theme here.
And now, two from The Forty-Year-Old Virgin:
3. Catharine Keener. Really not my type, but she seemed so lovable in The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.
4. Elizabeth Banks. Really really not my type, but in the movie, she had this explosive, kinky sexuality which, um, didn’t look like acting. I hope.
5. Imagine, if you will, Sean Connery in thigh-high boots, a red diaper, and matching red bandolier, slinging a whopper of a camel toe in that diaper, I might add. Remember that movie? That film provided me my first exposure to the lovely Charlotte Rampling:
Woof. Sixty years old and still hot as an arc light.
Speaking of hot:
6. Rosario Dawson. Two words: Sin City.
But I keep hanging up on her birth year, 1979. That’s the year I graduated high school.
A few years ago, I worked a table for our local high school’s Career Day. I represented my alma mater, Berkeley. A senior came by and chatted me up about Berkeley. She was cute, as I recall, and while I don’t scam on minors I don’t mind talking to them, either, about things other than tonsils and nasal mucus and ear wax. But the little twit had to go and ask me, “So, what year did you graduate Berkeley?”
“1983,” says I, unwittingly.
“1983? Cool! That’s the year I was born.”
You women. You don’t know the effect you have on the male ego. Or else you do, and you’re heartless.
7. Joey Lauren Adams. ‘Kay, she looks a little goofy in some of those IMDB photos, but she was damned hot in Chasing Amy. Did I believe the whole lesbian-falling-for-a-guy thing? Naw. But I could buy Ben Affleck falling head over heels for her. Oh, yeah.
8. What, you think I only go for pretty faces? What about my past protestations of love for Maureen Dowd, Sarah Silverman, or Cintra Wilson? They are easy on the eyes, though. (That’s an image-only link for Dowd, but if you search my blog for Dowd-references, you’ll find a bunch.)
9. Mom, you want to know why I didn’t marry a Jewish girl? Because I never met Sarah Silverman or Natalie Portman, that’s why.
But oy, Natalie, you’re too young for me. At least Sarah and I are within ten years of each other. Doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy a look at your noonies*, though. (Not work safe.)
And here’s another Natalie:
10. Natalie Merchant, of 10,000 Maniacs. Ooh, she’s my age, too. I don’t care much for her style of music but her voice sends me. For a change, I wish she’d belt a few out Grace Slick-style.
11. Ziyi Zhang. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, remember? I have a thing for tiny Asian spitfires. You need only look at who I married.
12. Christiane Amanpour. CNN’s chief international correspondent radiates knowledge, authority, and integrity. What an irresistible combo.
13. Lara Logan. In general, I love reporters — real reporters, not the glorified weather men/women who fill the ranks these days. If Sy Hersh were a gal, he’d make it on the list in a heartbeat, no matter what he looked like. I’m still sizzling over Lara Logan’s no-nonsense Iraq reporting. Helps that she’s a babe, too, and NNDB assures me she’s straight.
Leave a message in the comments, and I’ll give you some cool linky love below.
From Trish: meet Humphrey, the talking dog
Meet Kukka-Maria, AKA Cat Woman!
Technorati tag: thursday thirteen
D.
*Noonies: what my son used to call breasts — but if you clicked the link, you’ve already figured that out.
*Noonies: what my son used to call breasts
My son (still) calls them ‘num’. Or perhaps it is ‘Num’.
Num is a collective noun.
I started out reading this thinking there was no way I could come up with that long of a short list…. I had half a dozen by the time I finished reading, without even thinking about it.
Too late for this week, though.
Mine’s up. Hope it doesn’t affect you the way it did me. 😉
I did the same thing as Darla – started out thinking that I couldn’t come up with 13 … but once I added the mailman to the throng… I needed a cold shower. 🙂
Happy TT!
Mine are up.
PS – We ARE allowed all 13 at once, right?? ;P
My word, trish, a thirteen gang bang? You randy little vixen.
I’ll get you guys linked when I get a (longer) breather between patients.
Darla, I could have gone on, but then it wouldn’t have been the short list.
That certainly explains why you wanted a pic of me when I made a reference to my short, chineseness.
The answer is still no. LOL!
Oh and I don’t have a TT today, you don’t have to bother dropping by. Probably not a good idea since it’s PMS central right now. 😀
Love the short list. Even though I’m a cat, I am also love-starved and slutty, so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to keep mine to 13 tomcats.
I came by way of Thu 13. Laughed at your list–but only at the parts that were funny. Although…Christiane Amanpour? I had to chuckle at that one. Not a traditional “short list” woman! Bravo!
What about Connie Chung?
There was a time (oh, fifteen, twenty years ago) when I would greet her face on TV with a rousing, “CONNIE, BABY!” I think that was pre-Povich, though, or at least I didn’t know about Povich at the time. She doesn’t do it for me like she used to.
If you’re a Charlotte Rampling fan, you must have loved Swimming Pool. I know I did.