Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Monthly Archives: January 2007
Thirteen college memories: sophomore year
Mind-boggling, isn’t it, that I haven’t written a Thirteen for my year in the dorms? Well, not really that mind-boggling. Sophomore year was one of my worst years ever, so I don’t go there without some trepidation.By the way, I’ve added a new category for my Thirteen fans: Thirteen Candles. All Thirteen, All the Time. Revel in it.
Below the cut: thirteen dormie memories. (Here’s a photo of the cast of characters; and if you’re jumping into this out of sequence, here’s the freshman year thirteen.)
While standing on one foot
In the OR today, one of my nurses asked me if I’d celebrated Christmas this year.
“No,” I said, a bit confused, since she knew the next part: “I’m Jewish.”
“Well, some people celebrate Christmas even if they’re not Christian.”
This is true, and I said as much. My wife’s family (Buddhist) always celebrated Christmas, and their Buddhist temple puts up a humongous tree every year. Considering Christmas’s pagan/druidic roots, why not celebrate Christmas? It’s fun. Those trees smell nice, too.
At this point, one of my other OR staff people asked, “So you don’t believe . . . I mean, you must believe in something.”
Walnut, licensed sex therapist
Well, not quite, but closer than you might think.
Recently, I learned (but have not been able to confirm) that in 2007, the American Board of Sleep Medicine will allow physicians to sit for the Boards exam without first doing a 12-month fellowship in sleep medicine. In other words, pass the test and you’re in. If this is the case, and assuming I pass the test, I could do a few things I can’t presently do.
ENT docs have a share in this turf since we treat snoring and obstructive sleep apnea. Sleep medicine also includes treatment of insomnia, a subject near and dear to my heart, and parasomnia, which is the subject of today’s post.
Parasomnia is a catch-all term which includes a variety of inappropriate sleep behaviors: restless leg syndrome, sleepwalking, sleep-talking, sleep-eating, and yes, sleep-screwing, also known as sexsomnia. We’re not talking about porking the mattress in the middle of the night. Every guy does that. (Don’t bother to deny it. You were asleep — how would you know?) No, we’re talking about behavior that can break up families and land you in jail.
Here’s one of the seminal papers (*cough*) in sexsomnia. The linked page includes eleven case reports of sexsomniacs. Yeah, I thought the whole thing was a laugh, too, until I read the reports. It’s one thing to make unwanted advances on your spouse, quite another thing entirely if one of your kids is sleeping in your bed. This is scary stuff.
I have to wonder about the 16-year-old whose mom found him downloading male porn off the internet while asleep, but if you can fix yourself a ham and cheese sandwich while asleep, googling is a piece of cake.
You’ll be glad to hear this is a treatable condition which does not require a full body condom. Some of these folks were treated with clonazepam, some with CPAP (the mask device we use to treat obstructive sleep apnea).
Somehow, I always knew I had a future in sex.
D.
Oh, you who are wise in the ways of spam . . .
As some of you know (those of you who snoop the bottom of the page), I use Spam Karma 2 to gobble my spam. And it does a damned fine job of it, too, with one exception: Nokia Ringtones.
I hate these bastards. Somehow, they’ve outwitted my every attempt at blocking them. Daily, I get anywhere from 1 to 30 trackbacks (trackbacks, not comments) from “Super Blog” expressing insightful sentiments like, “Hey nice site” or “Free mosquito ringtone.” Incidentally, I can’t imagine anything more heinous than a mosquito ringtone.
These trackbacks come in from multiple IP addresses, but they’re all from one URL, “Super Blog.” Since they’re trackbacks and not comments, blocking the URL does nothing. I suppose I could block all trackbacks, but then I wouldn’t have anyway of knowing what y’all are saying about me!
Any bright ideas?
D.
Hopes for the New Year
No resolutions, my friends. I know what I need to do. But there are innumerable things I have no control over, things I would like to see happen in 2007. Here are a few.
1. Please, for the love of God, no more ugly crotch shots from the likes of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears; nor do I want to watch Nicole Richey descend further into her heroin-chic fashion world of anorexic glam.
2. All war criminals and perpetrators of crimes against humanity should be given the Saddam treatment: they should stand trial and be summarily hung by the neck until dead. Gentlemen, you know who you are. The world will breathe a sigh of relief when you’re gone.
3. Katie Holmes should find a loophole in her prenup with Tom Cruise and stick it to him for every penny. Tom should then sink into the obscurity his talentlessness and all-around psychopathology so richly deserves.
4. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should begin demonstrating some true leadership skills — hmm, how about championing the impeachment of Bush and Cheney? — or, failing that, they should clear the field for candidates who will show some backbone. On that same note, I’m hoping Al Gore will announce his candidacy this year. Until he does, my vote is for Edwards.
5. Needless to say, I’d like to see all the troops come home from the Middle East. Colin Powell’s Pottery Barn rule ignores the fact that when glass shatters, you can’t put it back together. You can pay for a new one. When a government emerges from the mess in Iraq, we can (and should) pay reparations.
6. Can we please have one single, solitary year without another Law & Order spinoff? This weekend of CSI/SVU marathons has left me with a vaguely guilty feeling, as if I should expect a call from Vincent D’Onofrio and his goons at any moment. Note to Hollywood: drama can happen outside of New York. Drama can happen outside of a courtroom. Drama does not require murders or gruesome sex crimes. Jeez.
7. I would like to see a new book from Martin Cruz Smith (it’s been two years since Wolves Eat Dogs), and a new movie from Alan Rickman other than the latest Harry Potter flick.
8. And oh, am I ever looking forward to the release of Spore, the PC game event of the decade!
So what are you hoping for?
D.