C for COOKIE!

Probably only funny if you love V for Vendetta as much as I do, but here goes anyway.

D.

Stop talking a moment so that I can SCREAM

Craigslist personals never cease to amuse me. Here’s a woman who knows exactly what she likes (A):

Hi, I am a 36 yr old married white female looking for some extramarital fun. I am very happily married. Not looking for love or a replacement daddy for my children just looking for someone that likes to play and have fun. My ideal playmate is tall 5’11 or more, strong, confident and handsome not to thin usually 200 lbs or more . I am 5 foot 7inches and weigh 175 lbs. I like a man that will text to make me smile when I am lost in the daily duties of being a mother and housewife. That will ask me to go out and meet him for some intimate time and walk away feeling satisfied and pleased and will message or email when the hunger for me returns…hopefully often. I do not like or desire someone that will bash on my husband (he has no inadequacies, trust me Please, I know times are tough for a lot of people but have a way to support yourself and do not live with your parents…you know what I mean (B). I would like a mature man that is somewhat close to my age so that we will have something in common and be able to have a conversation when not busy taking care of each other’s more carnal needs. Someone that can meet in public without worries of someone seeing and that can when the time is right take me home for play or to a hotel. I am not looking to sneak or hide my husband knows and encourages my extra play, so please be single or if married be able to go out in public dancing, drinks extra not just straight to a hotel room. If you can only meet during the daytime that is not okay with me (C). I want to keep this honest so here is the deal (D) my husband enjoys me playing and it’s great to please him and get pleasure at the same time, I have never done this without him there, The ideal situation would be you being comfortable with him there watching sometimes, actually The first time together would have to be with him there, after that hopefully I pleased you enough that you want more and will text me and let me know I am on your mind and want more and we can get together alone in between the times we could also include husband (E).

If this interests you please email and send a pic….please save the dirty pics till after we get to talking honestly if you are hot and make me feel beautiful and touch me the right way your package will be great no matter what the size. Please have read the entire ad and only respond if you are okay with everything in it (F). Also I have always wanted to ride on a motorcycle and never have so if you have a bike that is bonus, does not get you a free pass though. (G)

(A) And she sure as hell doesn’t like commas.
(B) You mean you don’t like deadbeats who live with their parents . . . right?
(C) By now, the Venn Diagram’s intersection measures about one square micron.
(D) Uh oh.
(E) As for what my husband wants — um, we’re not being that honest just yet.
(F) Get many responses, ma’am?
(G) But it has to be a Harley because Hondas are so bourgeoisie, and not one of those tricked out Harleys, either, and it has to have a good muffler, and you had better have a cute helmet for me to wear, too, and not one that will give me hat hair.

D.

Thoughts on watching Season 1, Program 1 of Saturday Night Live

My brother and I discovered Saturday Night Live in its second season. I remember the first skit we saw: Chevy Chase playing a crooner named Peter Lemon Yellow Moodring, who changed color depending on the subject matter of his songs. Weekend Update soon followed, and it didn’t take long to realize that what we were seeing was a whole different animal than Laugh In or The Smothers Brothers or The Carol Burnett Show.

But I missed that first season altogether, and because I’ve been too cheap to buy it on DVD, I still hadn’t seen any of Season One, until tonight, when it occurred to me that I should see if I can stream it from NetFlix.

Yup.

Funny: in the opening credits, the usually flawless Don Pardo screwed up “The Not Ready For Prime Time Players” — the “prime time not ready players,” I think he said.

Interesting indeed to watch the crew feel around for what works and what doesn’t. George Carlin hosted; back then, but hosting then wasn’t like hosting afterward. He did several brief stand-up bits, much of which was too tame (at least by modern standards — yeah, I know I’m being unfair). He introduced the musical guests (Janice Ian and Billy Preston) and looked kind of uncomfortable.

Yes, Sis, Janice Ian sung your least favorite song ever and did a damn fine job of it. Her second song was less memorable. Oh, yeah — not only were there TWO musical guests, but they each got to do two songs. AND we got the Muppets, a couple of other stand-up comics (Andy Kaufman, doing his edgy-but-is-it-funny? Mighty Mouse shtick, and Second City alum Valri Bromfield), and a film by Albert Brooks. Truly a variety show.

Sad that so many of them are gone now: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, and George Carlin. Andy Kaufman (maybe).

As the show rapped up, I kept expecting to hear the opening music to Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert.

Where were you in 1975? (Shaina, don’t answer that.)

D.

A metaphor too far

Who was it who used to publish whiffies — examples of malodorously bad writing? I can’t recall. They were hilarious, those whiffies. Now if you google “whiffies” you get some sort of fried pie maker.

The spoken word won’t qualify as a whiffy, of course, since criminal English escapes all of our lips on a daily basis. But . . . Still . . . There are cases so heinous that they cannot be allowed to pass unnoticed.

On NPR yesterday, from a piece on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s attitude toward military recruitment on the Harvard campus during her tenure as dean, here’s an unnamed person from the Student Veterans Association describing the cold response Kagan received from them when she came to talk:

“It was a tough room,” said one of those present. “She got more pushback than she was used to.”

“I was shocked that the request was made. The vast majority of us thought ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ was stupid,” the person continued. “But … getting us to carry her water on military recruitment through the back door was a bridge too far . . .”

Boo-yah!

D.

Quickie for the teachers

At HuffPo, funniest test answers ever.

Some of ’em are pretty damn funny.

Here’s more of the same.

D.

Saturday evening fare

This made me grin. Still grinning, in fact.

D.

A vision

As much as I love the nudes that Dean posts, something else nails me in the heart with far greater impact: a woman in a white cotton dress walking into the sun. Holding a bag of groceries, too, as it happens, but the groceries aren’t essential. Essential is the nudity that is not nudity, just enough information to let you dream. Still photos would not capture this beauty, because its intrinsic power derives from a body in motion.

Which is probably why I prefer to work out behind a woman exercising on a treadmill or elliptical trainer. Preferably one whose sweats are slipping down, revealing finely furred skin, a tattoo, or if I’m lucky, a pair of dimples or the hint of gluteal cleft. Yes, that’s medicalese for butt crack. I like butt crack. So sue me.

We all have to do what we can to stay motivated.

D.

Black nails Beck on Stewart

This is just so perfect. And to think, used to be I didn’t like Lewis Black. But the man is brilliant.

D.