Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Contests
The 75er Entry Thread
Post your 75-word stories in reply to this post, folks.
Have fun. Try not to bloody each other’s noses . . . we’re all friends here.
D.
*CONTEST* Dean’s and Dan’s Fiction Challenge *CONTEST*
Dean and Dan planted the idea; and then I remembered the 69er and thought, why not do something similar?
So let’s split the difference between 50 and 100 and make it a 75er.
The prize:
. . . a $20 gift certificate to the online gift certificate-giver of your choice. Yes, $75 would be more appropriate. Yes, I’m too cheap right now to offer a $75 prize. Deal with it 😉 Look at it this way: the vast majority of ezines offer a good deal less than $20 as payment for much longer stories. On a per-word basis, you’re doing pretty damn well.
The rules:
* The story has to be EXACTLY 75 words. I’ll be using Microsoft Word to do the word count, and if you’re over or under, I’ll give you a chance to edit.
* We’ll let this one run until interest peters out.
* We’ll judge it by the old Writers BBS system. Once I close for entries, I’ll ask each of you to vote for the first, second, and third place winners NOT including your own entry. You don’t get to vote for yourself, in other words. I’ll ask you to email me with your vote so that we can avoid the whole ugly voting thread scene (you Writers BBS veterans will remember what I mean).
* You have to play to vote.
* Multiple entries are fine. When folks vote, though, they’ll be voting for a story, not for a writer.
*Post your QUESTIONS in response to this announcement. Tomorrow, I’ll post a submissions thread. Save your stories until then. (Because I know some of y’all could whip one out tonight.)
Oh . . . here’s the best I could do for a one-sentence story:
Rick and Tina had fun with their new kitten the night before, although it was hell getting cat fur off Tina’s negligee.
Told you my muse was on holiday . . .
D.
Miscellanea
Dan wins the Ferret Name-Off. Ferret Bueller it is. For his creative talents, Dan wins a $25 gift certificate to PetSmart, whether he wants it or not.
Know what’s cute? Baby ferrets.
As much as I would love to see these little guys firsthand, ferret breeding is not for the amateur. Unfixed female ferrets (jills) stay in heat until they’re bred, and if they’re not bred, they can develop life-threatening health problems. Unfixed male ferrets (hobs) are aggressive and they mark their territory — and themselves — “with a mixture of slimy oils and urine.” Yeah, I’ve know guys like that, too.
***
I have a new review up at The Fix: Hub Magazine issues 51-55. From this collection, there’s one must-read. It’s a poem, “The Real Tooth Fairy.” I loved it. Even my family of poetry-despisers loved it.
***
Speaking of reviews, I’ve dipped my big toe into Jackie Kessler‘s latest, the hopefully named Hotter than Hell. Jackie sent me an ARC a while back and I’ve been remiss. (I’ve been knee-deep in Sara Gran’s Dope and Come Closer . . . wow. Quite a bit different than Jackie’s work, though.) I’m still waiting to see how Jackie handles a full blown (heh) sex scene from the male POV. As I’ve said, oh, somewhere, a realistic sex scene from the male POV would be pretty damned boring. Equal parts yeah, do that, and one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi, and what do you mean, don’t do that? and Good God, how long am I going to have to wait to do this again? and too fast too fast think think babies with kwashiorkor gangrenous toes Tom Cruise on Oprah’s sofa just about any photo of Amy Winehouse Tucker Carlson’s bow tie ooh yeah that’s a good one Tucker Carlson’s bow tie phew! that was a close one.
So um yeah waiting to see how Jackie handles this one.
But oy, Jackie, the cover art? If I were to catch Teh Gay, it wouldn’t be with this Rob Lowe wannabe. Yes, yes, I know you don’t get control over cover art. And I know your publisher doesn’t give a damn about the opinion of your hetero male readers. Just sayin’.
D.
Name that ferret (contest!)
Harmonica, our blond ferret, was getting depressed and neurotic, so we bought him a pal. Help us name him, and if we choose the name you suggest, you’ll win a $25 gift certificate to PetSmart.More below the fold . . .
Winner of last week’s contest is . . .
My third blogiversary approaches: April 9th. How should we celebrate?
That first post was about a short story I had written, “My Troll Lover.” I had forgotten all about it (the story and the post, for that matter). Maybe I ought to spiff up the short story and post it to my sidebar. If I remember correctly, “My Troll Lover” was a real hoot.
D.
Colonic ills and a contest
Added to the list of things I cannot eat: quiche. Too much dairy, I suspect. And would you believe I made the quiche with me in mind, since I made steak for my wife and son, and I can’t eat beef? (Because, um, it does to me what I now discover quiche does to me.)
Sorry, folks, but if I wrote a Thirteen today, it would probably be titled, “Thirteen Cures for Stomach Cramps and Niagara Bowels.” On the upside, today I bought the new Cosmo, so at least y’all have something to look forward to.
Yeah, me too. You women got nothing on me.
Oh. The contest.
Although I’m still pilfering the last contest for book suggestions, I’m always eager to hear about new authors and great books. Here are the rules:
1. In the comments, tell me about one of the last great books you read. No coprolite allowed.
2. It has to be fiction.
3. And it can’t be a book which was named in that last contest.
4. And since I’m feeling cheap, it has to be available at PaperBackSwap.
At random, I’ll choose one commenter as the lucky winner of a $25 gift certificate to the online bookseller of your choice. Yes, that’s less than I forked out for that last contest. I told you I was feeling cheap.
Depending upon how fast the suggestions roll in, we’ll wrap this contest up on Sunday. Have fun!
D.
Next year for sure
Every year when they announce the Bulwer-Lytton winners, I think, Damn. I can do that.
The SF winner for 2007:
What a pity Dave was too young to have seen “2001: A Space Odyssey,” for he might have been able to predict what would happen next, when the ape standing next to the big black slab picked up the tapir bone.
Ann Medlock
Lenah Valley, TAS, Australia
I love it. And the SF Dishonorable Mention is a hoot, too.
D.
P.S. If that link is not enough badness for you, suck up the 2007 Bad Sex Award Winners.
Free fiction! Top notch! Ichiban!
I’ve posted my entry to Microsoar’s Reboot Contest. Dean posted his story a while ago. There you go, folks, two top notch stories, free of charge.
The contest remains open until Midnight on the 31st. Join the crowd!
Live-blogging tonight, 7 PM PST.
D.
I did it!
Yes indeed, I didn’t miss a single day for the month of November.
(Not an accomplishment, you say? Sssshhhhhhh! The NaBloPoMo judges don’t know that.)
The disembodied cat head reminds me of the wife in this story. She’s a patient of mine, you see, and in the old days she used to come to my office wearing, pinned to her sweater, a ferret head. Or perhaps a cat head, but a very small, very ugly cat head. It was all any of us could do to keep from pissing ourselves with laughter. To whomever convinced her to deep-six the ferret-head brooch: thank you.
Still to come: today’s Friday Flickr babe.
D.