Balls and Walnuts
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Thirteen home-grown culinary abominations
Recently, my sister reminded me that my post Thirteen culinary abominations barely touched on our long and frightful familial heritage. Shit peas (#13), that was the only home-grown entry, but with a little brainstorming we came up with several more.
Follow me below the fold for thirteen home-grown culinary abominations.
1. Kitchen Bouquet burgers. An online recipe for Kitchen Bouquet instructs the chef to burn brown sugar in a pot, then add water. Yum — burnt flavor! But the additional instruction, Use a few drops to color and thicken gravies and soups, was lost upon our Dear Mother. Ever the believer in “If a little is good, a lot is better,” she would schmear steaks and burgers with Kitchen Bouquet, then bake or broil them to a crisp.
Reminds me of the little old lady who used to come into Sizzler (where I worked as a dishwasher in high school). She brought her 50-something-year-old son with her, a simple sort of fellow, and she always ordered the same thing for him: “Top Sirloin. And burn it.”
I’m grateful to Sizzler, by the way. They gave us free meals as part of our compensation, so I almost always ate a nice fat slice of rare prime rib. First time I had it, I couldn’t even believe it came from the same animal as my mom’s . . .
2. Shoe-leather steak. Yeah, I’m probably cheating by using this as a separate entry. Worse still, I think I’ve told this story before: how I used to chew up my steak one mouthful at a time, palm the wad, and either excuse myself to the bathroom or pass it down to the dog. Sometimes, I would stick it against the underside of the table. Within minutes the bolus would fall to the floor and the dog would do her duty. Good doggy. Sorry about the awful meat.
3. Brown Bombers, so named for their effect on the colon. Now, don’t get me wrong; made properly, bran muffins are a delight. My dear grandfather, the baker, used to make bran muffins with caramelized pineapple in the center. Amazing stuff. My mother, on the other hand, couldn’t resist adding extras: wheat germ, Brewer’s yeast, molasses. Anything to make them “healthier” — and a whole lot more crapworthy.
4. Guacamole. Quick: name the top two ingredients in guacamole.
If you answered rice and tomato sauce, congratulations! You grew up in my household. Where have you been all these years? Don’t be such a stranger.
5. Noodel kugel. I thought only my mother made brick-density noodle kugel, but then, in college, I ate my friend Stan’s kugel. Sorry, Stan, but when it comes to kugel, no second chances.
I’m told kugel can be a light, airy dish that melts in your mouth, but I don’t believe it. Not for one second.
6. Would you like some soda in your water? God rest her spiteful soul, my grandmother watered down everything. RC Cola, 7-UP, and fruit juices all got the same treatment. Beverage waterboarding, that’s what it was.
7. Go out there and break a tooth. My grandfather’s bakery made lovely, delicious bagels, and rye bread to die for. But they didn’t do everything right.
Take mandlebrot, for example. Think of it as Jewish biscotti. Great for teething infants, deadly for the rest of us, this nosh could double as a concealed weapon. A policeman’s sap, for example.
Papa’s cookies weren’t much better. They looked good, but one bite told you looks weren’t everything. (Looking back on it, I know the problem: they used Crisco for their shortening. Great for texture, lousy for flavor.)
8. Meatloaf. Click on the link. Please.
You know, I really don’t think my mom’s meatloaf was in the Legendary Bad category. It was no worse than anyone else’s ketchup-topped meatloaf. Point is, no one’s meatloaf is good. Not even mine. I gave up trying years ago.
9. Tuna casserole is in much the same category. With apologies to my friends who like their casseroles noodly, Cream o’ mushroom soup creamy, and Corn Flake-crunchy, this stuff still makes me shiver.
But sometimes I wonder. What if I used homemade pasta instead of dried egg noodles, fresh poached tuna instead of canned, Bechamel sauce instead of Cream of Mushroom soup? Toasted bread crumbs instead of Corn Flakes; mushrooms sauteed in butter. . .
No. Don’t even go there.
10. Canteloupe. Musk melon to you Southerners. What could be bad about canteloupe? Well, what if your father couldn’t comprehend your dislike of the melon and insisted, insisted, you finish a big fat slice?
I’m sure I had a number of food allergies as a kid, mostly to fruits and vegetables. It makes my throat itch, I’d whine, but did anyone listen to me? Noooo.
11. My grandfather’s Passover seder wasn’t entirely reprehensible. To this day, I love the taste of matzoh with beet horseradish, or matzoh dipped in saltwater (which I prefer to think of as the tears of all those Egyptian parents crying over the deaths of their firstborn . . . when it comes to Exodus, I can be an iconoclast). But the meat, boiled or baked beyond recognition — was that lamb? Chicken? Mystery meat? Same goes for the vegetables. Pass more of the Orange Vegetable, please.
Yet we rarely focused on the food, so captivating was the psychodrama of that household. You know how Jewish families set out an extra helping for the prophet Elijah? My uncle scarfed it down as a matter of routine, which inevitably provoked a screaming match between him and my grandmother. My grandfather would doggedly work through the service, knitting his brow, trying his best to look stern (he never could pull that off), raising his voice now and then to little effect.
Oh, how I miss those Seders.
12. Vegetables — is it any wonder kids hate them? Boiled, canned, mashed beyond recognition. I never knew what half of them really tasted like until I began cooking for myself. Carrots in particular were a revelation. Boil them for thirty minutes in a bland broth. Compare the results to stir-fried carrots, or carrots caramelized in butter. Oy!
13. Thanksgiving Turkey. The woman who could roast the heart and soul out of a chicken could never manage to thoroughly cook a turkey. Mmm, pink breast meat. In fairness, she made a mean stuffing.
So . . . what are your home-grown abominations?
Leave me a message and I’ll give ya some linky lurve. You know you crave it.
Kate gets all weepy . . . or not. And check out her rant on teen sex. Thank God someone else wants underage kids to go at it like minxes! At least it will keep them from a life of crime. (I’ll refine the links later. Right now I’m getting a server error.)
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Shaina has the right idea about Amazon. As for all this text messaging stuff, I FEEL SO OLD!
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D.
I have to disagree with you on the modern meatloaf, Doug. I was never a fan til Erin tipped me off on meatloaf sandwiches. I made my own meatloaf, then turned it into sandwiches per her instructions, and they were TEH HAWESOMENESS!
I am, however, a tuna casserole virgin, and quite content to remain that way.
Marmite.
oh, but kugel is sooo good. at least my moms is. especially the matzah kugel she makes for passover–full of cinnamon, raisins, and other yummy stuff. mmmmmmmmm now i wants it…i also love mandlebrot and canteloupe. i’ve even MADE mandlebrot from my great-gramma’s recipe and it was yummy. and canteloupe is one of the things i love about my DC–its always good. yep. i’ll let you know if i manage to think of a thirteen…
Regarding number one, the Vietnamese caramelize sugar to turn it into a sauce they use in a lot of their dishes.
Also, casseroles make me shudder. There’s just something wrong about them.
My dad was the head chef of a large, expensive hotel here in Toronto. I’ve inherited his talents and passed them down to my son, who is also studying to be a chef (I don’t do it professionally – stuff I do for fun becomes work if it’s more like.. erm.. work – but friends insist I cook for them – especially my holiday pumpkin pies.). My mom, however, couldn’t cook her way out of a microwave popcorn bag. She made cookies once.. and my dad told her they were the best hockey pucks he’d ever tasted.
Happy TT! 🙂
I’m up.
ok. mine’s up, inspired by recent amazing announcements. you’ll see. twas the easiest TT i’ve done in a while, i think. maybe ever. 🙂
oh, and that convo was on IM, not texts. durrrrr…old man. now go change my linky lurve to be more accurate. hmph.
Mmm… pink breast meat. Oh, you were talking about turkey?
Anyway, Doug: you are wrong about the meatloaf. So very wrong.
But your descriptions of some of your family cooking remind me of stories of my great-grandmother. Apparently, my father had to be literally dragged screaming to her house to eat. Every time, she would serve something so blood-curdlingly awful that the whole family would be sick for days afterwards; every time, she would crow in thick Germna accent, “I’m quite a good cook, if I do say so myself!”
I think a lot changed, food-wise, during and after the 70s (especially if you didn’t live in the South). Fresh vegetables started to be served! It was during this era that I thought I hated fish, having only ever tasted the frozen, breaded variety. When I had my first fresh fish – holy crap!
Hee… I notice I keep commenting on your TTs on days when I don’t have a TT. LOL.
There’s a difference between text messaging and instant messaging? Whaaaat?
DN, I’m with you on the pink breast meat. Under the right circumstances, YUM.
Okay, someone enlighten me on meat loaf. Consider yourselves memed, you meat loaf lovers.
This was hilarious Doug.The first three are my favorites…made me laugh out loud.
I have no memory of that guacamole…hey, we forgot that hamburger and rice concoction made with tomato paste.
The seders…always a hoot…one year, I recall not being able to stop laughing and had to leave the table.
You are right about the mandelbrot.
I forgot about the watered down drinks.
One more grandmotherly dish: Pizza, made with the cheese that comes in the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese box on an English muffin with tomato sauce. Papa would rave about those pizzas.
What a hoot! Meatloaf is “purposed” for next day eating – cold with good mustard. My mother is a great cook but she loves pepper and I do not – and the worst was a pear salad with Miracle Whip or cottage cheese. I’ve forgiven her.
This is my first TT Edition. I hope I’m doing it right. Thanks for some delightful reading.
#7 reminds me of Pratchett’s dwarf bread.
#8: I used to hate meatloaf; now I quite enjoy it. What’s not to like about an honest loaf of ground-up beef? And ketchup.
#10: I’m totally with you. Not allergic; I just think canteloupes are, what’s the word, disgustipating. And my wife insists on trying to make me eat them.
Also: My 13 is up.
IM=aol instant messaging, on the computer
Text messaging/texting=sending messages on the cell phone
oy. seriously doug. welcome to the twenty-first century.
Sis: Ew! I was never subjected to those pizzas. But remember M’s macaroni and cheese with ketchup and hamburger meat?
Maggie: welcome to B&W.
Pat: but I like cantaloupe nowadays. I like most melons. But as a kid, I couldn’t stand ’em. Go figure.
Shaina: I may be old, but I wouldn’t be your age again for all the money in the world.
Well, maybe for all the money in the world. Anyone offering?
Oh, boy, does some of this sound familiar! I do like my mom’s meatloaf, but I can’t make one to save my life.
The damn Kitchen Bouquet was in everything. I mentioned our huge garden in an early TT–you’d think with an abundance of fresh veggies, they’d be good, right? Not so. Boiled to near-unrecognizable consistency, then smothered with cheese sauce.
Heh. I make mini pizzas out of English muffins–but not with those toppings. Ick.
*sigh* One of these days I’ll have to do some food TTs. I just wish I could make a “below the fold” thing on Blogger.
Darla —
You can – it just requires some template hacking…
darnitall. That was a good excuse!
*goes off muttering*
Thanks, though.
[Bows. Exeunt, stage left.]
Homegrown abominations…well I have served up haggis and beef meatballs with pasta before – and no one knew there was haggis in it. They were pissed off at me when I told them though – some folks!! Scoffing at a free meal, tcha! I thought they were good. Also, homemade watermelon ice cream is really yucky. Better to go with artificial flavouring if you can.
I will put my hand up and admit I also do number 6, I dilute all soda and juice, just like your grandmother – but I admit I do it save their little teeth from rotting out of their heads. I just prefer diluted fruit juice; it’s less acidic, less calorific and gives the body more water. It’s only smart Doug!!
Just so you know, I’m not really lactating. Just feels like I am. If I were I may be tempted to create a different kind of “homegrown abomination”. Brings “Blanc Mange” a whole new twist.
AND, isn’t it weird how breast milk tastes like cantaloupe juice? AND breasts are often referred to as “melons”?! Me personally, I don’t like cantaloupes either because they taste like they’ve gone off even when perfectly ripe, or even pre-ripe. Just taste iffy to me.
I could ramble on and on…
I was about 10 or so when I found out that hamburgers weren’t supposed to be crunchy on the outside. (Mom likes things very well done.)
This was a revelation.
OK, no one’s gonna see this comment so late in the game, but when I tried to post the link to Erin’s meatloaf recipe last time, she hadn’t ported the entry to her new blog. You have to try this, Doug. Skip the meatloaf-for-dinner part if you want and go straight to sandwiches – that’s what I did – because they are TEH BOMB! And that’s from someone whoe hated meatloaf as a kid.
http://erin-obrien.blogspot.com/2006/07/how-to-make-great-cold-meatloaf.html