Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen culinary abominations
Today, I shall prove to you that my foodie arrogance knows no bounds.
Image shamelessly scanned from The Gallery of Regrettable Food by James Lileks, a gift I received from La Voluptuous & Demented Michelle.
We may be going to Eureka today, in which case I won’t be able to disseminate (oh how I love that word — Disseminate! Watch out, people, I’m disseminating!) my linky lurve. But feel free to leave links in the comments. Shout out your most recent cool posts in the comments, if you like, or give me your own nominations for worst culinary abominations.
For folks who are clumsy with HTML, here’s how to make a link. Substitute brackets <> for parentheses in the syntax below:
(a xhref=”link URL”)Here’s the link(/a)
Cut and paste the page’s URL into the quotes “link URL”. Yes, you need the quotes, and don’t go adding any spaces around that equals sign!
Thirteen marginally edible horrors below the fold.
1. Bar Mitzah cake. Aaaaah, Crisco and sugar frosting. You may have had it when you were thirteen, but it hasn’t changed a bit in the last thirty years.
2. Cream of mushroom soup. I loved this stuff as a kid. Nowadays, I prefer to think of it as a potent emetic.
3. Egg salad. Food that smells like farts — what a concept. Tuna salad, on the other hand: mmm. That’s good food.
4. Olive Garden pasta. Gummy noodles; sauce from cans. The nation of Italy should declare war upon this restaurant.
5. McDonald’s “shakes”. So milk-free, they’re not even allowed to call them milkshakes.
6. Ketchup-smothered meatloaf. Ketchup is good for burgers and fries. Baked ketchup is an abomination unto the Epicurean Lords.
7. Velveeta. Or, as they called it in National Lampoon’s Doon, “the cheese that would not die.”
8. My mother’s roast chicken. Note to my beta readers: in that dinner scene with Brad’s mom, I didn’t make anything up. Mom’s chicken really is that bad — dry, tasteless meat whose flavorlessness is compensated by tablespoonfuls of paprika.
9. Pancakes with faces. Food should not stare back at you. Food shouldn’t look like anything but food.
Well, there are a few exceptions. (Photo from Rude Food, by David Thorpe.)
10. American instant coffee. We’re coffee snobs here at Chez Walnut. Karen gets 100% Kona beans shipped to us from Hawaii, green beans which we roast here at home. This is to Starbucks what Starbucks is to Maxwell House, so you can imagine what I think of Maxwell House. Included in this Abomination are Swiss Miss flavored instant coffees.
11. Jello and mayonnaise. Jello must be CLEAR, understand? Nothing floats in Jello, certainly not canned fruit salad, nor should Jello transform itself into a pastel nightmare through the magic of mayonnaise. Jello is not a savory item. That is aspic, and aspic does not sport vibrant neon colors.
12. Brussel sprouts. See note to #3, Egg Salad. I’d rather eat slimy okra than Brussel sprouts. But the undisputed king of all crappy vegetables has to be . . .
13. Canned green peas. Remember these? The kind that turned to mush if you so much as sneered at them? Squish peas, we called them when my parents were within earshot; shit peas at all other times. Canned fruits and vegetables are all abominations, but shit peas are the worst of the worst.
Okay, play nice and maybe I’ll scan more images from Rude Food. I can’t believe that book has gone out of print; it’s an effing masterpiece. And imagine my delight when I discovered there was a sequel (but the price! For $75, these people should pose for me in person). Maybe I should write to Ballantine and demand they reissue this.
D.
gah! is it thursday again!
i dunno how you come up with all these ideas, doug. i’m running out. i’ll probably post my TT tomorrow, cuz i’m lame like that (plus i forgot).
0:-D
fresh brussels sprouts cooked in garlic butter and chicken stock are dah bomb!
And you forgot thge utmost comestible disaster – SPAM!
Dude. I present to you my all time favorite recipe from my grandmother’s collection. I keep it at the front of my index card box as a reminder that it is dangerous to get too creative, or to be a slave to a recipe.
Imagine this on a darkened stained index card, written in a spidery hand with brown ink:
Mrs. Tallon’s Jelied Salad
1 pkg lemon jello, dissolved in
1 c. hot and 1 c. cold water.
Remove 1 tbsp from each c. Into this put
2 tbsp. vinegar
1/2 tsp. salt; and a shake of cayenne
When jelly begins to jell, add
2 c. chopped cabbage
1 c. chopped apple
8 stuffed olives, chopped
MMmmmm Hmmmmm!! If you come visit, I promise to make you some! How could you resist?
Well, I’m with you on 1,2,3,5,6 (ketchup-smothered anything, actually, can’t stand the stuff),7, and 13. I haven’t tried 4 or 8, nor do I greatly desire to do so. I have nothing against 9, but I’ll also happily eat crabs and prawns, which also stare back. I don’t particularly like coffee, any coffee, so the flavoured stuff is no less palatable, but I did go through a period in university where I relied heavily on General Foods International coffees to get me through early morning classes. And I love brussel sprouts and my aunt’s lime-jello-and-pear concoction, a holiday family staple.
I love egg salad, but you’re right about the smell. I guess I just add mayo (sorry, “Miracle Whip”) till the smell goes away.
#5: “Krusty Brand Partially Gelatinous Gum-Based Beverage” says it all, baby.
#11: Unless it’s in trifle, where orange slices may be suspended in “strawberry”* Jell-O.
__________
* “Tastes like Red!”
I love canned green peas. To this day, I will open a can and snack out of it with a spoon while standing at the kitchen counter. And okra – can’t get enough of the stuff. I steam it to make it extra slimey.
Meatloaf makes me hurl. I can still see my Mom slathering it with ketsup. I don’t like anything with Mayo except egg salad. There’s a little sandwich shop on Montgomery in downtown San Francisco run by a Dad and son that make fresh egg salad every day. You can order 1/2 sandwich. It is the best.
Jello is nothing but horse hooves. I don’t put that junk in my mouth.
When I was a kid one of my favourite desserts was strawberry jello mashed up and covered in milk that we’d then suck up with a straw. The milk turned all pink and strwaberryish, and sometimes you got a big chunk of jello stuck on the bottom of your straw, It was great fun!
I’ve never heard of jello with mayo though, that’s just gross. I also get squeamish with jellied eels or kippers (called rollmops, which makes them even less appetizing) I do like the pretty pastel jellies, but they should be made with milk and cornflour, not mayo.
Brussels sprouts are evil. The English like mushy peas with their fish-n-chips. I had to look up the word emetic, it’ll be used at least three times today as it a good word that bears repeating.
Doug, I salute you! You’re a credit to the Food Snobs R’ Us.
*g*
Hey, on that note, I think that I’ll try almost anything. Granted, having kids, now I totally can understand my mother’s Jello and Carrot recipe. Anything to shovel vegetables down some kids throats!
I really have to think about what’s inedible to me… I’m not a fan of Brussel Sprouts, but if they are my plate, I HAVE to eat them. It’s that Finnish guilt thing. Works a lot like Italian guilt I’m thinking. It’s taken me a lot of time to a) not put as much food on my plate b) that I CAN leave food on my plate if I’m full.
I’m wondering if the Rude Food would be appetizing. I’m kinda thinking no. I mean, food can be all about the sensuality of textures and flavours, but the Rude Food would just gross me out I think. There is a line…..
Rella
btw… Thursday thirteen of Boxing Day Shopping on my blog.
Okay, so I had to google Rude Food. Just to figure out what kind of things that there are in the world. Culinary-like. Okay, found a bunch of stuff… but I think that the most interesting was the Pepermint Peckers…. maybe the Naughty Bits? I’m sure you’d love the Candy underwear.
http:
//www.prezziesplus
.co.uk/RUDE_FOOD.html
Anyway, leave that with you to do with it what you will. Happy New Year… now I gotta find some mistletoe!
Rella
I don’t know why, but this whole post has had me thinking about an article I read ages ago about Anton Levay and how he used to test a man’s trustability/virility/sexual orientation by what salad dressing he’d order. All I remember is that blue cheese dressing means you’re gay because it smells the least like the vulva, and the whole point was to choose a dressing that was most woman scented. I can’t remember what he thought about Italian though. I can’t find anything on the internet either because I do remember it made me laugh.
Anton Levay in general makes me laugh.
Worked at the Big Apple Circus for a short period of time with Anton’s good friend, Alan Cabal.
Years later I told a childhood friend that I had met a Satanist, and that he was a pretty cool guy as well as hurt-your-sides funny; she practically stopped speaking to me. ::shrug::
I think Alan lives in the Bay Area–my husband was trying to track him down a few months ago to invite him over to dinner. (OK, that could be dangerous to the family reputation, I guess.)
I have to add canned asparagus to the list. How can one vegetable be so different when canned. Asparagus is meant to be steamed but remain firm, slightly crisp. It is perfectly acceptable to eat with your fingers no matter where you are. Canned asparagus is nasty, squishy, soft, and falls apart the minute you touch it. And the taste? That is not a flavor that occurs in nature.
I take it you’re not a cheese fan then. Most of the best cheese stink. Munster, Taleggio, Limburger … especially if you prefer them really ripe. 😀
Now, surströmming is something even I can’t stand to smell, at least not before I had a decent amount of the aquavit that goes with it. 😉
I know what you mean about the smell of egg salad, but with relish and a little mayo mixed in, it’s good. Agree with you totally on the Bar Mitzvah cake, and I can still smell those squish peas. NASTY!!!!!!!
When I was a child in the 50’s, a malt at McDonald’s was actually good.
Remember the tuna casserole? Actually, that was tastier than the roast chicken.
You may not recall this, but Nata used to make some nasty ass stuff called Foot, and it was some kind of yellowy jelly/jello looking STUFF.
That was beautiful. Almost poetic. Wow.
I love fresh peas, frozen peas, snow peas, snap peas… Canned peas are nasty. Balls o green slime, I agree with you there. However, my household would implode without velveeta. I don’t use a lot, but for certain things – like tuna casserole – the hubby gets CRANKY if there’s no velveeta in it. Just doesn’t taste right. I know it’s plasti-cheese, but, dammit, it makes casseroles waaaay yummy. Same thing w/ Cream o’shroom soup. It’s a casserole requirement.
I don’t like liver of any kind (or other organ meat for that matter – Bill made beef heart once and I about hurled) or lima beans. Unless the limas are in something, then I just close my eyes and keep munching. I am, however, a huge broccoli fan, especially cooked broccoli. Mmmmmyummy!
For many, many years, Des Moines was the Jello consumption capital of the world and it’s a rare pot-luck or get-together around here that doesn’t include jello in various forms. I don’t know of anyone who puts mayo or miracle whip in their jello concoctions, most folks use CoolWhip. The bestest tho is Jello Poke Cake. Also Mmmmmyummy!
Btw, I make kick ass egg salad and it doesn’t smell bad, just smells like good egg salad. Brussel Sprouts are okay, I can’t stand coffee of any kind, I use barbecue sauce in my meatloaf, and I’ve never had bar mitzvah cake.
Leave it to midwesterners to be non-snobby foodies. 😉
Yep, most of these are gross. Especially canned peas. I’ve always hated canned peas and canned beets too. My mom always tried to make me eat those awful purple bitter things. Today you will never see canned vegetables in my cabinet except for canned corn once in a while. Good list Doug as usual.
Oh – barf – flavored coffee. I get nauseated just thinking about it.
I cannot eat canned food either – but my worst food memory as a kid are my mother’s tunafish casseroles with potato chips on top. Oh, excuse me, I’m off to find something to take that taste out of my mouth.
bleargh to ’em all.
Marshmallow ambrosia jello. Ugh. only liverwurst is worse.
pimpage time: come enter my “snark the cover” contest.
If you hate jello, you’ll hate this, but I love it. I make it with a pineapple juice gelatin base, rather than sweetened milk (yuk) but it’s delish and if you make it with blue, red, and a little yellow jello (okay! I know! I know!) it looks like stained glass…perfect for church potlucks!
http://www.justjenndesigns.com/crafts/food/brokenglassjello.htm
links still not working from my computer and I followed your directions, Doug. Sigh.
I’m back! And what a can of worms I’ve opened.
Mmmm. Yummy worms.
Susian (and when did you stop being Suisan?): I like my Caesar salad to have whopping huge chunks of anchovy in it. Do I pass? (I like blue cheese dressing, too, so I guess I swing both ways.)
Blue Gal — link looks good. Yum, broken glass jello. That’s almost as good-looking as kitty litterbox cake!
The rest of you: thanks for sharing your culinary nightmares!
[…] But cold and carbonated is bad for aging bones, according to my mother’s GP, so I’m flirting tentatively with the notion of switching to something a little less osteo-inducing. Something vaguely like coffee. But it was Doug’s reflections on the horror that is Swiss Miss flavoured instant coffee that sprang to mind as I wandered the caffeine aisle at the grocery store last night. […]
You’ve inspired me, Doug. And you have only yourself to blame.
oh Doug honey, kitty litter cake was blogged at BG back before she used the first person.
BTW, there’s something fishy about that rude food picture. Has the Captain seen it yet?
SxK, my goal is to be a bad influence to women everywhere.
BG, I couldn’t recall where I first encountered kitty litter cake. So . . . are the tootsie roll poopies tres yummy, or what?
Ahem. Typo.
Not Susian, just Suisan with a bad index finger.
I’m telling ya, I need a secretary.
[…] Thirteen home-grown culinary abominations By Walnut Recently, my sister reminded me that my post Thirteen culinary abominations barely touched on our long and frightful familial heritage. Shit peas (#13), that was the only home-grown entry, but with a little brainstorming we came up with several more. […]