Sign Senator Byrd’s petition

Psssst.

Hey, you Americans. I know y’all have nothing to hide, but do you really want the same people who shoot their friends in the face at point blank range to be listening to your phone conversations?

Sign Senator Byrd’s petition calling for “a nonpartisan, independent commission to investigate and determine the legality of the President’s actions.” Think about it: if the President has nothing to be afraid of, he shouldn’t mind having an independent commission looking into his affairs. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, no?

Please, sign the petition, and go the extra mile to shout it out on your blog.

No politics this evening, I promise.

D.

Lying down, or stepping forward

I pinched this picture of Sproul Plaza from ollin.net. Of his Berkeley experience, the author writes,

I was attracted to the idea of going to U.C. Berkeley for the reputation it has around the world for being politically radical and a place of great intellectual stimulation. That and the fact that I had lived in Los Angeles all of my life. I wanted something new, I wanted to experience less oppressive living conditions than those that I faced while I lived in Watts and commuted to school in the more affluent westside of Los Angeles.

I could have written something similar, except instead of Watts yatta yatta yatta I would have to substitute “my parent’s household.” But, still. Berkeley was “the bird sanctuary,” as my ultra-conservative calculus teacher put it; and if the town had given him the willies, I would be right at home.

And, I was.

I went hunting for a picture of Sproul Plaza because my last post got me thinking about Berkeley in the early 80s. Sad to say, the Young Republicans were the fastest growing group on campus. The student body was swinging to the right, even though the city was (and still is) firmly at the polar left.

True, when Reagan won the election in ’80, people flocked to the streets for candlelight marches. And, true, the threat of a draft followed (or preceded) by an imperialistic invasion of El Salvador or Nicaragua brought us out into Sproul Plaza by the hundreds. But the heyday of UC Berkeley protest had passed. Without the Vietnam War or the draft to galvanize the student body, our activism could and would only go so far. Even Insane Anglo Warlord (a rearrangement of Ronald Wilson Reagan, popular at the time) and the threat of unilateral aggression against Central America couldn’t push us as far as we should have been pushed.

Daniel Ellsberg spoke to us one day in Sproul Plaza, a noontime demonstration in protest of America’s policies towards El Salvador. Towards the end of the protest, he instructed the students to lie down and play dead. I didn’t understand the image at the time, and I still don’t. Did he mean to provide a living illustration of the dead and injured which would follow from a Central American invasion? I don’t know. I laid down with everyone else (peer pressure, what can I say) while the Feds milled around at the edges of the crowd, snapping pictures.

The next day, activist Stoney Burke gathered a crowd (as he usually did, and as he apparently still does. Nice to see that Stoney is still giving ’em hell!) He surprised us by railing against Ellsberg who, as you might imagine, was one of our heroes. But Stoney couldn’t forgive him for having us all lie down. As best I can recall, what he said was: That’s what they want you to do — lie down — and that’s exactly the last thing you should do.

Back then, me and the other guys talked a lot about what we would or wouldn’t do. Should we put in our names for Selective Service? Burn the forms? How public should we be about it?

Should we step forward, or lie down?

I feel like I’ve been lying down most of my life, and I’m sick to death of it.

There’s something swirling in this head of mine, something that feels like activism. Maybe I’m thinking along these lines because I received my copy of Crashing the Gates today, and the more of it I read, the angrier I get. Or maybe I’m still thinking of V.

From Alan Moore’s foreword to V for Vendetta:

Naïveté can also be detected in my supposition that it would take something as melodramatic as a near-miss nuclear conflict to nudge England towards fascism . . . .

It’s 1988 now. Margaret Thatcher is entering her third term of office and talking confidently of an unbroken Conservative leadership well into the next century. My youngest daughter is seven and the tabloid press are circulating the idea of concentration camps for persons with AIDS. The new riot police wear black visors, as do their horses, and their vans have rotating video cameras mounted on top. The government has expressed a desire to eradicate homosexuality, even as an abstract concept, and one can only speculate as to which minority will be the next legislated against. I’m thinking of taking my family and getting out of this country soon, sometime over the next couple of years. It’s cold and it’s mean spirited and I don’t like it here anymore.

It’s a new century, and the times are far worse than depicted in this, Moore’s 1988 time capsule. As we watch Bush and his cronies wriggle out of one fiasco after another, whether it be something as subtle as spying on your political critics, as disdainful of human life as the bungling of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, as flagrantly treasonous as outing a CIA operative for political payback, or as crass as shooting your hunting buddy-slash-campaign contributor in the face at ten paces — yeah, I could go on, I haven’t even touched on Iraq, Abu Ghraib, or Guantanamo — it would be easy to give in to hopelessness.

And yet I feel hopeful. Why? Because we’re in the majority, and thanks to the blogosphere, we have a voice. We’re getting organized, smart . . . and active.

We’re not going away. We’re not lying down.

D.

V for Vendetta

Oh, delicious:

James Wolcott has posted his review of Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta. Check the official website for trailers.

“People should not be afraid of their government. Government should be afraid of the people.”

I’m paranoid enough to think saying this will put my name on a list somewhere, but, hot damn, I can’t wait.

D.

Put another candle on the birthday cake

Karen had a birthday last week, but who has time to make cake during the work week?

It seems appropriate for people our age to sing things that none of you thirty-and-under-somethings would understand. Who recognizes this number?

Put another candle on my birthday cake

We’re gonna bake, a birthday cake

Put another candle on my birthday cake

I’m another year old today!

That’s from Sheriff John, and you can hear him sing it, too. Unfortunately, Karen didn’t grow up in L.A., so she doesn’t know what the f*ck I’m talking about. Or singing about. But she understands chocolate cake, all right.

The inscription is not Not Dead Yeti, which makes no sense at all, but Not Dead Yet!, which any Python fan should recognize. The recipe is from this month’s Cook’s Illustrated (March/April ’06), and while labor intensive, produces damned fine results. I cut the recipe in half since, as it is, we’re going to have leftovers.

Note to people with kids: the frosting calls for 100% semisweet chocolate. Knowing my son, I used half semisweet chocolate and half sweet German chocolate, and he still considered the result too bitter.

By the way, in case any of you have forgotten, this is what I want on my next birthday cake:

(not work safe)

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You could make a stone ache.

Like many of you, I sometimes check my referrals. How are people finding Balls and Walnuts? Well, this morning, someone found me by searching for “testalgia”.

Hmm. I didn’t even know I had written about testalgia, but apparently so. Back in October, a big Technorati slutstravaganza month for yours truly, I concluded a lengthy blogwhoring section with the following:

Awright, awright, that’s enough whoring for the weekend. If I do any more of this, I’ll end up with testalgia. Ask Beth, she knows what it means.

I’ll bet Beth has forgotten all about this, too. Or not.

Testalgia, also known as orchialgia, also known as orchidynia (guys, bet you didn’t know your stones were also orchids!) is commonly known as blue balls or stone ache. With sexual arousal, the genitals engorge with blood. Primarily, this is a venous capacitance effect. In other words, it’s the venous system, not the arterial system, which swells with blood. If orgasm occurs, the vessels relax and everything goes back to normal. If not, then the vessels may remain distended.

According to this Discovery Health Article,

This uneven blood flow causes an increase in volume of blood trapped in the genitals and contributes to the penis becoming erect and the testicles becoming engorged with blood. During this process of vasocongestion the testicles increase in size 25-50 percent.

Wow! I wasn’t imagining it. There’s more:

The condition usually does not last long and the level of pain associated with blue balls is usually minor and can be exaggerated. Most men have been socialized to ejaculate when they get an erection during sexual activity. Failure to ejaculate and to feel orgasm often adds frustration and disappointment to the reality of the physical sensation.

Like hell it’s minor. Guys, back me up on this. Think back to your virginal days, when all you could do was kiss and grope for hours. Felt like you’d been kicked in the nads afterwards, didn’t it?

I learned from Discovery Health that women get stone ache, too. In med school, we were taught that we should be very gentle during that portion of a pelvic exam when we palpated the ovaries. My fingers are too short, so I never did get to feel an ovary. Some women, I could barely reach the cervix. So ended my budding career as a gynecologist.

I would like to conclude this public service announcement with a snip from one of my favorite Country Western songs.

You can tell my arms : Go back into the farm!

You can tell my feet to hit the floor.

You can tell my lips to tell my fingertips,

they won’t be reaching out for you no more.

But don’t tell my balls,

my achy breaky balls

D.

So I lied

I do have bupkes.

And so does Mr. Squirrel, by the look of it.

Superdickery.com has dozens of intentionally? unintentionally? suggestive comic book illustrations for your edification. Enjoy.

D.

Ever have one of those days

. . . where you ain’t got bupkes?

Don’t get me wrong. I had a great day editing and writing, but now I’m spent. My one inspiration was, “Gee, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a sex post,” but then I got discouraged because I couldn’t find a web page discussing Prairie Muffin bedroom habits, and before long I ended up at one of the online skin sites. Again.

I don’t know about you, but looking at that stuff alone depresses me. So, to perk up my spirits, I headed over to YouTube and watched Keith Olbermann pwn Bill O’Reilly. (Hey, did I use that slang right? Pwn? Am I cool or what?)

Now at least I’m not depressed, but I’m still nearly empty-handed.

Um, if you have a filthy, and I mean filthy mind, that last line came out all wrong.

One thing to report: croissants make a decent bread pudding substrate, but I think white bread is superior. White bread-based bread puddings puff higher. Caveat: these were not the greatest croissants.

Show of hands: who made bread pudding tonight?

D.

Bread pudding to die for

Does it seem like I’m posting lots of recipes lately? Don’t hear no one complainin’.

This is the Dubai Deal of bread pudding recipes: it feels all wrong, but it tastes so good. Do you suppose that’s why the Bush Administration wants to sell our ports to the United Arab Emirates company — because those UAE guys taste so good? Is that how these closed room deals are made? It makes as much sense as any other explanation I’ve heard.

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A star-studded golden shower

Isn’t it ironic that I’m stunned, blinded-in-the-headlights by a woman who makes her living deriding the famous and wealthy, who has written at length on the soul-raping effects of fame?

Well, maybe not ironic. I’m enamored of Cintra Wilson because of her writing, not her fame, since after all she’s not particularly famous. Hell, Maureen Dowd probably has much greater name recognition, but I’d take dinner with Wilson over Dowd any day of the week. Sorry, Maureen.

In the February 8-21 issue of The Wave Magazine, in her column The Dregulator, Cintra writes:

Paris Hilton has apparently been leaving her territorial mark anywhere she feels like it — just because she feels like it — and she can do anything she wants — so there. The New York Post reported in October that Paris had an “accident” in the corridor of a Las Vegas hotel. And a couple of weeks ago, Mike Walker of The Enquirer wrote, Maui cab driver Harden Jamison picked up Miss Piss late one night with Greek man-o-kopeta Stavros Niarchos. While he drove, Jamison claims, the heiress hiked up her blue satin dress and relieved herself on his back seat. Jamison had the good fortune to serendipitously run into Paris the next night, and he confronted her. She whined outraged denials. Jamison reportedly screamed, “I kept the towel . . . I’VE GOT THE DNA!” One of her entourage allegedly tried to buy him off for $200.

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Be careful with that sponge, Eugene

First came The Shining, reimagined as the feel-good movie of the year. (Good thing Peter Gabriel isn’t dead; otherwise, he’d be forced to turn in his grave.)

Then came Brokeback to the Future.

Since I’m too tired at the moment to do anything but dick around at YouTube, here’s Tom Cruise on Oprah as It Should’ve Been.

I don’t think I’ll ever tire of these.

And, now playing at YesButNoButYes, Spongeback Mountain.

D.