Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The importance of thorough research
Today, I bought the July issue of Cosmo. For research purposes, not for the
62 SEX MOVES
Guys Share Tons of Totally Original and Mind-Blowing Tips.
Not at all. And good thing, too, because those Totally Original tips included such Mind-Blowing suggestions as, “After climax, a guy’s head can feel overheated and tingly. If you gently pull his hair and massage his scalp, it will quickly relax him.”
I’ll save the What I Learned From Cosmo post for my Thursday Thirteen. For now, I have a question to ask. Why do we in America get this:
while the Brits get this:
Compare the covers. In the Land of Pat Robertson, we get GORGEOUS EYE LOOKS. In England, they get SEXIEST EVER NAKED CENTREFOLDS. Why can’t I get nude Cosmo at my grocery store? I’d even let them spell it CENTREFOLD.
Did you know Cosmo published me? It’s true. Reese Witherspoon was the cover girl. I wanted to talk about the Middle-Aged Balding Jewish Male Sexual Response, but they were only interested in hearing me pontificate on sore throats. They were all hung up about me being an ENT doc — but dammit, I’m an expert in other things, too! I felt so cheap . . . particularly since they bought me off with a complimentary issue.
I have a pretty good idea who writes this stuff. That obsession with swallowing? Guys write those articles. But this 62 SEX MOVES story, I dunno. There’s a guy’s name attached to every move, but what guy calls his dick “my member”? And, “Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other.” Whaaaa?
There’s horrendous advice in this issue. In their Sexy vs. Skanky feature, they list “Sharing clothes with your friends” under Sexy, “Sharing guys with your friends” as Skanky. Not! And they’re telling women not to drink eight glasses of water a day. This is madness! “Eight to ten glasses of non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverages,” that’s what I tell everyone.
I think they need me on staff as their resident ear, nose, and throat doc, sniffer-out of bogus things attributed to guys (but really written by women), and test subject for all of their latest sex tips. I think I have a great deal to contribute, and besides, they already know my work.
D.
Watch it, Doug. Keep offering your opinions on this purported “guy” stuff and you’ll have people sending you things asking, “No, really. Is this true? Do guys really think/do/say/whatever this?” 😀
Then you won’t even have time to do the doctoring stuff.
I agree the UK Cosmos are better. While I was having my pedicure done on Friday I read an article about a woman who teaches an oral sex class for women — to perform on men, specifically. Sparked a few ideas for books, that did. 😀
Look on the bright side, you get 62 sex moves, we only get 9 and I’ll bet the centrefolds aren’t the sexiest-EVER (but I may have to buy to be sure ;o))
So 8 to 10 glasses of Sprite a day would be good? It is many years since my days at medical school (I switched to Anglo-Saxon, Norse and Celtic half way through), but I would have thought that water was a lot more healthy than sugary fizz.
You do realise that those Brit centrefolds are of guys, don’t you?
You’re kidding me. Guys? How do they expect to sell copies to men? Straight men, that is.
8 to 10 glasses of sugar-free Sprite would be fine. Nothing wrong with that in the least, assuming you tolerate the sugar substitute. But you’re right — I ought to point out the nastiness of drinking mass quantities of sweet beverages (LOTS of calories).
So, what was the rationale for not drinking water?
Gee, I don’t know. Short-sighted of them, isn’t it? 😉
It’s not just the calories. Isn’t (non-diet) Sprite (or any other standard carbonated soft drink) hypertonic, so that it actually increases dehydration initially? Ditto for fruit juice, I believe. Isotonic drinks (eg Gatorade) would surely be far preferable?
Personally I don’t find the taste of most sodas particularly appealing. I’m happy to kickstart my day with a can of Red Bull, but it’s mostly water after that, apart from a post-lunch espresso to keep the brain going, with beer or wine in the evenings for the proven medical benefits. If we could get Gatorade over here I’d drink it in quantity. Lucozade Sport just isn’t the same thing.
Last time I looked British Cosmo is sold at Borders. British mags are usually better than their US counterparts, but then for twice the price they ought to be.
Hi Doug. Maybe you’ll visit my blog – I posted a pic of seven of nine 🙂
Red Bull tastes like Liquid Sweet Tarts to me. Odd stuff! As for the hypertonicity being a problem . . . you could be right about that. I steer people away from the caffeinated soft drinks because of the double whammy (the hypertonicity AND the fact caffeine is a diuretic). I’m not sure the hypertonicity is a problem, since the sugar gets metabolized. Interesting question.
Amanda, I’ll look for it next time I’m in Eureka 😉
Crystal, I’m there. I didn’t know 7 of 9 was a Catholic!
I’ll post you a copy of the UK Cosmo is you want me to. Wouldn’t want you to miss the centerfolds.
My naughty drink fix is to have a diet Rd bull before going to the gym. the caffeine buzz helps me work out for longer and keep motivated when the annoyng voice says “I wanna stop!” I have guilt over this, but I keep doing it anyways. Other than that I’m almost caffeine free.
That depends. Are they guy centerfolds or girl centerfolds?
It might be fun to do an across-the-pond comparison . . .