Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Son of Godawful? Mostly.
Let’s get one thing straight right from the start. The villain of The Da Vinci Code is NOT albino, dammit. He’s leucistic. Look at his eyes — they’re blue, not pink. Trust me on this. So you albino rights groups can chill out right now.
(Edited to add: okay, according to Karen, I effed up on this one. Turns out albinism is a complex condition with more than one possible genetic basis. Some folks with this condition have red eyes, but many have light blue eyes. My bad. I’m sympathetic to the albinos, by the way. It’s stupid — no, worse than that, it’s lazy writing — to use color as code for evil. So stop it, Hollywood, stop it right now!)
But you’re not here for a biology lecture, are you? You want the dish on The DVC. It’s below the cut.
While watching the film, I took notes in the dark. Many and varied were the comments I made, and all were uniformly brilliant. When I left the theater, I was dismayed to discover that my pen had no ink.
But that wouldn’t slow me down, oh no! For I had studied at the foot of master puzzle-solvers Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu (a pudgy, exhausted Tom Hanks, and an edible Audrey Tautou, muy muy amable, and yes, I KNOW that’s not French). Undaunted, I whipped out my trusty pencil and shaded away:
Aves ex machina: that’s what I scribbled when a flock of doves saved our heroes from certain death. High quality witticisms they were, and now, all I can make out are isolated words:
homoerotic
fear of elevators?
dry
I always wondered what the ‘H’ stood for
Deprived of my notes, what can I say about The Da Vinci Code? Lots of things, actually.
(1) How about all this controversy? Vis-a-vis The DVC, the Catholic Church doesn’t like it when Hollywood plays fast and loose with dogma, but they didn’t squawk too loudly over The Passion‘s inconsistencies and liberties. One thing is certain: by screaming foul, they gave The DVC lots of free publicity. Not that Ron Howard &co. needed it.
(2) When bad guy Silas (Paul Bettany) stands butt-nekkid in his room flagellating himself? You can’t tell me that’s not supposed to be homoerotic. Kinky homoerotic, but homoerotic just the same. For that matter, I’m starting to wonder about all that whipping in The Passion. Everyone knows whipping causes erections. The fact I can’t find a work-safe link to prove that assertion doesn’t make it any less true.
(3) The movie has horrendous pacing — headlong action-packed rushes intermixed with long slooooow talkie bits. I longed for my fast forward button.
(4) More false-endings than Return of the King. One HUNDRED forty-nine minutes. Damn.
(5) Which reminds me. I figured out the big revelation — you know, the one that comes at the very end of the movie — about twenty minutes into the film. In fact, I thought Robert and Sophie had figured this out, too, so when the slack-jawed goggle-eyed moment came, I was all WTF?
(6) Nevertheless, The DVC garners a few brownie points here and there. As usual, Ian McKellen is more fun than a barrel full of Gandalfs. He buoys an otherwise humor-starved film. Hanks isn’t terrible. Whipping Boy has stage presence to burn. Audrey Tautou = yummy.
Also, as an agnostic Jew, I kinda like the film’s bottom line. Is Christ’s divinity really all that relevant to the worth of Christianity? What’s more important, the messenger or the message? (SOMEONE is going to say, “But the messenger is the message!” and then I’ll ask, “Okay, what do YOU think the message is?” and then the comment thread will get long and boring. So I beg of you, don’t do it.) If anything, I thought this whole bit affirmed rather than threatened Christianity.
(7) But if you want to see a film which has deep religious themes, lots of puzzles, fine acting, and (unlike The DVC) a plot as tight as Paul Bettany’s buttocks, see The Ninth Gate. I would recommend the book, too (Arturo Pérez-Reverte’s El Club Dumas), but it’s not as great as the movie.
How should I rate The Da Vinci Code? A one-to-five cross scale seemed awfully tacky, a fleur de lys scale too erudite, a one-to-twelve apostle scale downright offensive. Instead, I have hewn closely to the iconography of Catholic cinema.
I give The Da Vinci Code two-and-one-half Blairs.
D.
I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m looking forward to it – I like Ian Mckellen a lot and also Jean Reno. It’s funny – there was an X-File episode kind of like the movie – here – secret gospel saying Jesus and Mary were lovers. It was written by David Duchovny and was pretty funny 🙂
I saw DVC yesterday at the matinee ($5/person), so I started by being pleased with the price. Reading the book is 2 years back so while I remembered it, I was a little fuzzy on the ending. Is it true to the ending in the book?
The RC Church doesn’t like anything that won’t make the sheepul come into the church on their knees with gold coins in hand, Douglas, so it’s a given they don’t like it. And my stock reply when anyone asks me about Christ (I’m in a 12-step program for recovering Catholics) is “Did Christ rise because they believed, or did they believe because he arose?”
Whipping causes erections?
pppppptttthhhhh…forget the movie–I’m way done with the book, the movie, the subject (the anecdote of Dan Brown getting through airport security by borrowing a copy of his book that had a photo of him on the back. No, wait, actually that’s still a fun story).
I just like your rating system. Now THAT is original.
*scans doug’s post and perks up: Paul Bettany nekkid? That’s worth something.
You gave it more, err, Blairs than I would’ve. But then, the cinematography made me physically ill, which automatically knocked it down a couple heads for me. (Apparently sitting way close to the screen–the advance screening we attended was packed so I didn’t have the option of viewing it at a more reasonable distance–and all the camera jolts, jiggles, and cut-aways triggered my motion sickness). I couldn’t enjoy the nekkid leucistic pretty or Ian McKellen’s performance, which just left . . . the story.
Have had the hardback 3 yrs and not read it – both The Kid and The Kid’s Girlfriend enjoyed it. She watched the film last Friday and was nonplussed…said she liked it, but… (the infamous hanging butttt).
Haven’t kept up on the trailers, had no idea Paul Bettany was in this – absolutely loved him as Chaucer in “A Knight’s Tale” and as Charles in “A Beautiful Mind”.
The Blair…ya had me rolling on that one. Fantastic rating system.
Hi folks!
Crystal: Jean Reno was pretty sad in this film. I felt bad for him. I loved him in The Professional and La Femme Nikita — the guy has stage presence to burn. Here, he didn’t get to do much.
Leslie, I never read the book, never will. I understand that the movie is very faithful to the book.
Erin, try it on your guy and report back to us.
Kate, stop being such a wet blanket. This wasn’t a movie, this was an EVENT!
Eugie, my expectations were very low thanks to your review. I always like movies better when my expectations start out in the toilet. Funny, I didn’t mind the jerky cinematography, and that stuff usually pisses me off.
Thanks, Lyn. So “A Knight’s Tale” is worth the rental, eh?
I don’t get all the hype. You can find the whole bunch of theories in way more intelligent presentation in Foucault’s Pendulum. Except the flagellating monk. 😀
In Peter Berling’s books as well, but I admit, you need German to read these. 😉
But Gabtiele, the problem with Foucault’s Pendulum is that you need a backhoe to get through Umberto’s dense writing. I liked the Name of the Rose, but it was work to read.
Have you read the book? I started to but couldn’t finish.
I can’t be bothered to go and see it, even with the Blairs.
Gabriele, I have to agree with Crystal. I made it about 100 pages into Foucault’s Pendulum before the boredom sunk in big time.
Pat, I read the first para of The DVC and disliked the writing style.
Jona, rent The Ninth Gate instead 😉
I can’t find a movie that’s ever better than the book, except Forrest Gump – don’t read that book, just don’t.
But, why do you bring a notebook and pencil to a movie? If it’s a regular thing to take notes during a flick, then why not get one of those lightey-up pens so you’ll be able to see what you’re writing in the dark?
I’m not all that interested, really , in seeing the movie and I’ll wait a couple years until they broadcast on primetime; probably as a Christmas special.
BTW, I love biology lessons. Give us a natter about meiosis, and none of that pistil and stamen garbage either.*wink*
Movie better than the book? Seems to me I wrote a blog on that a while back. The Godfather immediately comes to mind. Definitely The Ninth Gate. Angel Heart, there’s another.
Never could bring myself to watch Forrest Gump. From the bits I’ve seen, it looked like a celebration of stupidity. Tell me I’m wrong.
Gotta mention, I read the book. Loved it, but I also read Angels & Demons and kept getting the two mixed up during the first bit of the movie.
For those who read the book, I totally envisioned Jean Reno as Captain Fache while reading it (didn’t know he was actually in the movie yet). Was interested to find out that Dan Brown actually wrote it with him in mind.
All in all, a good movie. But, as usual, never as good as the book. 🙂
Rella
I haven’t read the book yet because it’s always gone at the library and I figure Mr. Brown doesn’t need my money, so I’ll wait.
I’ll probably Netflix the movie version simply because I have to watch anything that stirs up a controversy with the church-y crowd [it’s an illness, I know, but I can’t help myself].
Okay I can’t wait to see the movie and I haven’t read the book yet either and I really don’t care about all the controversy but if whipping causes erections in men which I personally know to be true why is that a bad thing or shown negative light……….that is so wrong….I’m gonna see the movie just to see the bad guy whip himself while he is naked!!!!!!!
Hey Kali! Woo-hoo, ya left a comment, and a doozie, too 😉 Keep coming back, gorgeous.
My family went to see DVC, too, and my thoughts were mostly along the same lines as yours. From the female perspective, I will say getting to see Paul Bettany’s naked backside was a highlight (along with wondering about that pain=erection thing*) – and since it comes so early in the film, that leaves a lot of time to
thinkscream in your head “just figure it out, you idiots, so we can get this over with”.*Actually, this gave me a little pause for thought along these lines: so these monks have sworn off women. And they’re into self-flagellation. Hmmmm…interesting little offshoot of religion we’ve got going on here.