Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Excuse me. Could you take a look at this?
I seem to have something on my forehead.
It’s the damnedest thing. Maybe what we need is a bit of strong light and a magnifying glass . . .
Ah! That explains it.
Conversation with a patient.
Me: So, how much are you smoking these days?
Pt: I’m not smoking. I quit two months ago.
Me: O-kay. You live with smokers?
Pt: No.
Me: Then why do you smell like cigarettes?
(Note: my polite way of saying, then why do you smell like a human ashtray?)
Pt: Oh, well . . . I smoked one before I came in today.
Yeah, right. One. And I only scratch my balls when they’re itchy. Tell me another.
I should know better than to get upset when my patients lie to me. Lying only hurts them. It never ever hurts me. Consider the thirty-five-year-old who tells me he’s an ‘occasional’ drinker — you know, a beer now and then. He needs a tonsillectomy. He gets a tonsillectomy. Then he takes my usual advice to heart and pushes the fluids really well post-op. (You need to drink lots of liquids after a tonsillectomy. It helps to reduce post-op pain, and it also reduces the risk of delayed hemorrhage.) Trouble is, the fluids are all Budweiser.
Same guy comes in to the ER bleeding from his throat. Hoffman gets called, comes in, takes care of it. The labs the ER ordered come back funky. Hoffman can’t figure it out, so he gets the flea* to check it out. Guy won’t tell Hoffman the truth, but he tells the flea that he drinks one to two six-packs per day. Guess what — alcoholics don’t clot too well.
Here’s another example. This time, I got angry.
Getting angry never helps.
YOUNG teenage girl comes in for tonsil problems. I happen to notice a bruise on her soft palate. I ask her about it. I don’t believe her answer.
The girl’s mom and I have a private conversation.
Me: I can’t know for sure, but bruising of the soft palate can be a sign of forced oral sex. Are there any men in the household?
Mom: No.
Me: Uncles, older brothers, your boyfriend —
Mom: No, no men. None at all.
Mom goes on to reassure me that the girl’s explanation is indeed true. Later that day, I call their home to clarify something.
A guy answers. Turns out he’s the mom’s live-in boyfriend.
So I do what I’m required by law to do. I report the incident to Child Protective Services, only now I’m mad, so I keep nagging CPS for followup. What happened? They investigated and found nothing to support a case of sexual abuse.
Oh, I feel so much better now. Not.
No, it doesn’t help to get angry. And you can only do so much to help people. Even liars.
D.
*Flea: an internal medicine physician, AKA internist. Called ‘flea’ by surgeons because they crawl all over the body. I suspect the fleas really hate it when we call ’em that.
No Coumadin or Aspirin for the bleeder.
What was the Platelet count on the CBC?
Just kidding with you.
Bruising to the soft palate, ‘ey?
If I were to see you, you’d think twenty men were in my household.
LOL.
Cali, you’ll fit in well here 😉
I’ve not seen that on Chicago Hope!!
I thought the head-tattoo was just some ellipses, which I thought would be a neat tattoo for a writer to have!Although maybe not on the noggin. I had a pal in university who had a tattoo of a tiny question mark in his ear, he said it was because most people talk a lot of shit he didn’t understand or care about. I thought him a genius.
Thanks, luv.
Not a practicing R.N. at the moment, but still a licensed one. 🙂
If you have naughty things in mind, I’m still going to fit in just fine.
so why do you have the “putz” on YOUR forehead? sounds like you need a stamp for some of your patients–or your patients’ parents.
“total idiot” in permanent neon-yellow would be good one.
nice photo, btw.
though you do look slightly goggle-eyed, like you’re trying to hypnotize us.
HEY, any word yet on your submissions? You did submit your book, right? To more than one agent/publisher?
It says “putz” on my forehead ‘cuz that’s why these folks think they can blither at me. You must think I’m a putz or something, right? Gah, I hate explaining jokes.
The goggle-eyed expression is meant to convey exasperation verging on volcanic anger. Gah, ditto!
I’ve sent packets out to three agents. First packet went out two weeks ago. Still chewing my lip.
Oh, Doug – that poor girl. I hope you’re wrong about what caused her bruise, but if you’re right, at least she knows she has one person on her side.
By the way — what exactly is your hand holding back in that photo?
🙂
Very little hair.
I feel bad for her, but there’s nothing more I can do. The whole thing — having mom lie to me, and then us having to report to CPS — permanently poisons the doctor-patient relationship. As a general rule, I take these kids back into the practice once they’re with different parents/foster parents, but I can’t do anything as long as the offending parent is still in the equation.
You do have to report it. I’ve seen so many moms who do not believe their kids, or are in denial because they don’t want to lose their live-in date.
I know, it’s a good thing to get angry at all the crap you see, just not too often or you burn out….and I say screw the doctor/patient relationshship. It wasn’t honest in the first place, and she sounds like an accomplice to her own daughter’s abuse. Glenda the social worker.
You’re a good man, Doc Hoffman. If I ever reach such a low place I’d turn a blind eye to my own child’s abuse, I hope someone like you is there to report it.
I just shot beer out of my nose thinking of Geaorge Clooney investigating a case of soft palate bruising on Emergency…
Oh, that smarts.
Damn.
And that poor kid – makes you want to punch someone very hard.
Oh hell no.
What kind of parent would do something like that??
Personally, I *might* lie to the Dr. I admit that. I’d go on home, make all nice, have a good dinner…
Then I’d wait for the shit to fall asleep and beat him to death with a baseball bat.
Beat. Him. To. Fucking. Death.
He’d be a puddle, and good luck finding the corpse (altho the blood stains would likely get me in trouble, there are principles to maintain, like ensuring bad crap like that doesn’t happen to your kid)
How can a mother stand aside and let that shit happen to her child?
Tam, I don’t think anyone who had read your books would dare cross you 😉 But it just goes to show, the sick shit you write about really is out there.
Thanks, everyone.