Thirteen things I wish I’d said

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. . . to that nice young man who gave me a speeding ticket last week. Seems I got up to 70 mph when I passed a Mazda truck.

Caveat

for my auto insurance provider and various and sundry individuals in law enforcement. This is SATIRE, capisce? Not an admission of guilt. Heck, most of this isn’t even true.

Thirteen things I’d like to say to that strapping lad from the CHP:

1. You mean there’s a law against that?

2. You may have clocked that Mazda truck at 55, but when I passed him, he was doing 54. I swear it.

3. While we’re on the subject, this 55 thing? Doesn’t work for me.

4. But anyway, that was pretty slick passing, huh? I mean, the way I slipped around that guy, it was like he was standing still.

5. Yes, it DOES matter to me if I get home forty seconds sooner.

6. Huh? Why? Because my childhood sucked. (The My Parents were Mean to Me defense. Hey, it worked for Zacharias Moussaoui.)

7. Live hard, die young, eh? You know what I mean. I saw you strutting back to your car, fondling your big hard billy club.

8. I don’t understand why you can’t let me off with a warning, like those last six officers who pulled me over for speeding. Excuse me — alleged speeding.

9. What if I promised to spend the remainder of my working career helping the old and sick?

10. It was just my crappy luck, you being there at that instant. You wouldn’t want to penalize a guy for bad luck, would you?

11. Look at the way my hands are shaking. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to drive again, let alone speed. I’d say I’ve been punished enough, wouldn’t you?

12. Tell you what. You rip up that ticket for me doing 70, I’ll take off like a bat out of hell, and you can nail me for doing 85. Think how much better that will look.

13. Look, over there in the redwoods — I saw a flash of orange. It’s an escaped Pelican Bay prisoner, I’m sure of it! Hurry, you have to hurry!

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You know what to do. Do it.

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Walnut, May 11, 2006. Category: Humor, Thirteen Candles.

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14 Comments

guppyman says:

May 11, 2006 at 7:35 am

Don’t you hate it when you think up all the good stuff after the cop leaves?

Darla says:

May 11, 2006 at 8:10 am

Hehe. I don’t suppose it would make you feel any better if I told you that ~50mph (80 kph) is the speed limit here in construction zones. I think my next week’s TT will be “things I like about Germany.”

It should be much less embarrassing than this week’s.

Mrs. Cranky Pants says:

May 11, 2006 at 9:44 am

I love this one.

lisa says:

May 11, 2006 at 10:34 am

I once had a cop start lecturing me about how I didn’t pull over soon enough. I interrupted him and said, “Look, just give me a ticket and we can both get on with our lives.”

haha. My hub says, “You have to learn the difference between Sir and Pal.”

Thanks for stopping by at Lam(b) today. I would love to see your movie quotes. And I stole that from someone else, but I forget who. They probably stole it too.

Blue Gal says:

May 11, 2006 at 12:39 pm

greetings from Canada! Not sure what the speed limit is here, but I’ve been here three hours and so far one Walmart and three Starbucks. Thank God for the Starbucks, though. Mommy still needs coffee. And Balls and Walnuts. Best posts behind you? puh leeze.