Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Hagiographic interpolations
Wherein I rant about the artistic liberties of biblical epics.
(Don’t worry, darlings. It gets funny.)
Passover approacheth, and the means lots of Judaeo-Christian Bible Foo on the telly. As I mentioned a long time ago, the only Passover and/or Easter movie I have any patience for is Zeffirelli’s Jesus of Nazareth, but only because I have a hard-on for Mary (Olivia Hussey). The rest of it? Feh. I particularly detest this dude:
Don’t know what it is about Charleton Heston. The man tweaks me. Maybe it’s his martyr complex — see Beneath the Planet of the Apes, or The Omega Man, or for that matter The Ten Commandments — an egocentrism eclipsed somewhat by Mel Gibson’s excesses, but glaring nonetheless.
Anyway. Earlier, Karen clicked over to this version of The Ten Commandments, with Dougray Scott as Moses. Slackjawed I watched as this Moses did things my Moses never did. Or did he?
I decided to return to the primary source, my Chumash, Chapter 2 of Shemos (Exodus to you goyim). And there it was, wedged between 2:21 and 2:22. To set the stage, young Moses has recently killed an Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew. Realizing his crime has been observed, he flees to Midian and meets his future father-in-law, the Kohen (minister) Midian. Pay careful attention, and you’ll notice the Hollywood-sanctioned interpolation.
21 Moses desired to dwell with the man; and he gave his daughter Zipporah1 to Moses. 21.1 And Moses stood with Zipporah in a deserted oasis, rubbing his firm wet bits against her soft wet bits, and there was much splashing and moaning. 21.2 A man approached from afar, shouting many vile things. 21.3 He and his wife dressed with haste, for fear of the man. And the man struck Zipporah, crying out, “She is my wife!” 21.4 And Moses’ mouth grew large, and he did say, “Waaaah?” 21.5 But the other continued to offend Zipporah, and would not listen to Moses’ entreaties, so Moses set upon the man. 21.6 Yea, it was like Fight Club, only with desert robes and muddy water. 21.7 Verily, Moses’ choke-hold settled matters in a trice. Down went the man into the muddy waters, and though he struggled mightily, Moses prevailed. 21.8 He da man. 21.9 Zipporah growled most heartily and set upon Moses, but in a good way. 22 She gave birth to a son and he named him Gershom, for he said, “I have been a stranger in a foreign land.”2
1 I once knew a Zipporah. Stripper in San Francisco, tried to get me to buy teensy glasses of beer for five dollars a pop.
2 And you thought Heinlein came up with that on his own!
Okay. I stand corrected.
D.
LOL –
I’ll have to go back and read the old testament – I always liked Suzanna and the two elders – lol.
My two fave lines from the original, etched into my brain:
“Oh Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!”
and
“I wish every day could be sheep-shearing festival!”
As far as I know, these don’t come straight from the Bible.
WOW…your Old Testament is a lot more entertaining than mine.
Roflol, that should be Legolized.