Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The losing entry is . . .
For those of you who have been following Miss Snark‘s writing contest, here’s my entry. Beats me why it didn’t cut the muster. (Hey — just found out, Stephen won! Here’s a link to the winning entry.)
#77
It seemed that no one noticed when Ron and Hermione ducked beneath the bleachers at the Tricounty Winter Quidditch Cup. The snitch had just zipped past, bright and glittery as any will of the wisp, then zigged instead of zagged, causing Lee Gordon to collide with Katie Bell, rupturing her bunion. Amidst the general muddle, whilst Gordon called Bell an uncoordinated galleycat and Bell called Gordon a dimwitted terrapin, Ron and Hermione slipped away, fleeing from the roar of the greasepaint, smell of the crowd to find respite in each others arms.
Ron heard his professors hurrying down the bleachers. He peeked out between the benches.
“Look at รขโฌหem, Hermione. Like a swarm of promenading poodles.”
“Look at me, Ron Weasley.”
He turned, duly noting that his classmate had lifted her skirts and lowered her knickers in a most inviting way. This was no time for snark.
She licked her lips. “Drop everything and give me ten . . . books.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Ron, grinning. “I know this game. Thaumaturgy, by Bat Segundo.”
A shiver passed through Hermione’s half-naked, prone form. “Get down there, you freckled oaf.”
God, he loved it when she belittled him. He knelt in front of her, hitching her thighs (luscious as griffin milk) over his shoulders. “Practical Magick, by Elvira Stump.”
“Yes, Weasley, yes. More books, you simpering redheaded moron!”
Ron took a quick breath of air. “A Scholar’s Guide to Dragon-rearing.”
“Go on, pendejo.”
“Mmphmmphmm,” Ron said.
“Twit, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
“I said, Moore’s Alchymical Potions.”
“Your mother wears Army boots!”
“Horatio Hunch’s Wand Care and Maintenance.”
“Not that you would know about wands, Weasley. Yours is a twig.”
“Blotchworth’s Lore of Gryffindor.”
“Yes . . .”
“History of the Dark Arts.”
“Yuuuuuuh . . .”
Ron rose for air yet again. “Well you don’t have to bloody yodel. Philista’s Necromancy.”
“Ohgawd ohgawd ohgawd!”
Hermione collapsed backward, panting. “Eight books. That was only eight. You never make it to ten.”
Ron would have replied, but at that precise instant, Harry Potter doffed his Cloak of Invisibility and said, “Guys, that was really gross.”
What could be better than underage oral sex? Unfortunately, not enough folks shared my priorities.
D.
Is this going to double as your SBD entry?
I was shocked, appalled, reading this through my fingers as I tried to hide my eyes from the perversion of sweet youth.
But the last line made me laugh out loud and choke on my coffee.
Oh, I loved this one, lol!!!
Too funny.
Mine was number 40.
I wrote it in two minutes flat because I didn’t see the contest before. Lots of typos. So embarrassed.
LOL
Doug, I hope it’s ok if I ask you an ear question here. Sometimes my ears get wet inside. The wetness turns into crusty stuff. If I clean that out, the ear canal gets wet again. This comes and goes. Could it be allergies? Is there anything I can do? Thanks.
Just found out I was a finalist! (!) Yay!
Mine was Try Out Hitters – but she got the number wrong – 40, not 41. sniff. So now no one will know.
Crystal, this is a form of eczema. It’s best treated with a steroid cream, usually prescription strength. The other possibility is impetigo, which requires an antibiotic cream (Bactroban) to clear up. If your doc can call me (contact info here), I can walk her through it.
Lyvvie, it makes my week when one of my readers sprays her coffee. Thanks for reading.
Sam, I’m on my way to check yours out ๐
Thanks for the info, Doug. I’m going to see if it will go away by itslef, but if not, I’ll take you up on your kind offer.
How did I miss Miss Snark’s writing contest? I’ve been sitting at my desk snickering. Must stop. Time to go home. I’ll read more and snicker more there. Great entry, btw.
Smutty HP fanfiction? Doug!
Don’t let your son see that. ๐
Oh lordy, that’s one of the best bits of homage porn ever. I woulda voted for it.
Thanks, you are officially the best ENT doc ever. You finally managed to clear out my sinuses. I just shot peppermint tea out of my nose. I am cured! You, however may need professional help *g*.
Hmm. Peppermint nasal irrigation. Who’d a thunk?
I laughed, I cried, I gave myself a Silkwood Shower after I was done reading…everything I’ve come to expect from a bit of fiction from you, Dough.
Aieeeee. I swear I meant to type “Doug.” Jebus. Is my Freudian slip showing?
Pronounced: Doh!
Thanks, Candy ๐