Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Le petit mort, redux
You know what I want to know?
Why is this woman wearing her glasses?
Yeah, you guessed it, I’m hanging out at Beautiful Agony again.
If my blog brings one more client to Beautiful Agony, I’ll get a month of free orgasm videos. Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing, not just for me, but for all of us? Think of the blogging splendor you will have. A full month of sexual snarkiness. It could be special.
Okay, story time. On the last Smart Bitches Day, Kate was bemoaning the lack of pirate romance, so Beth posted this great snippet. I asked my billing person, Catrina, whether she knew of any pirate romances. Catrina reads romance novels — lots more than I do.
“The Captive series by Fern Michaels,” she said, and since I was ordering Laura Kinsale’s The Shadow and the Star anyway, I picked up what I thought was the first Captive book, Captive Embraces. Turns out I got #2. Why am I always doing that?
Damn, thought I, now I’ll have to go buy #1 so I can read them in order. But it occurred to me, maybe I ought to look at this one to see if I even like Ms. Michael’s style.
Mmm, not so much. The novel opens with a love scene. From page 2,
Each of her senses was heightened and filled by this man who could make her feel as though she’d never known another lover, who could make her believe she was created for his pleasure alone and, in giving that pleasure to him, find her own.
But I’m not one to pass on a book after two pages. Oh, no. I have to give it three.
Together they spun over the threshold of sensuality into the universe, whirling on a roll of thunder and blinded by a flashing bolt of rapture.
I can’t make this stuff up.
Today, I told Catrina, “Um, that Fern Michaels book? Sucks. Opens up with this sex scene where they come together, only she doesn’t say they come together, only some bullshit about spilling over into alternate universes and shit.”
“You were asking for pirate romances,” she said. “I never said it was any good. I couldn’t even finish the first one.”
Now she tells me.
But, it’s not all a waste, since Catrina indirectly gave me an idea for my next Smart Bitches Day post: the orgasm in literature.
Suggestions appreciated. This weekend, email me your favorite orgasm passages, and I’ll work them into what I hope will be a fine contribution to SBD. That email addy again:
azureus
at
harborside
dot
com
Later tonight, I hope: my review of V is for Vendetta.
D.
You know, that’s just silly, don’t you?
Debra Mullins’ first book Once a Pirate was, obviously, a pirate romance. Johanna Lindsay years ago had a couple, but the names escape me. I’m sure Bertrice Small must have written some, too. *g* Plenty of material for you to read, Doug.
Lindsay is Gentle Rogue and Tender Rebel. No, please don’t ask me which one has the Pirate–one features him as a secondary character off the ship, the other as a pirate.
The there’s Guardian Angel by Garwood. Lady Pirate. Even MORE believable. Yep. Uh huh. (But fun–there’s even a one-legged pirate uncle who crashes a house party to steal silver.)
Look, you don’t really take Fairbanks’s Captain Blood and Errol Flynn’s The Sea Hawks as serious cinema chronicling the economic and military motivations of the men forced to wander the Spanish Main, do you? The dialogue is silly, the plots are, eh, not complex, but good grief, what a terrificly silly ride! Sign me up for more!
Pirate romances are like that.
Laura Kinsale wrote The Prince of Midnight which is about a masked highwayman who must retire after contracting vertigo. Dashing yet dizzy. Quite nicely done. Might try it.
Oh hell–just go buy everything Laura Kinsale ever wrote and get back to us when you’re done….
Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg, you tasty morsels. I be a pirate many a beautiful damsel has ridden. Those that know me, want me. Those that don’t know me loathe me. I be sailin’ yer way……..keep a wary eye out! Arrrrrrrrggggggggg.
Karen’s reading The Shadow and the Star first . . . then it’s my turn.
Nick, you devil dog you.