The Dark Lord speaks

Now edited — for pronouns!

As many of you have heard, Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange’s condition has been upgraded to “aura slightly tweaked, but rallying nicely, thank you very much” by the healing wizards of Hoppesheadde Hospital. The circumstances of last Monday’s wand injury remain somewhat mysterious, owing in large part to Lord Voldemort’s reluctance to speak.

Fortunately, Balls and Walnuts enjoys an excellent working relationship with Severus Snape, Hogwarts’ Potions Master and Defense Against the Dark Arts Instructor. Although Lord Voldemort declined interviews with CNN and MSNBC, he agreed to talk either with Brit Hume of Fox News, or Severus Snape of Balls and Walnuts. Upon reflection, he granted the interview to Severus, stating, “Hume’s a softball-lobbing simpleton, a moron and a muggle. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Full interview below the cut. (Technorati tag: Dick Cheney)
SS: So good of you to join us, Lord Voldemort.

LV: Good to be here, Severus. Wife and kids okay?

SS: Fine, fine.

LV: Great. That’s just great. May they live full, productive lives until I complete my rise to power and kill you all.

SS: Lord, I’m touched. Your generosity knows no bounds. Now, then. You and Ms. Lestrange were — what was it, precisely? Hunting phoenixes over at the Armstrong ranch?

LV: Yes, that’s right.

SS: Is that what they’re calling it now.

LV: We were hunting, Severus. For phoenixes. She’s a Death Eater, for pity’s sake. Have you ever tried soul-kissing a Death Eater?

SS: I cannot say that I —

LV: All that Death-Eating they do. There aren’t enough Altoids in the world to cure that breath.

SS: And you were wielding a yew wand?

LV: Indeed.

SS: A yew wand, an instrument you’ve employed for many years —

LV: Yes, yes. Get to the bloody point.

SS: I’m struggling to comprehend how a dark wizard of your proficiency could accidentally point his wand at a Death Eater. Surely you can discern the difference between a phoenix and a Death Eater.

LV: Is that a question?

SS: Describe for me, if you will, what happened next.

LV: ‘Twas ‘orrible. I shall live with the memory for the rest of my life. One moment, Bellatrix was standing there, telling me the one about the travelling salesman and the Dementor’s daughters, and the next she’s running about, pecking at seed.

SS: You hit her with a gallus discombobulus spell?

LV: Aye, I did at that, and I shall have to live with a horror of chickens for all my days.

SS: And the phoenix — did you hit the phoenix as well?

LV: I don’t know, Severus. I was too busy tending to Bellatrix.

SS: Seeing to her wounds?

LV: Getting her talons out of my hair and her shit off my shoulder, more like.

SS: Lord Voldemort, much has been made of the fact you waited a full day before reporting this incident to the proper authorities.

LV: Don’t be an imbecile. You know I have nothing but disdain for the Ministry of Magic and their ‘laws’.

SS: You are the Dark Lord, after all.

LV: I’m glad we understand one another.

SS: Nevertheless, I’m sure you have heard the fevered speculation that you and Ms. Lestrange were imbibing potions, thus violating the most basic rule of the dark arts —

LV: Yes, yes. ‘Never wield wands while juiced.’

SS: And?

LV: I had one draught of Clear Sight potion for lunch, nothing for hours after.

SS: But your failure to appear before the media or speak with the authorities does, you must admit, look suspicious. Perhaps — only a hypothetical, mind you — perhaps you had indulged in a sip of Satanicus potion, and you had to wait a day so that the tail, horns, and cloven feet would disappear.

LV: Amusing fantasy, Severus.

SS: But a very damaging fantasy, nonetheless.

LV: Damaging? How can I be damaged by a rumor?

SS: I suppose you haven’t heard the buzz, then.

LV: Hagrid let the basilisk escape again, did he?

SS: Many practitioners of the Dark Arts, those whom you consider your allies and staunchest supporters, now wonder if you are a trifle unbalanced. Perhaps you are losing your edge. Perhaps you are slipping.

LV: Let them say it to my face!

SS: And risk being turned into a chicken?

LV: One time that happens, and a fellow gets branded for life? This is bloody unfair.

SS: So, do you deny any use of potions — other than a simple draught of Clear Sight?

LV: I do deny it, Severus, I do! Just a draught or two of Clear Sight. Oh, and five jiggers of peppermint schnapps for my gout. Some apricot brandy for the ague, too, mixed with an ounce of formaldehyde from the jar with Hitler’s brain in it. Other than that, not a drop. Not a single blasted drop.

SS: Now, don’t you see? That is the problem. There are many thousands of foul-intentioned dark arts practitioners in our land who look to you for guidance. If you act like a bloody drunken fool, you risk abdicating your position of respect and authority. Appearances are important, Lord Voldemort. Particularly when it comes to the reputation of evil geniuses.

LV: Yes. Yes, I see. Thank you, Severus. You have been of inestimable service to me.

SS: Yes, well, don’t say that too loudly. Good day to you, sir.

LV: And an evil day to you, Severus.

D.