Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
To sleep, or not to sleep
So I have a choice. I can feel what I’m supposed to be feeling, or I can take this antidepressant (at what is supposedly way below the typical antidepressant dosage) and get some sleep. SOME sleep. Lately, I’ve been getting four hours a night. Last night I tried to do it on 25 mg benadryl alone, and lay awake for 2.5 hours before giving up and taking one of the antidepressant pills. Then I managed four hours. I find I can function quite well on four hours, but I know that seven would be a lot healthier. But when I’m on the antidepressant — even at a measly 50 mg — the grieving gets muted. It’s still there, as I discovered in the last couple days as I tried to wean down off the stuff. But I guess I have to sleep.
I have to do a lot of things. I have a very long checklist and it doesn’t seem to be getting any shorter.
I signed up for a years’ worth of personal training this last week, and had my first session yesterday. She kicked my ass. Going back to her tomorrow, and I’m going to try to go to the gym today, too. But first, I have to get into the office and clear out some of the “do this before the end of the year” stuff I’ve been putting off.
But Jake and I seem to be doing okay. No one’s doing anything self destructive, and we’re still more a comfort to each other than the other way around. Honestly, I’ve been more worried that I’m a burden to him with all of my blithering. But thanks to the antidepressant, there’s been a whole lot less blithering.
Off to the office!
D.
