Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
22 tongue depressors
Apparently, Balls and Walnuts has descended to the new low of being the chronicle of my declining health. First my teeth get massacred, now I’m dealing with evil TMJ. More accurately, a lot of the muscles of mastication on my right side have been in spasm, resulting in some nasty trismus (inability to fully open one’s mouth). Trismus can be measured with a ruler, the “inter-dental opening” distance, or with the number of stacked tongue depressors you can jam between your incisors. A week ago, I could only fit 12. Now I can fit 22! So it seems that jamming depressors in my mouth is a good thing. At least I can (almost) yawn again.
But really. It was getting ridiculous. Rock bottom was when I couldn’t even open wide enough to eat a banana. Here I am trying to do the right thing by my TMJs and eat soft food, and I can’t even eat soft food. I thought I was going to have to start taking all my meals through a straw. Which wouldn’t be too bad, since it’s hard to get fat on smoothies. (At least it’s hard to get fat on my smoothies.)
Speaking of fat, and still speaking about my body, I can fit my thin pants again. They’re a 32 inch waist. About a week or two ago I could wedge myself into them, suck in my gut and button the button, but that doesn’t count. I am now appropriately sized such that I can comfortably fit the 32s. Time to get some new pants to show off my ass. Do they make Apple Bottoms for guys?
Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s a guy poured into those jeans.
D.
I’m not sure that the pink-fringed apples on the asscheeks look is good on men our age.
It would significantly brighten the day of anyone walking behind you however. Laughter being the best medicine and all that, perhaps as a physician Doug has an actual moral obligation to seek out these jeans and wear them as often as possible.
Congrats on the slimmer you. Do you feel better? Where could I buy tongue depressors in bulk; like a couple thousand of them? I want to make stick bombs.
Dean, have you forgotten my congenital absence of shame?
Chris, I am reminded of Steve Martin in The Jerk when he discovers his special purpose . . .
Lyvvie, what are stick bombs?
Cobra weave stick bomb: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzrwG0dNhDE
Now that my tongue depressors have been all over the floor, what am I supposed to use for my TMJ?
Racquet balls?