Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Kindness: an ambiguous case study
After rounding on my patient this morning, I had breakfast at a downtown coffee shop. I took a seat at a counter next to a gaunt black gent with a nice wooden cane and a dapper fedora. First thing I noticed, the waitress took my order before his, even though he’d clearly been there before me. When she took his order, I heard him say, “Would I have enough left over for the blueberry muffin?” She told him no, he nodded, and that was that.
It set me to thinking whether I could pay for his breakfast without him knowing. The “without him knowing” part — this wasn’t so much “random act” B.S. but a desire not to embarrass the guy. The cash register was about five feet from me, seven or eight from him. Would he hear me if I explained to the waitress that I wanted to pay my neighbor’s bill, too? I was confident I would finish my breakfast quickly; I always do. Old and bad habit from internship and residency: I bolt down my food.
Before I had much time to consider, the waitress brought over a wrinkled, greasy paper bag and plopped it in front of the man.
“I didn’t want this to go!”
“Take it and leave. You were panhandling our customers so you can’t eat here.”
“This is rude.”
“It’s rude for you to panhandle out front. Our boss says you panhandle here, you can’t eat here. Take it and go.”
He asked to speak to the manager, but the manager wasn’t there. The senior waitress came over.
From the conversation that followed, I learned that one of the customers entering the restaurant had given the waitress at the register some money to cover the guy’s breakfast. So even though his breakfast was bought and paid for, they weren’t allowing him to eat there.
When the waitress told him it was rude of him to panhandle, he said, “It’s never rude to ask for help.” Then he launched into an odd bit about how “all of you are happy to take Obama’s bailouts, but I’m different somehow.” Which I thought was interesting.
After he left, two of the waitresses involved apologized to me. Didn’t help; I still felt like they had handled the situation poorly. What, did they feel like they’d be encouraging him if they let him eat at the counter like a normal human being?
Another woman came in, placed a to go order. They packaged her breakfast in a crisp, non-greasy paper bag. Hmm.
And what about the guy who paid for his breakfast? I understand the logic: “I’m going to pay for his breakfast. I don’t want to give him cash for drugs or alcohol.” On the one hand, the charitable party didn’t have to give the guy money. On the other hand, doesn’t it taint the act if you make the assumption that you have to pay for the guy’s meal, or else he’ll use the money for drugs or booze? Shouldn’t we be treating people with more dignity than that?
I’m not sure what to make of the whole thing. Restaurants do have the right to refuse service, or at least they claim that right. Clearly, the fellow who ponied up the breakfast money put them in a bind. If they refused the money (really the only way to refuse service), they might offend the donor. On the other hand, they wanted him out of there as fast as possible. So they took the money and proceeded to do as little as possible for the older man.
It left me with a bad feeling for the place. I won’t return. This man was well dressed, he didn’t smell, he wasn’t dirty. I would have eaten my breakfast next to him and never suspected he was down on his luck. He wasn’t bothering anyone and it wouldn’t have caused anyone any grief if they had treated him with respect. For that matter, it doesn’t make me think less of an establishment if there are panhandlers outside.
Seems to me there was more than a little vindictiveness in their behavior.
D.
Fascinating post! So many nuances that I’ve read it over several times.
On the donate money vs. in kind question – for me giving someone money feels wrong. When I think about it, my reaction is partly based on the fungibility of money; giving someone money means you think they need money in general. Paying for someone in a bind limits the charity to the situation, so is sort of face saving. Today I was buying a goose at the local Costco equivalent. Long story (had to order one, which meant they killed it just for me, which reminded me why I did the vegetarian thing for a while; my secretary ordered it – another ethical dilemma, since it was personal business, not work, but then I justify that by all the uncompensated overtime that I do, even though they don’t ask me to do it; she ordered it for the wrong day, but since it was personal business, couldn’t complain and she did convince them to freeze it), but the point that I’m eventually getting to is that when we were checking out I had more stuff in the cart than I had cash, so had to put something back. In this case it was about $30 too much, so no one would think about giving me that, but if it had been $1 too much and someone had offered, I might have taken it. If someone were just to offer me a dollar for no apparent reason, it would be weird and I’d wonder why I looked like I needed a dollar (of course, if the guy was actually soliticing donations, that’s a different situation). (And turns out I was only short of cash, because I asked the guy if he’d scanned the goose, which he hadn’t.) I’m also not a fan of getting money for gifts – then it seems it’s all about obligation, but I realize that’s not necessarily fair – my parents point out they don’t really know what I like anymore (not surprising since I see them once every couple of years) and they aren’t attuned to the wish list phenomenon, which is how my siblings and I gift each other.
Of course there’s also the possible racial element, which may not have been there at all, since one can see where a waitress would take the order of a customer that can pay for himself before someone who had to rely on charity, which may not lead to repeat business. This situation makes me think about how frequently one doesn’t know the reason behind a problem like this situation. When someone is rude to me I try to fight the tendancy to believe it’s because I’m too fat, not well-enough dressed, don’t speak the language, whatever. Rudeness can be from the other person, provoked by my own rudeness, or just a miscommunication. But it seems to me that some people see all such difficulties through the prism of their own perceptions. I over-react to situations here sometimes, because I’m convinced the locals don’t like foreigners. I try to make note of the times when people are friendly and nice (as happened several times today to my surprise and delight) and maybe that will help erode my own insecurities.
On the face of it, I think the restaurant should have been gracious, especially if the man was unremarkable. We don’t know that overall situation, however, and maybe this man shows up every morning and customers have complained. Did you tell the waitresses how you felt? Did you ask why they were so annoyed with the guy? It might have given them a chance to retain your business.
On the vindictiveness – again maybe there’s a long history that would explain it. My thought, however, is that seeing someone who is otherwise unremarkable have to ask for money for breakfast – the cheapest meal of the day, made them very uncomfortable, because it reminds them that “there but for the grace of God go I” and that one’s financial wellbeing is far more precarious than one wants to think – waitresses, especially if they aren’t students, but mature ladies without other prospects, are probably living paycheck to paycheck and seeing a reminder of what could happen brings out the worst.
Sorry for the long comment – the post is very thought provoking!
Thanks, Kira. I should have mentioned that one waitress who apologized explained that he is always panhandling in front of their restaurant, that he has been told not to do so in the past, and “he just doesn’t get it.” So, yes, I got the sense that they were fed up with him.
You might remember that I have been working for a very large respected private university in the area of public policy as it relates to public health and specifically in the area of food security. Previously I was the development director of a charity founded by our governor which focused on feeding the poor. So, not that I am an expert, but what I research and write about food policy. There is a growing movement which recognizes that current government policy and food bank charities have failed miserably in their mission to prevent hunger and provide adequate nutrition for people who are food insecure. The reasons for this failure are complex and interrelated. Farm subsidies make corn, soy, rice, wheat and potato based products cheap, while lean organic meats and vegetables are expensive. It is no accident that the poorest people in the United States are paradoxically both hungry and obese. Poverty and the resulting poor education of the poor compound one another. There is a famous Chinese proverb, Give a man a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetimeâ€. I invite you to visit the Community Food Security Coaltion website for a wealth of information on this subject http://www.foodsecurity.org and in particular I recommend this article which can be found with other great information under the publications tab, CFS Views. http://www.foodsecurity.org/views_education.html In this article Mark Winne contrasts European vs. American attitudes toward social justice. I highly recommend the other articles of my
colleague Mark Winne. Please excuse typos-I’m on my mobile.
PS – Sorry for the long winded downer comment.
I don’t consider this a downer comment . . . it’s good to know folks are trying to figure out better ways to fix the problem.
I work in an area of Vancouver that is right on the edge of the poorest postal code in the country. I see a lot of panhandlers.
I usually give the truly destitute money, a dollar or two. There’s one guy who I see regularly. He panhandles by opening the door for people at the parkade I use. He’s a hopeless alcholic, his face thickened and coarse.
He’s unemployable. There is no way he could ever hold any kind of job. I realize that when I give him money he’ll probably just use it to buy booze, but that’s his decision, probably the only one left available to him in his life. On the other hand, he may use it to buy a meal.
I used to pass these people by. But now, as often as not, I give them a little if I have it. And I don’t know if this is an altruistic act or not.
Being in the business of asking for money for food for people who are hungry regardless of the reason, I have been turned down flat by many of the same philanthropists, foundations and corporations that give huge amounts of money to feed and care for hungry animals. Blaming misfortunate people while taking responsibility for misfortunate animals is hard for me to understand when I think about it.