Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The marriage counsellor, Part 2
I have more funny business in store for you later this evening . . . so, Maureen? Chill.
Before I leave behind this discussion of love and marriage, I wanted to share with you a link I found several years ago. I found this two years ago and filed it away for my son (in an envelope labeled For Jacob, when he’s older). I’m not sure what mood possessed me at the time, but it must have been precious.
First, here’s the link:
Ten Terrifying Truths about Marriage by Dr. Michael Tobin
Rereading this, I see a few gems here, but what possessed me to print this out and stuff it in an envelope for my son, to be opened circa 2020? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not so crazy. Two items in particular stand out:
2. Try all you want — you’ll never change your partner. However, if you change yourself, your partner may change.
Very true, in my experience. (It’ll be a blast when Karen reads this. She’ll piss herself laughing: You’re kidding, right? When did you ever change?)
8. The greatest gift you can give your children is a loving marriage.
Hmm. I wouldn’t know this from firsthand experience, but I’m hoping my son will tell me one day if it’s true. Maybe that’s why I socked this list away.
Okay, enough with the serious stuff. Time to pull out the whoopee cushions.
D.
I’m glad to see you thinking about this stuff for your son. The best advice a rabbi ever gave me was to write a letter to my son when he was an infant, putting down for him what your hopes and fears for him are, with the intention (completely up to the writer to decide to follow through of course) to give him the letter on his wedding day. A powerful exercise.
But what makes a good marriage? Having dealt with arseholes, infidelity, addiction, honor, anger, support, job-loss, and depression (not all the same relationship, but you get the idea), I believe that a long-term marriage depends upon a commitment to stick around past the time when you stop being in love with the other person. Ultimately it’s about setting aside your own ego. Which is lind of like raising children. Which gets us back to where we started.
I think.
Sounds like you’ve been through the wringer, Suisan. Thanks for commenting.
well, I don’t know that I’ve been through the wringer, exactly. I never had to deal with divorce or custody disputes, for example.
But I think I have a less than completely romantic view of the elements of a committed marriage. A lot of it seems to be based on simply committing to staying together and continuing to communicate. And a little less about experiencing the hormonal rushes of teen romance.