Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Coming soon to a hotel near you
So I had this idea last night to write something truly preposterous and call it The Holy Tome. I could lead with a creation myth or two, create a God whose arbitrariness and cruelty rivals any of the extant deities, perhaps tell the story of a Chosen People whose criminal pettiness makes the rest of us seem noble, throw in whole chapters of “begats” . . .
Out of curiosity, I’ve been searching the Barnes and Noble website for other Bibles. Who knows, maybe someone’s been there and done that already. That’s when I found this gem:
The Bible: The Complete Word of God (Abridged): love the title. I admit to a plummeting disappointment when I realized this was a humor CD and not the screw-up of some dumbass publisher — somehow, “The Complete Word of God (Abridged)” is a much funnier joke when it’s accidental rather than intentional.
Anyway, I then started wondering what other Bibles I could find. Out of 48,315 items (!), surely there would be more gems. In the first few pages, I found Bibles of various size and vocabulary level; I found Green Bibles and TruTone Bibles, children’s Bibles and New American Bibles. Only when I got up into the thirties did I find a bit of irreverence, such as The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible, which I first heard about on NPR and still strikes me as a potentially fun read. Another one with promise: Good Book: The Bizarre, Hilarious, Disturbing, Marvelous, and Inspiring Things I Learned When I Read Every Single Word of the Bible:
Along the way, he grapples with the most profound theological questions: How many commandments do we actually need? Does God prefer obedience or good deeds? And the most unexpected ones: Why are so many women in the Bible prostitutes? Why does God love bald men so much? Is Samson really that stupid?
Yes, Samson is really that stupid.
I hope they paid James Earl Jones well for James Earl Jones Reads The Bible. Compact Disc – 14 CDs, 19 hours. Is the New Testament covered, too? Because I would really, really love to hear Darth Vader say, “Jesus, I am your Father.”
You wouldn’t expect something entitled Bible Illuminated, The Book New Testament to be about vampires, but dig the cover:
Okay, I’m well into the 200s and finally finding a bible for vegetable growers, another for marijuana growers, and yet another for bodybuilders (penned by Arnold Schwarzenegger, no less). I’d like to know more about Grindhouse Experience Presents: Spaghetti Bible, but sadly, there’s no description.
Ugh. I’m getting tired. I’m up to #330 (The Barbecue Bible) and HONESTLY I don’t think I’m ever going to find The Orgasm Bible.
This is enough religion for one evening.
D.
I had the James Earl Jones bible tapes a few years ago — I have no idea where they are now. I may have sent them to my mother. Anyway, it was the New Testament.
Suisan! Where ya been!
So it took him 19 hours to read the NT? Oof. Imagine if he’d tackled the OT, too.