Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Judith Miller’s Top 10 new job opportunities
Ms. Miller, 57, said in an interview that she was “very satisfied” with the agreement and described herself as a “free woman,” free from what she called the “convent of The New York Times, a convent with its own theology and its own catechism.”
She said that in the few hours since her departure had been made public, she had received several offers “of all kinds” for future employment, which she declined to specify.
Hmm. I can imagine the offers rolling in . . .
10. Ghostwriter for prison pen pals. Judy’s recent time in stir uniquely qualifies her for this important position. She understands that when you’re trying to convince the public to love a criminal, honesty is not nearly as important as a passel of pretty lies.
9. Colon irrigation therapist. Although Judy has more experience feeding us sh!t than cleaning it out, she’ll doubtless feel right at home hobnobbing with assholes all day long.
8. Public Relations officer for the KKK. Hey, she sold the U.S. on the war in Iraq; think what she could do to rehabilitate the Klan’s image problem.
7. Screenwriter. Bet you didn’t know Judy was a dramatist. From her resignation letter:
On July 6 I chose to go to jail to defend my right as a journalist to protect a confidential source, the same right that enables lawyers to grant confidentiality to their clients, clergy to their parishioners, and physicians and psychotherapists to their patients. Though 49 states have extended this privilege to journalists as well, for without such protection a free press cannot exist, there is no comparable federal law. I chose to go to jail not only to honor my pledge of confidentiality, but also to dramatize the need for such a federal law.
I understand Seymore Butts is looking for a new screenwriter. Anyway, that last paragraph lends itself quite naturally to Judy’s next job opportunity,
6. Hot air generator for Napa Valley’s famous balloon rides.
5. Bat Boy reporter for the Weekly World News. I told this joke once before, but it still makes me laugh.
4. One girl USO Show to our troops in Iraq. Judy’s friendliness with our soldiers is now legendary; she’s the original embedded reporter. Why not stage a return performance?
Go Judy! Forget Air Force One — take a train!
3. Professional wrestling commentator. She’ll have you believing Johnny Nitro really did break Heidenreich’s clavicle on last Saturday’s smackdown.
2. Lemming career advisor. According to snopes.com, mass lemming suicide is a myth, but during the filming of the 1958 Disney nature documentary White Wilderness, the film crew “induced lemmings into jumping off a cliff and into the sea in order to document their supposedly suicidal behavior.” I’d say Judy Miller has the experience for this job, wouldn’t you?
And Judy’s number one job opportunity is
1. Perennial straw man for journalism ethics classes for the next forty years.
Somehow, I think she’ll take a pass on that one.
K, folks, it’s late, and I wanna go to bed. If you’re so inclined, feel free to add a few of your own ;o)
D.
I duuno about Bat Boy reporter. She’d have to become a lot more skeptical about her sources.
I think she should write a book about Paris Hilton. Or better still! ghost-write PH’s autobiography and be forced to spend hours in the blonde one’s company.
>8. Public Relations officer for the KKK.
Or, for Prussian Blue. She could do a combination PR and therapist thing. I hear the little racist girlies are feeling poorly.
(Ooo…the word verification is a white supremicist nightmare. RJEWVA.)