Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Chief cook & bottlewasher & certified earconologist.
The boss and I got to talking about ear candling today, and I told him about Quackwatch, which has an article about candling that always makes me want to holler, “NAILED!”
If you’re not familiar with candling, here’s the concept: a practitioner (certified earconologist — but I’m getting ahead of myself) puts a coiled, wax-lined paper tube into the patient’s ear, lights the distal end, and lets the thing burn down a good way, taking care not to let the patient’s head catch fire. In some descriptions I’ve read, the practitioner positions the patient on a massage bed in a dimly lit room, no doubt with patchouli burning and Yanni playing in the background. For this, he charges thirty to sixty dollars. He cuts open the candle stub to reveal all the wax and ill humours the candle has sucked from his client’s head.
If the client has the temerity to point out that the material in the candle looks nothing like the stuff at the end of his Q-tip every morning, the certified earconologist makes up some crap about the candle pulling all of the yeast out of his client’s body. No fooling — patients have told me this.
Needless to say, the whole thing is a ridiculous con which bases its entire therapeutic effect on the fact that it is, indeed, relaxing to lie still for a number of minutes in a quiet room, in a comfortable position, with soothing music in the background, without a care because at least for the time being someone ELSE is making decisions for you. (Hey, that’s why I enjoy massages!) And how great is it for the certified earconologist? Unlike my masseuse, the earconologist needn’t break a sweat. He’s . . . um, I guess he’s monitoring care. Yeah, that’s it.
Dr. Roazen, author of that great Quackwatch article, has been updating her debunking. She now links to a website with information enabling you, too, to become a Certified Earconologist. (My favorite part? For only $125, you can get a medical degree of sorts. I wish someone would have told me about it over-$70000-and-seven-years-of-my-life ago. And whoever runs this site is above all a responsible practitioner, no sleaze: “Ear Candling can not be done safely without the use of an Otoscope as it is impossible to examine the inner ear cannel without one.“)
There are even easier jobs out there, though. Consider Touch Therapy, where the practitioner doesn’t even need to touch the patient, only his aura. How cool is that? I can only begin to imagine the conversations between the touch therapist and his receptionist . . .
Tough one, Dr. Walnut?
That’s the understatement of the decade. Her chi was in shreds! I had to apply every ounce of my prana to get her Anahata recharged. I think my Sahasrara is still up her Bindu!
Oh, you poor dear. By the way, I renewed your subscription to Popular Anthroposophy.
Thanks. Fix me a hot cup of ginseng tea, would you?
Yeah, that’s the life.
D.
Wow! I never heard of this; it’s hard to believe people would allow themselves to think that this is okay for their ear wax.
On a similar subject, one of the gyms I used to go to had a high Asian population, and I always used to see women with this circular burn marks on their back. I know this is a method of what? Burning the cold, flu etc out of your system? We were told about this at work too so that we wouldn’t report it as a form of child abuse. Does this really work? Not that I’d ever do it. I’ll stick to Airborne even though THAT was proven it doesn’t work.
Hey, I’m still thinking about a distance learning course where I can become a “certified rodentologist”, that is a person who is qualified in the UK to treat guinea pig maladies.
Prerequisites to enter the program?
“Minimum age requirement is 16 but no previous qualifications or specific veterinary knowledge is required. Special arrangements can be made for overseas students
(please e-mail us for more details.)”
After three years of course taking, you take a two day workshop at her clinic, get an 80% on a test, and wah-LA! You are a rodentologist!!
http://www.rodentology.co.uk/
Pesky veterinary schools requiring all sorts of hands-on training and years of study. Peh. (In the UK, a LOT of hamster and guinea pig owners prefer to have a rodentologist treat their pets than paying for the vet. Too bad only the vet can anesthetize and prescribe antibiotics. “But hey,” they say.” My rodentologist told me that the guinea pig doesn’t need antibiotics. So there.” Sigh.
After I become a rodentologist, I plan to start up my earconologist degree. Always did want a bunch of letters after my name.
Does the $125 include an Otoscope or is that sold separately? If it’s sold separately, is it available in a bundle with a Spectro-Chrome and a Natural Eye Normalizer?
I am really amazed that we never saw anyone with a singed head!!! Like you always say “you can get ear wax out of a pepsi bottle”
Sis: isn’t that that thing where they create a vacuum under a glass bulb of some sort? I’ve seen it in the movies. Sucks out the evil humors, I guess.
Suisan, you may practice on my two remaining degus.
Dan, the otoscope is sold separately. I was going to say “I have a few for sale” but that’s one of the things that’s still boxed up . . . somewhere.
Catrina, I guess we must have had some particularly intelligent earconologists in our area 🙂
The circular marks are from “cupping”, yeah, it is from using a hot, glass bulb to create a vacuum under the glass, for healing purposes.
Surprised you were told not to report it though, I work in this field, and I’d tell you it’s not your responsibility to decide what is and isn’t child abuse… that’s a tough enough call for me, and I do it for a living. If you have a concern, report it and let the professionals sort it out.
Not all cases of cupping on children are abuse, but that doesn’t mean all cases aren’t. The procedure can be done without burning. There’s usually a “hickey”-like mark, though.
A few years back, our local morning television show did a segment on ear candling, they even had the procedure demonstrated on the show. Even knowing nothing about it, I thought it seemed like a lot of hooey.
I’m not sure; I thought they put these hot circular rocks on your back; I have to admit total ignorance here, but since the circles are uniform, your explanation sounds like the logical one.
Have you seen the commercial for the reverse thing you stick in your ear? Instead of spraying inside, it gets the wax with some reverse suction. I am explaining this badly.