Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
It’s evil.
Some of you have asked about this.
To which I reply,
Well, not entirely evil. There are good ways to use Q-tips and bad ways to use Q-tips. Follow me below the fold for your daily dose of infotainment!
Q-tips are problematic in three different circumstances: freak accidents, overuse, and yes, underuse.
Freak accidents: I’ve had two patients who forgot the Q-tip was in place when their cell phones chimed. There ya go. And I had one patient who was Q-tipping his ear when his (big) dog hopped up on the sofa with him.
Overuse: I frequently see patients whose ear canals look like a freshly polished floor. They complain of itching, I tell them they have to stop scratching the itch with Q-tips, and they WAIL. Well, no, not really. I’m always careful to explain the “itch-scratch” syndrome to them (the more you scratch, the more you itch). Then I provide a pharmacologic fix to the itching problem, thereby breaking the cycle. Happy ear, happy patient.
Underuse: Some folks wait until they can’t hear before deciding to attack the wax with a trusty Q-tip. Most of the time, they jam the wax down deeper, thus turning an annoying problem into an urgent one.
Here’s what I tell patients who insist on using Q-tips:
Always be conscious of what you are doing. Expect disaster. If you’re Q-tipping near a door, that door will open, jarring your hand. If you’re Q-tipping at poolside, you’re going to slip and fall on the hand holding the Q-tip. If you’re having a casual ear-reaming on the lounge of the Starship Enterprise, that cute Vulcan with the hella cool death-grip is going to slam a ping pong ball straight at you. Even if you are conscious of what you are doing, beware Acts of God. Like your insurance company, I am not responsible for Those. Don’t do it too much. (Daily is too much.) Don’t do it too little. (Once a year is too little.) The ideal frequency is something you’ll have to discover for yourself; for me, it’s once every one or two weeks. Don’t go too deep. If you feel anything touch your eardrum, STOP. You can’t get this one out with a Q-tip, pal, so don’t even try. Over the counter ear-wash kits are safe provided you’re the one doing the washing. Anything is possible, of course, and I fully expect that one of these days one of my patients will do himself some damage with a home flushing kit. That said, I have never seen a patient injure himself with a kit. The worst that ever happens? The patient turns a partial impaction into a gooey total impaction. If you’re going to use a home flushing kit, it’s best to start AFTER an ENT has examined you and approved its use. Never never never use a flushing kit if you think you might have a hole in your eardrum. If you’re not sure, all the more reason to have an ENT examine you.
Hope that helps! Any questions?
D.
🙁 i really need some of that pharmacologic fix you’re talking about…i keep forgetting to ask my doctor. cuz i still q-tip at least every other day. what’s the drug called again?
Talk to your doctor. Sorry to be a butthole, but there’s a big line in the sand between “information” and “treatment advice.” Information I can give, treatment advice is a no-no.
Well, I’m probably ok. I probably Q-tip twice a week, and I’m careful as hell. It’s mostly that I produce a lot of ear wax for some weird reason and after a shower when it’s soft I just swab my ear canal to get the excess so it doesn’t build up.
Here I was thinking that maybe I was eroding my Islets of Langerhans or something like that.
I hear you WRT treatment advice.
WRT?
But what about paperclips and tweezers? 😉
And fingernails and those little ear spoons you can get?
made by the CIA no doubt lol
WRT = “with regard to”
Sorry, couldn’t hear you. I have a Q-tip in my ear.
Hmmm. I use Qtips daily right after the shower. Water in my ears really bothers me.
However, I try to always remember the guy with the dog story and so far so good.
M
I just love it when you guys play nicely with one another.
Michelle — so I’ve told you that one? I’m repeating my stories to you already, and we’re not even married?
There’s a short Canadian film called Elimination Dance, where one dancer gets a Q-Tip stuck in his ear at the start. The idea behind the dance is that you dance till the caller, standing centre stage, calls out something that applies to you. Most of the calls are completely ludicrous — “People who say ‘clitoris’ when they mean ‘clematis'”; “Women who were forced to give up playing the accordion due to pinched breasts”; “The person who borrowed my Martin Beck thriller and read it in the sauna so the glue melted and the pages drifted down to the floor, then stapled it back together and gave it back, thinking I wouldn’t notice” — but every one seems to apply to someone on the dance floor, so that by the end, the only couple still dancing is Q-Tip Ear and his partner.
The caller calls out “Anyone with pain.”
Q-Tip Ear keeps waltzing, oblivious, and the credits roll.